What shall I call carers

[CY505]

Anything but the carer . . .

The first agency we used for our Mum sent people clad in pink uniforms. Mum hated it and wouldn't go into town with them. They couldn't get the hang of leaving the uniform in the car. So we changed to a new, non-uniform, agency. Loads better, Mum accepted them as friends of the family. Then we realised she wasn't taking a shower, so we faked a letter from the "District Nurse" saying that she would send a colleague round to make sure she was safe while showering. So then we had to ask the non-uniform friendly agency to send someone bossy in a uniform!! But it worked! The "Nurse" is accepted to do personal care. Sometimes it's the same person who is a family friend on one day and a nurse on the other. Just so long as they're not a carer! So in our experience it's finding a story to get them through the door, then we put a photo of them with their name on, on a pinboard so Mum gets used to seeing their face, and before long she doesn't question who they are. Good luck, Roz.

 

[src123]

Yeah social services are sorting it so not sure who they will use. But no uniforms and Christian names would be ideal.
I fear this is gonna be a struggle. I fear all my hard work of getting an assessment, arranging meetings with social workers and numerous other appointments and meetings is gonna go down the pan as she really doesn't want to see what's going on at all. I just feel I'm wasting my time. I fear I'm gonna have to go through this whole process again when she truly has no say as she has lost capacity.
oh what to do. I never asked for this. And yet it's a lot more than I'm equipped to deal with.
Thanx again for ya help.

Hi Smailes
It will get better I promise. We introduced the carers as helpers and by their name. We asked the carers to introduce themselves by name and to say they were there to help, we were also there initially when the carers were there. It slowly becomes part of the routine.

I notice in your your later posts you said that your relationship in the past had not been great. That will improve on her good days. You've done really well in organising assessments and getting the care package. It will not be a waste.

 

[CMcK]

Hi I got round it by removing all responsibility onto Mums lovely GP. I told her that as she was over 85 there here were new rules that special care is given to her and that her GP has arranged for these people to pop in to make sure she is well! So far so good.

 

[Quilty]

I call them "the nurses"

Hello, same deal for me. The carers are coming in to give medication so I call them "the nurses" who have to give the medicine - doctors orders. No arguments from Mum after that.

Good luck. It should get easier as they become part of normal life. My mum was like yours and now she actually likes her morning visits.

 

[chrissie121]

Care

Good evening, any suggestions for what to call the 'carers'.
At last social services have sorted out a Care package for my mother who has Alzheimers. Unfortunately she's in the 'there's nothing wrong with me, it's everyone else' school. She can't understand why everyone keeps talking about dementia all the time. But due to her not talking her diabetic medication and high blood pressure tablets it's left me no choice. She has categorically stated she doesn't want carers in, so any suggestions as to what I can call them?. I've thought that maybe I could say they were friends of mine but I'm not sure whether it will be the same people everyday. If it isnt I don't know how the 'friends' trick will work.
I truly believe she needs them but the SS have said that if she refuses then there isn't much else that they can do until she gets to the point where her needs are even greater.
I would grateful for any help on this issue, I'm hoping you have some experience on this one.

Cheers
Roz

Hi there Roz

I feel for you, really do. My mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia but we never told her, instead we refer to her "memory loss " and her GP and her Consultant do likewise when talking with her. She refused point blank on carers to start with. I had one lady come in, she didn't like her. I kept discussing it with her, saying her blood pressure and meds need to be monitored and I suppose I was lucky that I have managed to get the District Nurses to come in every day to give her, her medication. Has your Mother even forgotten to take her pills or perhaps doubled up? If this has happened you have a very good case for asking the GP to ask that the DN's come in each day and administer the meds, that can start the ball rolling with people coming in. After I did this, I then got another company in to meet with Mum, she agreed to let that person come on a day to day basis. I identified them coming in as home help, not carers as such. However, she didn't like the lady again, as she "did nothing". So we got another lady in, and she likes this one. We call her by her name ( not carer) and she comes in every day at lunchtime to make sure Mum has a hot meal and makes sandwiches etc for later in the day. She then tidies up and helps with anything Mum asks her to do. So its more she is there to help you, bit like maid. However, we went to a private company so that we could ensure it is the same person every day, I don't think SS can arrange that unless it is under exceptional circumstances and I am sure that would apply to your Mum as she has dementia and they need to become familiar with people and places. Your Mum keeps going to her workplace, mine keeps telling me the the next door neighbour, whose been a godsend over the past few years, has stolen one of Mum's properties and has it in her back garden!.....Thoughts getting jumbled up from things that have happened in the past and bits missing. In your mum's case that she left work and in my mum's that she sold the property to buy the one she lives in now! Good luck but introduce them to your Mum as coming into assist you with the running of the household and perhaps sit with her and ask her what they could do, so you could then prepare a list of chores together which could then be put in the carers book to carry out. You might need to doctor the front of the day book which in our case states " carers report document". The carers have to write down how the person they are visiting is and what they did for them, so the next one in, is aware of any problems or issues. They also write down likes and dislikes. Good luck

 

[Long Tom]

Lots of good ideas, but...

