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What the ... is going on???

Lilstar

Registered User
Aug 11, 2019
42
My oh, in early stages in mixed dementia , since telling him he had to home from work and stay in the house has changed into a controlling emotional manipulator, throwing abuse at his step kids. I feel I am in ockdown only with him , as I’m not aloud to spend anytime in the house with my kids 20 and 23 both stuck here aswell as 1 is back from uni, if my fone rings or I get a text it’s commented straight away , I know have to put in on quite.Is this normal??? We can’t reason with him at all, I’m having to stay in spare room 1st time ever,as I just can’t take anymore today .He keeps taking off in his van and putting us all at risk , my daughter rang a team today and all they said was contact police.I feel I have been abandoned here.
 

Cazzita

Registered User
May 12, 2018
547
How sad for you all. You definitely need to have help. Call Adult Social Services and ask for advice.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,391
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Lilstar Have you tried contacting Admiral nurses. They are there to support the carers of someone with dementia and may have some suggestions as to how to handle the situation

 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,270
South coast
The change in routine has thrown all our PWDs. He is frightened and trying to take back control - its just that hes not very good at it and unable to understand why.

Dont try reasoning with him - it will just anger him further and if you fear violence keep a charged phone on you all the time and be prepared to call the police if necessary. It might actually be a good idea to contact the police proactively and let them know that he has dementia and you cant stop him going out in his van and also that you are concerned about violence (assuming that this is true)
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,066
Yorkshire
hi @Lilstar
maybe contact your husband's GP by email to explain his behaviour and ask if his meds can be tweaked or something introduced to help him settle ... this may not be possible, but worth asking and at least that will let the GP know you are concerned

I think you are wise to keep yourself separate as much as you can to give you all space .... and not to argue or discuss with him .... try "Yes and ....(whatever you want him to do" rather than say no at any time (red rag to bull)

is your husband able to do some jobs around the house or garden, even ones you make up? ... if so, make a fuss of how well he does things and how much money it will save (if he can think of others and still wants to please, add how much you will appreciate his help) ... maybe some tasks could give him a routine and sense of being needed ... though I appreciate may cause disruption too

maybe he is only driving around in his van (I know this is breaking restrictions) if he's not getting out to talk with people, the risk is pretty low ... you can have a walk out a day as a couple, could he be distracted by you asking him to walk with you .... in extreme, could you disable the van, lose the keys but NOT if this will only make him boil over

keep posting, we are here to help each other
 

Lilstar

Registered User
Aug 11, 2019
42
Thank you for support, spoke to gp, who emailed the clinic he is under, who have more a less said try and get my son to stay elsewhere, we really don’t have anywhere for him to go ,I am totally in the middle. I was told don’t argue, and to keep him busy with things ,that’s easier said than done. They are looking into other options , and going to get back this week
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,391
Nottinghamshire
I hope the clinic can come up with something more helpful than move your son out of your home! Although that reminds me of the advice I got to keep my dad’s granddaughter away from him as it triggered undesirable behaviours.

Just a thought. My dad’s bad behaviour was caused by a change in medication, although it took us some time to make the connection, and he calmed down when the dosage was changed. He was in the early stages of mixed dementia at the time. Hopefully the clinic can find something to help.

This helped me to avoid aggression from my dad. I didn’t live with him though


https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/ .