1. dianasnan

    dianasnan Registered User

    Jun 18, 2007
    Many people have tried to persuade my Dad (who is in a home 40 miles away) to let me have POA after his stroke 4 years ago but no luck. He seems to think that I will spend all his money which is very insulting as I am now buying most of his stuff out of my money.He would be capable of doing his finances with help but has left everything to my Mum to do and she is fast becoming incapable of doing much. Mum has early vascular dementia and has had many red bills recently and is obviously finding it hard to cope with money. As she would not understand what she is signing we can't go down that route of getting her to sign POA so have been left with trying to do everything official without any proper authority for the past 4 years.

    My Husband is getting fed up with subsidising them as I obviously can't let either of them go without but it is starting to add up when I buy them lots of bits here and there.They have more disposable income than us so its not as though they can't afford to pay their own way, one is very tightfisted and the other can be excused though dementia.

    They have joint accounts which makes life a nightmare for social service accounts and I don't know whether Dad's refusal to do a POA means that I can't go to court to get POA for Mum.Their accounts are either to sign and the house is in his name only. I did ask one of their social workers what would happen if I refused to do anymore without proper authority and she was so shocked that I didn't get a reply.

    Anyone any experience with this or can give any helpful advice. If it would involve spending a lot of money I would have problems with my Husband agreeing to it.
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Hi dianasnan, that's quite a complicated problem you have.

    My first instinct is for you to persuade your mum and dad to grant POA to each other, with you named on each as fallback. John and I have done this, naming a son.

    This would make sense, as both of them have health problems, and would mean that your dad was not granting it directly to you, but you would be able to deal with their finances.

    Are you sure that you could not explain it to your mum in terms that she could understand? All she needs to know is that she is trusting your dad and you handle the finances.

    Failing that, if your dad granted POA to your mum and you, and everything is in joint accounts, you would still be able to access them.

    If none of that works, I think you would have to go to court for Guardianship, and that is quite expensive.

    I hope someone can come up with alternative solutions.

    Good luck,

  3. dianasnan

    dianasnan Registered User

    Jun 18, 2007
    thanks Hazel

    I have tried to explain to Mum what is involved in very simple language, the last time this evening and it was obvious that she didn't understand what i meant. So I am presuming that by default she could not be POA for my Father.

    Not sure how mentally ill someone has to be before you can apply to the courts.

    Dad has been asked on 5 different occasions to do POA , from Sisters, Matrons to social workers but has always refused as in his opinion Mum can do it all and cheaper.she can't now but he just will not accept that there is a problem with her and would still rather try to send a fragile 84 year old struggling down town to buy him something than spend a few more pennies on the home trolley.

    Oh for 2 parents who would like to be helped.
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland

    Oh dear, how many times do we hear this on TP!:eek:

    I'm so sorry, it must be so hard trying to help someone who just won't be helped. All you can do is keep trying, and wait for your dad to admit they can't cope.

    A horrible situation!

  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear dianasnan

    You really shouldn`t be out of pocket no matter how ill and confused your parents are.

    I suggest you keep an account of what you spend and present it to your father, and tell him you just can`t afford to spend so much on him and your mother.

    If he doesn`t give you what he owes you, present the account to the SW and as for advice.

    I know it sounds mercenary when your parents are the ones, but you should certainly get back what you are owed.
  6. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    Wigan, Lancs
    Hi Dianasnan,

    I'm sorry you are faced with such a terrible problem.

    I am assuming you are in England/Wales. If so, as for your question about POA/EPA, if your Mum is not capable of signing an EPA you will need to apply to the Court for receivership and you will need the doctor/consultant to sign a Medical certificate. This is the form:-


    This will be much more expensive than an EPA. If your Dad does not do an EPA before 1st October and subsequently decides he does want to give you POA he will have to do an LPA, which will be more expense.

    Would it help to point out the financial benefits of signing an EPA now?
  7. dianasnan

    dianasnan Registered User

    Jun 18, 2007
    thanks for your replies

    I have told him about the new LPA from 01 October but he just shuts down when money is broached. My Son tried on my behalf but to no avail.Its head in the sand time which will cost him in the long term.He trusts no one and has always thought that everyone else is on the make.My Mum even told her psychiatrist that he had been mean throughout their marriage. Really sad way to be remembered.

    i have tried to appeal to his frugal side but his tightfistedness costs him approx £900 a year to Social services as he will not spend/utilise any of the weekly spending allowance and it stays in the pot of money when his fee payments are assessed. I estimate that he doesn't spend more than about £20 a year and that includes Xmas. Why save for your old age and then live in pennury especially when that results in more of your money going directly to social services. He has actually complained that the care staff use too much shampoo and shaving foam when they clean him (and he doesn't even pay for it)

    Really don't think that I am going to get anywhere with this one without using the courts.

    thanks for listening and the link to the guardianship website, I will have a look at that tomorrow.
  8. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    A last thought, maybe.

    Often, to get our loved one to see the GP about their problems, we use the subterfuge that the surgery is doing a health MOT on everyone over xx years [which is a truth in many places]

    Most solicitors these days will suggest that anyone who makes a will also creates an EPA, for the future.

    Why not try the route of explaining this - say you are going to have one done, so wht does he not do so as well? Even that there is a buy one get one free [BOGOF ;) ] option and it would be a shame to waste it.

    just my thoughts. Also explain that it will change nothing - it is just planning for sometime in the future.

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