My mother in law was diagnosed approximately 10 years ago with Alzheimer's. She lives with her partner and they have been together for 20 years on and off but have very separate accounts and his money is definitely his money alone. When she was first diagnosed we talked with her about power of attorney and putting her only son in charge when it was deemed necessary but her partner said it was too early and it wasn't happening. Years have gone by and her illness/ memory worsened but still her partner put his foot down and said no. Now it is too late for poa as she cannot communicate with us and just talks jibberish. Our problem now is her hygiene as her partner is unable to wash or provide any personal hygiene for her and she, actually without sounding horrible looking like a tramp, smells awful and has very greasy hair as she's not showered or bathed for about 4 months. My husband mentioned to her partner that we needed to discuss his mothers welfare and he went berserk saying, as she didn't do much all day she didn't need to wash...i know it's ridiculous...then threw us out. He now will not discuss her welfare and we just don't know what to do. She seems happy enough with him but he is actually a bully and as he says to us it's his house and his decision. We just feel so sad for her. What should we do?
What should we do ???
- Thread starter Sweetness147
- Start date
Welcome to TP @Sweetness147 so sorry to hear of your problems with MIL.
reading your post I can’t help but feel her partner has serious issues himself.
If he was compliant I would suggest a SS assessment but I maybe wrong but from what you are saying I really don’t see him allowing that, I hope I am reading this wrong..
The one thing that stands out from your post is that things cannot continue as they are!
reading your post I can’t help but feel her partner has serious issues himself.
If he was compliant I would suggest a SS assessment but I maybe wrong but from what you are saying I really don’t see him allowing that, I hope I am reading this wrong..
The one thing that stands out from your post is that things cannot continue as they are!
Safeguarding comes to mind unfortunately. How sure are you both she is safe with him.....dare I ask, no personal hygiene is unsafe for her personal health alone and I'm sure you may have other concerns. Adult Social Services are always available for you to discuss your concerns with. Good luck but please do not risk not doing anything. If your unhappy with ASS go to her GP, Consultant etc, the word safeguarding and you will get help x
Maybe you should make an anonymous call to their local authority , expressing concern for both of them, but particularly your mother in law. When you last saw her, did she look healthy, do you think she is eating well? While social services are not particularly worried about someone's appearance, they do show interest if someone is having dietary problems.
I read this last night, but I was so horrified I didnt know what to say.
Having slept on it I agree - contact Adult Services Safeguarding and tell them your concerns.
Having slept on it I agree - contact Adult Services Safeguarding and tell them your concerns.
hello @Sweetness147
welcome from me too
your poor mother-in-law, she needs much more support than her partner is able to offer - he sounds overwhelmed by the situation, and if he is the bullying type he's unlikely to have the skills to seek and accept help
personally I would contact their local Authority Adult Services and give them details of the situation - use the words in '' as they are mean to get attention = your husband's mum is a 'vulnerable adult' who is 'at risk of harm' due to self neglect and the neglect of her partner, because of her dementia, and as the LA have the 'duty of care' they need to step in and support her; tell them you belive she no longer has capacity to herself make decisions on her health & welfare - her partner may make this difficult for Adult Services, but you will have flagged up your concerns and so your husband's mum will be in 'the system' at least
also write to her GP and consultant, if there is one, giving details of her current situation, listing all the everyday tasks your m-I-l is not able to do for herself and your concerns for her health and welfare - the GP may not be able to discuss her medical affairs with you, due to patient confidentiality but the info you five will be noted on her records
and keep badgering both the GP and Adult Services
your husband may want to consider applying to become Deputy for his mother, to manage her financial affairs
https://www.gov.uk/become-deputy
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/deputy-guidance-how-to-carry-out-your-duties
welcome from me too
your poor mother-in-law, she needs much more support than her partner is able to offer - he sounds overwhelmed by the situation, and if he is the bullying type he's unlikely to have the skills to seek and accept help
personally I would contact their local Authority Adult Services and give them details of the situation - use the words in '' as they are mean to get attention = your husband's mum is a 'vulnerable adult' who is 'at risk of harm' due to self neglect and the neglect of her partner, because of her dementia, and as the LA have the 'duty of care' they need to step in and support her; tell them you belive she no longer has capacity to herself make decisions on her health & welfare - her partner may make this difficult for Adult Services, but you will have flagged up your concerns and so your husband's mum will be in 'the system' at least
also write to her GP and consultant, if there is one, giving details of her current situation, listing all the everyday tasks your m-I-l is not able to do for herself and your concerns for her health and welfare - the GP may not be able to discuss her medical affairs with you, due to patient confidentiality but the info you five will be noted on her records
and keep badgering both the GP and Adult Services
your husband may want to consider applying to become Deputy for his mother, to manage her financial affairs
https://www.gov.uk/become-deputy
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/deputy-guidance-how-to-carry-out-your-duties
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