Hi. All these ideas are great, and should help break down that undignified feeling (removing a pink tabard would help everyone's dignity!). I was disappointed by the Social Worker's implication that there was not much more to be done if your mum refuses. This should not be a casual statement by any means and as an SW myself, I would want to go further. If your mum is going to come to serious harm as a result of not having care, they should have.

It is a seious business that (insert names here) are doing, and your mum sounds like she is unable to make her own decision on medication. So it is down to others to take that decision, and making it happen might just mean going against your mothers wishes. I'm not talking force, nor doing anything that would upset her - that would obviously become counterproductive. But the thing about coming to harm is it puts the onus on achieving the needed outcome rather than going 'oh, well'. That is why you are thinking of a little bit of subterfuge, after all.

Is the first thing she may not like allowing them in? A key safe may be best, and then they can come on in and go 'Cooee', ok, maybe not - whatever works! She may find it annoying, but 'Roz asked me to call by' might help.

Get the carers to remind or prompt before telling her. Then they are just helping (after all, they were just passing...!)

Should they stand over your mum and say 'take these', or would leaving them on a side table with 'Roz says take these NOW!' work? Maybe you have a form of words that works, to tell them to use?

I presume less intrusive methods like you phoning up saying 'get them out and take them now - Drs Orders!' have not worked?

Get the GP's advice on how much it would be tolerable to omit tablets, in case this is what happens. This should then inform the points at which there need to be calls from carers to you, and perhaps from you to the GP.

I could go on, but I'm speculating from this point on. But talk about it loads if your mum is still istening to you. It will stick more, and chime with what the carers say when they come.
best wishes
LT

 

[cebhh]

What to call carers...

When mum gets stroppy or believe that she doesn't need carers, I remind her that they are her 'helpers', just to mke life a bit easier for her. She seems to be happier with that and does accept it.

Good evening, any suggestions for what to call the 'carers'.
At last social services have sorted out a Care package for my mother who has Alzheimers. Unfortunately she's in the 'there's nothing wrong with me, it's everyone else' school. She can't understand why everyone keeps talking about dementia all the time. But due to her not talking her diabetic medication and high blood pressure tablets it's left me no choice. She has categorically stated she doesn't want carers in, so any suggestions as to what I can call them?. I've thought that maybe I could say they were friends of mine but I'm not sure whether it will be the same people everyday. If it isnt I don't know how the 'friends' trick will work.
I truly believe she needs them but the SS have said that if she refuses then there isn't much else that they can do until she gets to the point where her needs are even greater.
I would grateful for any help on this issue, I'm hoping you have some experience on this one.

Cheers
Roz

 

[MReader]

My husband is so against carers - there is nothing wrong with him !!!! So he has a PA (personal assistant) He seems to accept this as it reminds him of when he was at work and had a secretary & a PA. He is talking about going back to work

 

[barnowl2012]

titles

Good evening, any suggestions for what to call the 'carers'.
At last social services have sorted out a Care package for my mother who has Alzheimers. Unfortunately she's in the 'there's nothing wrong with me, it's everyone else' school. She can't understand why everyone keeps talking about dementia all the time. But due to her not talking her diabetic medication and high blood pressure tablets it's left me no choice. She has categorically stated she doesn't want carers in, so any suggestions as to what I can call them?. I've thought that maybe I could say they were friends of mine but I'm not sure whether it will be the same people everyday. If it isnt I don't know how the 'friends' trick will work.
I truly believe she needs them but the SS have said that if she refuses then there isn't much else that they can do until she gets to the point where her needs are even greater.
I would grateful for any help on this issue, I'm hoping you have some experience on this one.

Cheers
Roz

I tell mum they are nurses coming to check meds to keep her well, I think it is a generation thing they are proud and hate the thought that they are not in control anymore.

When my dad became very ill and needed to go into a nursing home which I never thought would happen but he was so poorly I couldn't look after him anymore I told him he was in a convalescent home and he accepted that as it was something he could identify with.

Hope this helps

 

[AnneED]

Individualise it so it works!

