Zoe and friends,
Sorry not to have replied, I have had major work problems so mum has had to take a back seat - which is why I am taking a year out of work from September with no salary at all, to look after mum while she still appreciates it. Also my computer died last weekend, and none of my hard-drive could be recovered, so I have spent a lot of time trying to sort that out.
Zoe, what a thorough response, I thank you so much. I am afraid I am a wimp on this. I am not very assertive or very self-assured, despite earning a very good salary in my job as a University lecturer. I think you get to know your true character when you are dealing with a situation like this. I feel out of control.
Can I really insist that staff have a chart on the wall to say when they have applied mum's cream and when not? Isn't the overworked and underpaid senior care assistant (lets face it, they are all underpaid for the job they do) going to hate me for insisting on this? Is she then likely to leave and I will be faced with a less caring person handling my mum? I am not comfortable with insisting on things, I don't know how to do it, I can't even get my husband to close the fridge door after he has opened it - what chance to I have with a care home manager or assistant? I am a real wimp.
Zoe, I have written three letters to the manager, and each one has been responded to in a professional manner, my concerns have been addressed and action has been taken - for a week or so. Then forgotten. The manager has recently left and a new manager is in place. I like her (she was previously assistant manager), she is caring and loving towards my mum, but I am trying to give her a bit of space while she puts her own stamp on the place cos she is clearly quite overworked at the moment. I do not want to rock her boat. She is also a bit "dizzy", i.e. disorganised.
Mum wanders every night (it is why she is there, wandering out to the bus stop at 1 a.m.), though it is getting less (so I am told). I suppose there is a record of what happens each night, but are care workers obliged to record it all? I have never thought of asking to look at the records, I just go by what I am told. I would feel intrusive if I asked to look at the records, and in any case there is no proof that the records are true, so what would be the point? If there is no mention of mum wandering, how do I know that it is cos she didn't wander, or cos it wasn't recorded? I am so disillusioned by the lack of state support when a person is self-funding. Is it Law that these records be kept for all residents, or is it law only for those who are funded by the state?
Zoe, you suggest checking the tubes of cream to see if they have gone down or not. I can't do that. I am simply not bold enough to do it. Please give me the wherewithall to do it. I know you will say it HAS to be done. I know. I am shaking inside already at the thought. My mum is more important than my reticence, but I can't do it. And why should I have to? Shouldn't the GP be making sure that medication is appropriately administered? Does the GP have any clout at all? Mum has had at least 10 visits from the GP regarding her sore bottom, I have only met the GP once, despite leaving a message with the practice AND the care home to say that I wished to be informed of any planned visits in order to be there if I could be. I have only been informed of one visit.
And I must go back to the Care Plan issue I raised many months ago. I have still not seen a Care Plan (mum has been there for 8 months). I have had no review meeting which I understand should take place six-monthly. But I also now learn that mum has no entitlement to the input from a social worker, and therefore there is only me to see to anything, and as a non-expert I really feel lost. I expected a social worker to be supporting me and mum in solving some of the issues. No entitlement to a social worker input at all. All amateur me. And I am no good at it. And I am scared. And stressed about it.
I don't feel I am being a very good daughter. I feel I should be doing some "table thumping" but I can't do it. I am not assertive, my husband tells me constantly that I am agressive, and that it is counter-productive. He isn't much help.
I feel so low. I realise that is no us to my mum, I must snap out of it, but I really can't face a confrontation with the home.
I suppose unless I get my act together, I have to accep the shortcomings.
Love
Margaret