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what now?


Registered User
Aug 10, 2004
Hi all, Its a long time since i posted mum died 18/07/06 ihad been caring for her at home full time for 4yrs.While you are caring when you are so tired and you see the person you love starving to death in front of your eyes because they have forgotten how to swallow you pray for them to go so they have got release from this cruel illness also release for yourselfe why is it then you are so lost when they have gone? People say you can start your life again get a job holidays shopping no ties now but how do you pick up the pieces.I have no self confidance no qualifacations on paper it doest count that i cared 24/7 without any outside back up for over 4yrs. I KNOW I DID A GOOD JOB AND MUM DIED AT HOME IN HER OWN BED WITH ME beside her she is fine now but what about me i am 50yrs old where do i go from here? looking at what i have written i sound really sorry formelf its not that its just that i feel so lost i dont regret one moment of caring its just what now?


Registered User
Nov 21, 2006
You've had such a short time to come to terms with losing your mum and, effectively, your job at the same time. You obviously did a wonderful job of caring for your mother, so you are bound to feel lost now she's gone.

To me it sounds as if you need to find something to do, outside of the home, just so that you can meet with and talk to other people. You don't say if you worked before - did you have a job you enjoyed before you became a carer, or is there something you would like to do now that you didn't have the chance to do before? It's not too late to get qualifications if you want them - I have a friend who started a university course last year and she is 50 too. If you don't know what you want to do, why not find a job in a shop, or something like that, where there are different people to meet?

You can never replace your mother and finding a life for yourself will take a lot of time - so most jobs or social life might seem pointless now and as if you don't enjoy what you are doing much anyway, but if you can make yourself keep going out and doing things, you will get more confident and gradually find things you like doing and people you like being with.

You don't sound sorry for yourself, what you are going through is hard. I hope you find something that helps you soon.



Registered User
Feb 22, 2006
sort of north east ish
hi storm. it leaves a huge gap when someone you've been caring for 24/7 isn't there anymore. it sounds like mum had been your whole life for 4 years, and you made an admirable job of caring for her. not surprising you're at a bit of a loss now, and despite not regretting it, feeling you've missed out a bit on other things.

do you know what you would like to do if you had the confidence? the qualifications? are there pieces from more than 4 years ago that you could start to pick up? friendships? interests?

you might find there's something of help in local adult ed colleges. in derby where i work there was a women's confidence and return to work sort of course. is broxtowe college near you? seem to remember seeing an interesting leaflet of what they had on offer a while ago. just a thought.

my dad died a couple of weeks after your mum, and although I didn't care for him at home i spent almost all my free time at the nursing home with him. after he died i had quite a job just remembering what I used to do when I didn't go to the nh every night after work. it takes time.

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear Storm, So sorry to hear your mum died last July.
When you`ve been a carer 24/7/52 for 4 years, it isn`t surprising you are having problems getting your life together.
For more than 4 years, your mother was your life. You were isolated from society, did nothing, went nowhere, just cared. It`s not surprising you don`t know where to begin.
You put your mother first. You did well for her. Now you must put yourself first and try and do well for yourself. How would she feel if she thought she had ruined your life.
Try Aine`s suggestion. See what Adult Education has to offer. If you don`t feel ready for that, could you get a small part time job. Do you think you would like working with children? There are usually vacancies for lunchtime supervisers in schools.
Look in the local papers, see what`s on offer. I`m not sure whether Job Centres are still operating, but if they are, why not go and see if they have anything for you.
Whatever the work, it will bring you back in contact with the outside world and other people. More or less any job would do, just to get you on your feet again.
Good luck, let us know how you get on. Sylvia


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi Storm

So sorry that you're feeling so low. I'm not surprised you don't know where to start, it must have left such a hole in your life when your mum died.

But you must now start to think about yourself, and Áine, fluff and Sylvia have made some excellent suggestions.

What would you like to do? Do you want to get some qualifications, or just learn something new out of interest?

Would you like to work in a shop? You could perhaps write to M&S, they run very good training schemes, and are a caring employer.