It has been very interesting to read these comments to the query as there are such good ideas and I think most people are right - the key is to find out what works for your relative. It will probably involve white lies and will almost certainly not be permanently successful so will involve a bit of thinking on your feet from time to time.
From my experience organising care for my mum I'd say:
1. Don't worry about making things up to suit - I was concerned about this but my mum never remembered what I'd said.
2. Remember that the person is living in a parallel universe and what is real to them is different
3. If it doesn't work change it - we had a very matter of fact carer who mum clearly didn't like and who just didn't get dementia so didn't do any of the things we asked for as she asked mum who said no. We asked the care agency for someone else and explained why and the new carer does most visits and it works well.
4. We talk about mum's 'cleaner' and her 'ladies' who call. Quite often she doesn't acknowledge that they exist and we check visits from their log in the file.
5. The social worker (I'm one too) should be working with you in your relatives best interest - if they are not, query this. When we eventually used social care to organise care the worker recognised the impact of dementia and what that meant in terms of care - some may not. Discussions do not all have to take place in front of your relative though they need to be involved in some kind of potted appropriate version using whatever language is appropriate in order for the worker to see that they have dementia.
6. We now have 'do this discreetly as mum doesn't think there's a problem' as part of the carers' instructions and the care agency do have a way of dealing with the necessary paperwork where dementia is involved.
Oh, and dementia also affects the ability to reason, which takes some getting your head round, so don't worry if what is said doesn't necessarily make logical sense to you.

 

[smailes]

Thank you everyone for you kind words and so many pearls of wisdom. I get from all of you comments that it may take a while to get to a happy medium but I have to try sometime with something and start from there.
I have to admit most of you sound like that it was a bit of a battle to begin with. Fingers crossed it's ok. My mother is obsessed with money. Having it and realising she hasn't got it. She's forgotten though that we have a joint account so I can pay her bills and still writes cheques from an account that doesn't exist.
What I've done is told her that as she's been receiving her medication in a blister packs the company who make them want to know how she likes them and to ask if her if she has difficulties with getting the tablets out. If she allows them to do an 'audit' they will pay her a small fee. I'll then send her some 'money' in a few weeks as a thank you.
I haven't thought about what to say for the lunchtime carer yet. They come on Monday. I'm hoping in the confusion she thinks it's the same group of people doing the same audit.
It's so difficult as she's so determined to not have any help.
She keeps asking if they are from a religious group. Not sure where she's got that idea from.
She also told me that her 'work' has told her she's got 3 weeks annual leave. So I jumped on that and told her "oh that's good as the people who are coming will probably need to come for 3 weeks"
Oh well. Let's see what happens. On top of all that I've got her finances to sort out too. I'm in the process if trying to gather as much information for a debt relief agency.
I'm knackered. Sad to say it but I'm glad I live over 200 miles away as when I leave I do get on with my life and I so vary been it.
Thanks so much for all your brilliant advice. No doubt it will be taking a snippet from each and every one of you.
Thank you again
Roz x

 

[smailes]

Oh well that went down like a lead balloon!!! She flatly refuses. Despite my white lies she wasn't having any of it. Think she managed 2 days then told them there were people out there who needed more help. I tried to tell her if she continued they would help to pay the bills but nope that wasn't enough.
I've now left a message with her social worker and basically said if she refuses help and nobody prompts her to take her tablets including her dementia tablets then she will be at risk of a stroke. Let alone going into a diabetic coma if she doesn't eat properly.
I may have to go down the extra care housing route if that's the case. Oh well I gave it a go. What can I do if she just refuses?
She won't even do it to help me either. My husband says I should make sure the social worker knows how I feel but to just leave her until she loses capacity.

 

[smailes]

Phew, just 12 hours later and progress has been made. My mother's social worker has spoken to my mum and she's accepted the carers!! Well for now at least. Her social worker has offered a start team to come in for a few weeks to get my mum used to visitors as opposed to suddenly having 2 people in every day. They will come in once a day and determine exactly what needs her needs are.
This morning I thought I was starting all over again, this evening it feels so much brighter.

Roz

 

[smailes]

Oh well that went down like a lead balloon!!! She flatly refuses. Despite my white lies she wasn't having any of it. Think she managed 2 days then told them there were people out there who needed more help. I tried to tell her if she continued they would help to pay the bills but nope that wasn't enough.
I've now left a message with her social worker and basically said if she refuses help and nobody prompts her to take her tablets including her dementia tablets then she will be at risk of a stroke. Let alone going into a diabetic coma if she doesn't eat properly.
I may have to go down the extra care housing route if that's the case. Oh well I gave it a go. What can I do if she just refuses?
She won't even do it to help me either. My husband says I should make sure the social worker knows how I feel but to just leave her until she loses capacity.