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What should I be doing?


Registered User
Aug 28, 2013

Can anyone give some advice?

My 83 year old mother has become very confused and forgetful. We're yet to have a diagnosis but a CPN who recently visited mentioned Alzheimer's was a possibility.

Mum lives with my (nearly blind) stepfather who, to my mind reacts totally inappropriately to Mum's muddle-headedness. Although he is a very kind, loving husband he jokes about her confusion and reminds her of some of the "unusual" things she's said or done. Mum gets easily agitated at the best of times, but his remarks sometimes compound this.
Both of them try to carry on life as normal, regardless of the fact they're both 80+ : whilst very admirable, this includes a daily walk to the local shop ( at least 40 mins with a fairly steep hill to get home - Mum is a chronic asthmatic in "remission" from lung cancer) and I sometimes think she's so tired that she just can't think clearly.

I live about 3 miles from Mum and phone her every day, visiting 2-3 times a week. Although I don't work I have MS which causes mobility problems (I need 2 sticks) and I don't drive. My older sister lives 250 miles away. I feel guilty that I don't do enough for Mum, don't see her often enough - my husband disagrees with me, and I'm in turmoil!

Have I rambled?
Last edited:


Registered User
Jan 14, 2010
East Kent
Hello, Welcome to TP

Nope you have not rambled and even if you had, this IS the right place to ramble, rant and pour your heart out.

I would definitely listen to your husband.

I'm afraid that guilt only affects good caring people
it's also vital for you to look after yourself, many carers forget/ ignore this at their peril.

Others will be along soon to say hi and give some cyber support

I hope to see you around this site.


Registered User
Feb 10, 2010
One thing that you might want to consider is creating some free time for your stepfather by perhaps taking your mum out for the day. Whilst his way of dealing with your mum might be questionable, he is the carer and has to deal with things on a 24 hour basis. Being subjected to memory problems and perhaps never ending streams of questions non stop all day can be very wearing, hence the reason I suggest finding ways of giving him a break.

About the walking you could ask her GP whether this is a benefit or not. I do know however that walking is actively encouraged for someone with lung cancer as it helps keep the lungs in optimum shape, so maybe it is something that is beneficial for her. If there is a bus route and they have bus passes maybe you could suggest they walk one way and get a bus home? Now might be the time to suggest it with winter round the corner and using the excuse that mum should do everything she can to avoid her getting chest infections and colds as this could cause damage to her lungs.