What should I do for the best?

[Goosey]

Hi all
My mum has alzheimers which has deteriated over the last couple of years.
Mum calls me in tears asking where my dad is, he passed away 5 years ago. Mum hides her keys and purse, then gets distressed thinking someone has been in the house and stolen them. She gets very upset when she is confused and doesn't remember that we have been to see her an hour after we have left, so she constantly feels lonely.
Mum lives alone and has carers in three times a day. Myself and family go in around three times a week, and I speak to mum on the phone two or three times a day.
I am in a turmoil as to whether mum should go into full time care, but I know that she would be distressed and confused , or should I get a full time live in carer in mums house. Has anyone else tried a live in carer and where would I start in looking for one?

 

[1954]

Hello Goosey and welcome to TP

Has your mother become a danger to herself yet? She is obviously a vulnerable adult but is she in danger of harming herself i.e. wandering, leaving the cooker on, could she call 999 if needed, leaving the front door open?

 

[jeany123]

Hello Goosey and welcome to talking point, there are one or two threads on here about live in carers, if you follow this link you might like to read some of them,


Best wishes Jeany

 

[Goosey]

Hello Goosey and welcome to TP

Has your mother become a danger to herself yet? She is obviously a vulnerable adult but is she in danger of harming herself i.e. wandering, leaving the cooker on, could she call 999 if needed, leaving the front door open?

mum has a care line, but I'm not sure she would remember what it is for. If mum opens her front door after 8pm care line is activated and i would be notified. she also has gas/fire sensors fitted which would activate care line if they go off. So I think that she is safe, it is more her loneliness and state of mind,

 

[Goosey]

Hello Goosey and welcome to talking point, there are one or two threads on here about live in carers, if you follow this link you might like to read some of them,



Best wishes Jeany

Thank you Jeany. I will look at the threads

 

[1954]

Its a difficult call isn't it? Because at home she is confused and in a CH she would be confused but would be well cared for and safe. I have no experience of live in care (oh yes I did know someone who worked for an elderly person and lived in) but I am sure others have. How one knows how to get one I have no idea I am afraid. Do you think she would except one?

Loneliness is very common as they never remember when someone last called. My MIL lives with us and I spend all my time with her but she would say to others that she is left on her own while we all go to work and she is chair bound (she is not by the way, I take her out a lot)

I am sure many others will come along soon with suggestions. Keep posting, its good to hear from you

 

[FifiMo]

Instead of a live in carer have you thought of day care as a means of her having some company and activities? They get a nice lunch too. You often find that this tires them out too so not sitting alone for hours on end in the evening. Just remember to tell her it is a club!

Fiona

 

[Ovacomer]

We had a live in carer for 6 weeks for my mum and while it all looked so promising from what I had read, I am afraid it didn't work out - my mum didn't understand it all and phoned the police to say someone was in her house. I am sure it may work for some but not for us, and my mum is now in a NH- not that she is happy but I know she is safe. All the best

 

[Goosey]

Its a difficult call isn't it? Because at home she is confused and in a CH she would be confused but would be well cared for and safe. I have no experience of live in care (ohT yes I did know someone who worked for an elderly person and lived in) but I am sure others have. How one knows how to get one I have no idea I am afraid. Do you think she would except one?

Loneliness is very common as they never remember when someone last called. My MIL lives with us and I spend all my time with her but she would say to others that she is left on her own while we all go to work and she is chair bound (she is not by the way, I take her out a lot)

I am sure many others will come along soon with suggestions. Keep posting, its good to hear from you

Thank you, it is good to know that others understand the same problems

 

[Goosey]

Instead of a live in carer have you thought of day care as a means of her having some company and activities? They get a nice lunch too. You often find that this tires them out too so not sitting alone for hours on end in the evening. Just remember to tell her it is a club!

Fiona

Thats a good idea I will look into it, thank you.

 

[Goosey]

We had a live in carer for 6 weeks for my mum and while it all looked so promising from what I had read, I am afraid it didn't work out - my mum didn't understand it all and phoned the police to say someone was in her house. I am sure it may work for some but not for us, and my mum is now in a NH- not that she is happy but I know she is safe. All the best

This is what I am afraid may happen with my mum, as she has sometimes refused to let in a carer in that she has had before. Thank you for your reply

 

[Fed Up]

Its hard but you must be realistic 24 hour care means 3 carers, on shift etc and the cost and really really you've got tax, NI meal breaks etc the list is endless and not to mention elf and safety.
Have you a SW if so you must talk to them and get her case reviewed and hopefully try for a care home. We've bought the tshirt on this and I don't understand some of the negative issues that can be raised. Yes some homes are awful but more are places where the cared for can enjoy a dignified place of rest and company in a settled and safe environment. My mums home is great, and at long last we can go to bed and sleep for 8 hours, we can eat together and go out. Life has improved vastly and that may be selfish but my mum has got a life now as well. She has VD and other health issues but she as really improved since being in the CH with friends, activities and good fresh and well cooked food. My mum was against a home so was encouraged to go for a visit and now I don't think she would move out she actually looks younger and has clean hair, nail varnish on manicured hands and dignity. I've reserved my spot and when its lunchtime staff eat with residents and so much laughter, I only wish that all could enjoy this type of care rather than the loneliness of sitting in front of the tv 18 hours a day with cardboard meals on wheels and a visit of 15 minutes twice a day that passes for care these days in this area.

 

[ellejay]

Hi Goosey, When my mum lived alone, she had people with her for 4 full days a week (that included someone sleeping over at the weekend) She also had "Pop ins" by relatives who worked nearby & 3x daily carer visits.

After we'd visited, we'd leave for the hour drive home, get in & the answerphone would be full, she'd seen no-one, when would we go to see her...........She did this to the 2 other people who visited regularly too.

In the end, falls put her in Hospital a few times & she's now in a CH. She says she hates it, but she's safe & she most definitely isn't afraid any more.

Live in carers weren't an option for us, none of us could afford it. Hope you find a way through

Lin x

 

[Polly1945]

Hi Goosey

Do try the day care first. My 97 year old Mum with Alzheimers starting going one day a week and liked it so much that we got it to 3 days per week. She always called it "the over sixties club" . They had quizzes, games and a lovely lunch. Our local community transport would collect Mum from her front door and bring her home about 3.30pm, she would then have an afternoon nap for a couple of hours. It really made a big difference to her days. She would be very lonely on the other days when she didn't go out to the club.

Love
Pauline
x

 

[Goosey]

Thank you all so much for your replies, I really think the CH route is right for mum, rather than the day care, as she is afraid to go out now and also as she will have forgotton she went as soon as she got home.
Just knowing that others understand is a great help x