• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

What questions should I ask

Just me

Registered User
Nov 17, 2013
386
I’ve got someone from a care home coming on Wednesday to meet mum and do an assessment and would be grateful for an idea of what questions I should ask.

Mum doesn’t want to go into care and I’m conflicted especially as I’m potentially putting her at risk of catching the virus and the restrictions with isolation and visiting in place. A hard decision at the best of times.

I’ve arranged this visit to see if it will help mum accept care but and I’m not thinking clearly, so any help is appreciated.

Thanks
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
682
Hello @Just me

This link might be useful. There is a section on questions to ask when considering a care home. It might be better to ask your questions at a different time, perhaps over the 'phone, rather than during the assessment. It was a bit easier for me, as I moved mum into care from hospital and am still making it out to be a temporary thing three years later. Unfortunately my mum is never settled for long but plenty of people do settle in well and enjoy the care home environment.

 

Just me

Registered User
Nov 17, 2013
386
Thanks @lemonbalm, I’ve had a quick scan and it seems just what I need.

We’re playing the visit as someone who’s coming to see what help mum needs and was going to ask for an email address so I can get in touch with my questions. Looking at the attachment it seems it will be better to phone.

Mum was quite attached to two members of staff at the Day Care and when she didn’t want to go, the mention of them missing her usually persuaded her to go. I’m hoping that once she has seen someone from the care home it may settle some of her worries.

It may be that if she’s still refusing that I take her for a coffee with Gemma when the time comes.

I don’t know what will help me though 🙂 as I’m either thinking I can cope, I don’t want her to be scared to I can’t do this anymore.

Never an easy decision at the best of times.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,831
I think you've several things going on at once here @Just me. One is finding out more about the care home and if it would suit your mum's needs from your point of view, two is whether it is a good idea to move your mother to care and three would the care home accept her.
The first sound things that you need to sort out without your mum there if you can, maybe via email, or zoom or a phone conversion. The third is a tricky one. My mother lived alone two trains and a bus away from me. I went over to see her a couple of times a week, but she was getting into pickles over things when I wasn't there, and doing more and more dangerous things such as drinking with random men in the local pub and inviting them home. Mum had agreed that we would sell her flat and that she would move to a different flat (extra care sheltered accommodation but she didn't know that) near my brother. Then my brother became seriously ill and it became clear that mum needed more help that the flat could provide. I told her she was moving near me for a while until the flat was ready. I just didn't say it was a care home. I told her the two people coming to do the assessment were friends of mine who'd phonedme on the off chance I was at my mums as they happened to be in the neighbourhood. The assessment mainly consisted of mum being charming to them and me saying how lovely moving near me would be. Of course when I actually got her there she was far from happy, but it was either that or wait for the crisis that would have ended mum up in hospital, arrested or sectioned.
 

Just me

Registered User
Nov 17, 2013
386
I think you've several things going on at once here @Just me. One is finding out more about the care home and if it would suit your mum's needs from your point of view, two is whether it is a good idea to move your mother to care and three would the care home accept her.
The first sound things that you need to sort out without your mum there if you can, maybe via email, or zoom or a phone conversion. The third is a tricky one. My mother lived alone two trains and a bus away from me. I went over to see her a couple of times a week, but she was getting into pickles over things when I wasn't there, and doing more and more dangerous things such as drinking with random men in the local pub and inviting them home. Mum had agreed that we would sell her flat and that she would move to a different flat (extra care sheltered accommodation but she didn't know that) near my brother. Then my brother became seriously ill and it became clear that mum needed more help that the flat could provide. I told her she was moving near me for a while until the flat was ready. I just didn't say it was a care home. I told her the two people coming to do the assessment were friends of mine who'd phonedme on the off chance I was at my mums as they happened to be in the neighbourhood. The assessment mainly consisted of mum being charming to them and me saying how lovely moving near me would be. Of course when I actually got her there she was far from happy, but it was either that or wait for the crisis that would have ended mum up in hospital, arrested or sectioned.
Thanks for your reply @Sarasa.

I have found out about the home, I’ve been in touch with them since May when I did an initial assessment, no holes barred and discussed mums needs, that’s why they’ve agreed to do the full assessment at home. I can’t visit any homes because of COVID-19 so I firstly looked at all suitable homes in the area and the CQC reports and gave some a call.
I also asked friends who had relatives in residential care to compare a few.
The home I chose is one where a friends father is currently residing, another friend knew someone who was there last year, another friend of a friend is there currently with his wife for respite and a neighbour knows someone ehose mum was there. All were visiting before the restrictions and spoke highly of the home. I don’t think I could do more in the current circumstances.

Not sure I know what you mean about whether it’s a good idea to move mum to a care home. I’ve agonised over this. We were so close and best friends and we have no other family so it’s going to be hard for both of us.
In an ideal world mum would stay at home and I would look after her which I have done since 2013. two years before she was diagnosed. Sadly she now needs nearly constant attention and care and is up throughout the night and I simply cannot cope. I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ve not had an undisturbed night since before last Christmas, some times only getting one or two hours sleep as I’m often cleaning up accidents in the middle of the night.
Since lockdown she’s become increasingly attached to me and anxious if she doesn’t know where I am, knocking on the window shouting help, when I’m pegging out the washing and the other week she banged on the window when I was having a shower and fetched a neighbour over who thought she was trapped in the house. Its heartbreaking.

I don’t want it, she doesn’t want it but it’s not about what we want, it’s about what she needs. If she settles, great and I do think having someone on hand will help her anxiety. If she doesn’t settle I’ll find it hard to forgive myself.

l’ve already done a short assessment with the manager and told them exactly how she is and they were happy they could provide her with the care she needed. They have an EMI unit and said that in the event mums money runs out, they do accept local authority places and would not expect any top up fees from me (obviously if and when it will be up to the local authority if we need them to pay)

Before I arranged the visit they confirmed they did have a vacancy and when they visit they will be able to see mum for themselves.
I’ve done all of this without mums knowledge and wouldn’t dream of discussing these things in front of her.

When I broached the subject of a care home in a roundabout way earlier in the year mum was full of questions, where would it be, who is it, so I’m simply hoping that if she meets them she’ll feel easier about going.

As I’ve said before it’s a tough decision for most of us normally but with COVID-19 it make it so much harder and now they are talking of discharging patients from hospital who are testing positive back into care homes ‘with suitable isolation’

Who knows if I’ll be strong enough to follow this through.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,197
Dorset
If you don’t follow through with the move you could well collapse yourself and then what would happen? This way you have chosen as best you can in the circumstances and your Mum will be safe and looked after by a team of people who will know how to deal with this. Your Mum is already stressed and upset at home and neither of you can continue to live like that. You have no choice but to go ahead.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,831
Hi @Just me , sorry I wasn't quite sure what the situation with your mum was, which is why I was wondering if you weren't quite sure move to care home was what was needed. From what you've just said it seems that a care home is the only option, tough though it is going to be for both of you. The main things the manager from the care home wanted to know about mum was what medication she was on, if she was allergic to anything and what sort of things she liked to do. This all came out during a general chat between the two people from the home, mum and me.
Hope it all goes well.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,641
South coast
This sounds like an excellent home @Just me and it sounds like you have done a lot of research already. All the questions I was going to suggest, you have already addressed. I honestly wouldnt worry about asking many questions at this stage - you dont want to worry your mum anyway!