1. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    My mother is deteriorating fast in the nursing home. i suspect a lot of this is because she is so unhappy there she is fading fast. She was discharged there from hospital on the advice of professionals who said she would never be able to manage alone.
    I still have this view and so do the care home staff.
    However all she EVER says is when is she getting out of there coming up with wilder and wilder plans, although I have explained dozens of times why she cant live alone. She resents bitterly the fact I cant have her to live with me, and when she is not abusing me about that she is crying about it.
    Visits have become torture for us both and I am honestly beginning to think maybe I ought to just rent her a flat for 6 months on a AST and see how she gets on there. I know this sounds very cruel but I honestly cant think anything can be worse that the current situation.
    We did look at sheltered flats for sale but the manager felt she was too frail to live there
    Has anyone else had this type of experience and how have u dealt with it?
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,568
    Kent
    Hi Nat,

    I know how upsetting it is when this happens, it happened with my mother too.

    Do you really think, in her condition your mother would be happy anywhere?

    She might be more contented living with you, but if that`s an impossibility, it has to be accepted.

    I used to say to my mother, I`d try to find somewhere for her. It calmed her down, to a point.

    Try not to feel too guilty. If you did find her somewhere, you know it most probably wouldn`t work.

    Take care, With love
     
  3. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    715
    My Mother who was 90 should not have been living alone for the last 18 mths of her life but nothing would dissuade her she was even driving right up to last 6 months .......heaven help other road users

    All the medical personel said we had to wait for a crisis .........her fall and subsequent pneumonia was just this

    After which her last 5 weeks in hospital was absolute torture and we only wish thay had allowed her to slip peacefully away with the pneumonia instead of pumping her full of antibiotics etc

    Likeit or not there was no way she could have lived alone even in a detached property she was in danger of blowing the place up leaving something on the stove and in a flat the other residents would have been in fear of their lives too

    Sorry but i think there comes a time where we have to sit back and accept that being in a hospital or a care home is the only option
     
  4. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    Natashalou

    I am sorry you and your Mum are so unhappy at the moment, it must be dreadful for you both.

    However, if she really can't live alone, it seems there is no choice but for her to stay where she is safe and looked after. If she were to live either with you or alone, even in a sheltered flat, she may well be as unhappy as she is now.

    I wonder if she has some form of depression, my Mum was depressed and very anxious for a while, the GP prescribed some medication and she improved a lot in a few weeks.

    It may be worth a phone call to the GP or specialist to see if they can suggest something to help you both through this horrible time.

    Thinking of you.

    Kathleen
     
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Nat

    So sorry you're having such a hard time with your mum.

    I can understand that you want to find a solution, but you know she wouldn't be able to manage alone, and that would be even more stressful for you. At least you know she is safe in the NH.

    My reaction was the same as Kathleen's -- your mum could be suffering from depression. Not surprisingly, having had her whole life turned upside-down.

    I think your first port of call should be her GP, to see if there is any medication that would help. I know there's been a lot on TP about sedation recently, and I can't comment, not having had any experience of that, but a low dose of anti-depressant might just help her to settle.

    Just try to hang on, things will improve. Let us know how you get on.

    Love,
     
  6. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    88
    Surrey
    Hi Nat
    I am in a similar situation, my Mum is in hospital and the doctors have recomended that I find a nursing home for her. She on the otherhand is adament she is going home. I am pulling my hair out with the situation and have not found home yet. The feelings are so hard to deal with I can understand every thing you say, some how we all manage to keep going and some days are better than others. Remember tomorrow is another day I am sure you will find a reply that your mum will be able to relate to as I am sure I will too. If you think of one before me pleas let me know. It has been suggested to me to say this is only for a couple of weeks I am not keen on lying to her but if it makes her feel better what is the harm.
     
  7. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    Well

    I have reached a kind of semi compromise which might make things even worse but might help them. I work full time but do have the weekends free, although I usually utilise these for shopping and housework. We have decided to convert the living room into a bedroom for mum. Luckily we have a downstairs toilet. This will mean we have to live and eat in the kitchen but it is large so this isnt the end of the world.
    I will bring her back home with me Friday night, weekend and take her back on Sunday after lunch. I will tell her in the week I have to work away from home and that she is better in the home in the week. There are pitfalls in that she may find it harder to go back and of course we will be paying full fees for 5 days care instead of seven.
    It will also cause a lot of pressure but hopefully she will sit with my sons while I still do the housework etc. I am hoping this will also help her see that she could not manage alone. She actually cant get out of bed right now for reasons we arent sure of, but once she is out of bed and using her wheelchair and zimmer frame again we shall try.
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,568
    Kent
    Dear Natasha,

    I really hope your `compromise` works out for you. You`re considering every option and what you`ve come up with is a really good idea.

    I hope your mum doesn`t make it too difficult for you to take her back on Sundays.

    Good luck, love
     
  9. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    so far so good...

    so far so good. Mum "fully understands" that I have things to do in the week...seemingly becuase she has now decided I am on the tv!! She thinks I am Heather McCartney....:eek:
     
  10. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9,222
    Well it might be an idea to put her straight on that one or else she'll assume you've got loads of money and Sir Paul and legal team coming round for tea. Not to mention a knack of doing high kicks without exposing your legs.
     
  11. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    True.

    True. But she thinks my partner is Martin Shaw (Judge John Deed!!) ..to be fair to her there is a startling resemblance, he has been taken for the actor before. which does beg the question..just HOW bad is her eyesight really? sigh:confused:
     
  12. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9,222
    Natashalou, this compromise sounds really promising but also I'd say somewhat heroic. Can you say at what point in the seven day week you are going to take some time off for yourself? Have you got everyone's agreement to play their part? Even on the weekends without your mum you seem to be scrubbing away keeping the household afloat. Can someone else take a turn at doing the household chores? Where is the space for Natashalou?

    I'm not saying don't do it. It could work out really well, I'm just saying it is a helluvan undertaking. Love
     
  13. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    Weeelll...

    I guess the "trade off" to having mum here every weekend is that I will stop the (almost) daily visits which take up a gruelling two hours a day usually on the way home from work , therefore giving me free evenings.
    As to everyones agreement, well, the problem here is that my (non resident) partner and my (also non resident) older son actually dont support this idea, for different reasons, my partner thinks Im taking on too much and my older son cant really come to terms with his grandmothers illness and takes her often aggresive behaviour at face value, feeling angry and upset at her perceived "treatment" of me.
    My younger son, with the possible innocence of youth thinks the idea is "cool" ..but it is questionable exactly how much it is reasonable to expect a teenager to take on!.
    Im trying to think of it in terms of us (mum and I) having a girly time together. Hum. ok maybe I am being a bit optimistic here, but I reckon she will go to sleep early on Friday, we can have a nice day out shopping or going out places on Saturday, then my son can supervise while I cook sunday lunch then she can go home .
    Regarding housework etc, well, dust will always be with us, but mum wont. I guess all of us simply want to know that although we cant do much to change this terrible thing we need to know we did all we could to make life as pleasant for the sufferer as we possibly can.
    the whole idea might be a disaster and I will have to backtrack, but im keeping my fingers crossed!
     
  14. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Natashalou

    I do hope your 'compromise' works. Like Deborah, I think you're taking on a lot, having your mum very weekend.

    However, well done you for taking it on. You deserve for it to work.:)

    Love,
     

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