Or would you like to carry on caring? You could get a job in a nursing home, if that wouldn't be too upsetting for you. Or if you have a local branch of Crossroads you could contact them to see if they need carers. I'm sure your experience in caring for your mum would help you there, but it may be too soon for you to want to do that.

There atre so many possibilities, but you first have to decide which direction you want to go in. Not easy, I know, when you're feeling down. But take your time. I'm sure the solution will come to you.

All the best,


Registered User
Aug 10, 2004
Hi All, Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I have noted all your suggestions the problem is i can think of plenty of things to do but cant decide or actually get round to doing them! never mind suppose i will sort it in time, Yesterday was a bit of a low day i am halve way through filling in a job application for a carers post dont know if i will send it but we could really use the extra money. I am content at home its just this feeling of having to do something i think i just need to be needed if you know what i mean.Thank you all again this site helped me so much in my caring days i suddenly realised i missed it. STORM


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi Storm

You're always welcome here, you're among friends.

You don't have to make any decisions until you're ready. If you're happy staying at home, do that. One day you'll suddenly realise that it's time to move on. You can't do it until you're ready, and the time scale is different for eveyone.

Keep in touch, and let us know how you get on.


Registered User
Feb 6, 2007
United States
So sorry for your loss

I lost Dad in 03 with it now MaMa is in the hospital after almost 5 years and 86 in Aoril......We just found out she can't swallow and she has aspiration Pneumonia....They want to put a feeding tube in...I don't think it is the right thing to do to her. No quailty of life left...I don't know what to do...I am crying all day for 5 days already. She wants to go I can see it...I too will go crazy when shes gone but this tube issue. I am looking for what is right to do...I think I know the answer....
Daughter N....


Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
As you say, you do know what you think and feel is the right thing to do.- I would say go with your gut feelings.

Thinking of you.
Love Helen


Registered User
Mar 4, 2006
South Wales
Hi Storm,

Sorry to hear about your loss and very understandable feelings.

Have you tried contacting your local branch - some of them run courses or activities for former carers.

A year or two ago there was a scheme of special grants (from Lottery?) for former carers - working in groups I think - to help them to help themselves get back to their previous activities or find new ones. It may be that another Talking Point member or the Society's information desk will know if these are still available.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.



Registered User
Dec 21, 2006

Sounds like you did a really ace job with your Mum - take time out now to look after yourself.

Little steps will get you there - maybe something for the future would be talking to an organisation that could offer you advice and guidance on your future career path. I now that 'Connexions' offer this in the form of 'nextstep' for the over 20's - specialising in creating CV's etc based on what experience you have - this doesn't have to sound bleak - all of the caring you did for your Mum can be worded to highlight a skill - keeping a household together can all be taken into account - they can really help you create your CV to reflect your strengths - offer advice on where to get any relevant training. Point you in the right direction.

But remember little steps - you have to do what is right for you at the end of the day.

Hope everything goes ok.....:)


Registered User
Jan 19, 2006
storm . its not easy.
I know how u feel I lost my husband 1st Dec 2006 and u wonder what to do with yourself each day. it all seams to much bother going about the days wondering what next . The local (Nottingam)Alzheimers carers group offer suport to past carers as well as those who are still caring. I like you live in the notts area . I have found that I have to just go with what I am feeling at any one time . Lots of well meaning people said you should do this of that . They tell me that Im coping too well and they wonder when I going to breakdown , but they dont see whats going on inside , and behind the smile what the loss of my soulmate is doing to me. The only thing I can send you is a HUG down the line, to let you know that I just take one hour at a time and hope that it may come less painfull with time. Take care


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Dear Roann

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. It's not long since you lost your husband, and it will take time. The ache will always be there, but it will get easier.

roann said:
I have to just go with what I am feeling at any one time . Lots of well meaning people said you should do this of that .
There's no 'should'. You're right to go with the flow for now. You can't make decisions when the hurt is so new.

Just be good to yourself, cry if you want to, and keep posting. There's always someone here to listen.


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