what now

[dmc]

hi everyone
we had to admit my mum back into EMI yesterday as she didnt know my dad, when she woke up, and she was trying to "go home" all day even though she was at home, has anybody been through this yet?
she was very distressed and trying to get out through the doors and screaming for help its a good job the neighbours know whats going on!
today she had tea with the queen then somebody had stolen her bag and she'd spent all day looking for it
were hoping with a change of medication things might settle down enough for us to bring her home again next week, were having a stairlift fitted after waiting for 5 weeks!! so it will be a bit easier for dad, in the meantime were having a little bit of rest trying to recharge the batteries.
hope ive posted this in the right forum?
im still a learner

 

[Áine]

Hi Donna, sorry to hear you're going through this. It's horrible isn't it. Dad was like this at the end of last year and early this year before he went into a nursing home. He'd phone me all hours saying that he was concerned that he'd been left there (his home) and thought he ought to set out and try to find his own way home. Because he's deaf there was no reasoning with him on the phone, so I'd have to go across town to try to settle him. It was pretty awful, cos no guarantee that he wouldn't do exactly the same thing an hour later.

Someone quite recently posted something about going home on this forum, not just sure where to find it. But I think people are wanting to go home to a place where things make sense and feel safe again .... go home back in time to when it was OK. In a flash of insight in one of these nightmare scenarios with dad he actually said to me that it was crazy but he wanted to be taken out and brought back to the same place ...... I think he was wanting to be brought back to his house but 20 years ago when all was well.

best wishes
Áine

 

[dmc]

hello Aine
thanks for your reply,
it is so sad, but in a strange way it does make sense, to want to go back somewhere were you felt safe, i hadnt thought of it like that, we spent ages trying to convince mum that she was home and nobody was going to hurt her,she actually wanted me to take her to see my mum, i think perhaps now i have to come to terms with the fact that she no longer recognises me as her daughter, but perhaps i can still be a friend.
hope all is well with your dad take care

 

[Kathleen]

Hello Donna

Of course you can still be your Mum's friend.

Over the last 18 months I have been in Mum's eyes, her friend, sister, daughter, neighbour, carer and for a while, a nice young man who should get his hair cut!

Through all this, I know she is still my Mum and nothing will ever change that, not even AD.

My Mum constantly wanted to go home for a few months, both in her own home of 34 years and in the EMI home, but it did eventually stop, it seems to be almost universal as a symptom.

Hope you Mum soon gets through this phase, it is distressing for all of you.

Kathleen

 

[dmc]

thanks

thanks kathleen,
i suppose i will be wearing a lot of "hats" so to speak over the comming months i'll just do my best to fill whatever roll she sees me in!
It is very distressing, but i cant believe just how many people are going through the same thing, TP has certainly opened my eyes.
knowing there are people out there like yourself who are willing to write and give advice is a great source of comfort to me.

 

[Lynne]

To those caring for parents - it IS such a help & comfort to know that many dementia patients exhibit these types of behaviours towards their children.

We are 'programmed' to expect our parents to be loving & caring towards us, and in normal circumstances if they become angry or critical or aloof, we look for reasons and what "we've done wrong". Even when we are adults and we know that it is dementia changing their behaviour, our instincts still tell us we must have been bad to be receiving such treatment from Mum or Dad. That feeling stays with us, even when we know it's not true. Add in the guilt which afflicts us because we can't put right what is wrong, or personally take care of our parent when they need extra care, and you have pure misery for the carers.

 

[Áine]

Donna says "she actually wanted me to take her to see my mum"

I can so relate to that Donna. I'm not sure it means they don't know that we're their daughters anymore. Another odd incident from my dad: I arrived at my dad's front door (before he went into nh) and could see him holding the phone in the hallway through the glass. He opened the door and asked me if I'd seen my dad today. Then asked me to wait a minute because he had Áine on the phone. He went back to talking into the phone saying that his daughter had just arrived. Then he offered me the phone and asked me if I wanted a word with her. I think both of us ended up about as confused as each other ...... but I don't think he doubted that I was his daughter.

Another time I went to where he was in respite care to collect him for an appointment. When I found him he was roaming around and said "hello, I was just looking for your dad". When I reminded him that he IS my dad, he agreed, but said that I have 2 dads and he was looking for the other one.

For some reason, there seems to be two of everyone ...... he's sustained the idea for weeks that he's been married twice (not ..... he was married to my mother for 54 years!). I wonder if it might be another aspect of the wanting to go home ..... I guess there's two homes too ...... the one they're in now and the one from the past that they wish it was. I wonder if thinking I have two dads, and trying to find the other one is something about trying to connect with the person he once was. My best stab at making sense of it anyway.

 

[noelphobic]

thanks kathleen,
i'll just do my best to fill whatever roll she sees me in!
QUOTE]

Cheese, ham, maybe tuna lol! You can take self sacrifice too far you know!

 

[dmc]

thanks again Aine,
its a relief to hear these things are "normal" with dementia, if you can call it that, i know myself my mum has had me quite convinced that the conversations we have are quite real im thinking of asking EMI to find me a bed


hi noelphobic
thanks for the observation, it did make me laugh i think im going to start previewing my post, there is a limit to the lengths i,ll go to for my mum!!