LISA YOUNG Registered User

    Feb 1, 2005
    My Mum has now been diagnosed with AD after many months of trying to get her to see someone, (my Dad denies its happening) She went to pieces after the tests receiving only 20 points. My Dad has convinced himself that this was due to a panic attack. My mum is refusing to go to any more doctors etc, and at this stage my Dad is going along with it.
    I feel she has had AD for at least a couple of years, but as she is protected by my Dad it is not always apparent to all, but she is my mum and she has changed.
    I want her to go for the further test and perhaps medication, but how do I do that without hurting my parents? How do I get my Dad to open up and tell the medical people exactly what is happening? He doesnt tell them anything if it might upset my Mum or make her aware of her failings.
  2. thompsonsom

    thompsonsom Registered User

    Jul 4, 2004
    Hi Lisa

    Your dad is not protecting your mum by not being open with her symptoms,he is indering whatever help is available that may prolong the onset of this dreadful disease. You need to get your dad to one side and explain that it is in the best interest of your mum to allow the medical people to help. There are drugs out there that can slow down the illness and your mum could enjoy her quality of life much longer, it need not be the end. I wish we had taken heed of the warning signs with my mum in law instead of just putting it down to typical old age forgetfulness, if we had who knows she may still be living in her own home not that i begrudge in any way her coming to live with us as we have had her nearly a year now and the way i look at it is that its another year we have been able to keep her out of a nursing home. It is only in the last 3 months that aricept has finally been given and we have seen a remarkable improvement in her memory things she did a couple of days ago she can now remember whereas before she couldnt even remember what she had done an hour ago. We often say if only and this is the point you need to get across to your dad. You can't stop the progress just by ignoring it, is is not something that is going to get better or go away but it is going to get worse if left untreated and then he will have no choice but to seek help and by then it may be too late.

    Good luck

  3. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    West Sussex
    Hi Lisa, this is difficult for all of you, your Mum because she is terrified of what is happening to her. Your Dad, because he loves your Mum so very much and wants to ignore the fact that there are problems (this is quite a common reaction, especially between a close married couple. In a way, it is them against the world in their eyes you see.) Like Jan says, until you can get your Dad to accept they need help, there's not a lot you can do. They can't force him to accept help with your Mum's care. But if she would benefit from medication, perhaps that could swing it for you, because the only way to find out is to seek the help of the proffessionals. Perhaps if you try that aproach, that medication might help,( but bear in mind, it may or may not.) You must be feeling so exasperated, desperate to help them but unable to until they say the word. All you can do is be there, what ever. There will come a time when he say's he can't cope, it is always sad when the main carer leaves this too long and becomes exhausted and or ill themselves before they will accept this. Sadly too, this is often what happens. He is her next of kin and it is down to him in the end I'm afraid. Thinking of you, hope you can persuade him, love She.xx
  4. barraf

    barraf Registered User

    Mar 27, 2004
    What next

    Hello Lisa

    I know how your dad feels, I too put off getting medical help when Margaret started showing signs of memory loss. You just don't want to know.

    Can you talk to him? Have you tried getting him to read any information about AD or dementia in general? The Society will furnish you with lots of leaflets and pamphlets explainng the symptoms and course of the disease. If I had read these earlier I probably would have sought help earlier. When you read them you can see how your wife/partner/parent fits into the pattern.

    Try not to worry too much about not getting medication at this stage, because although it can help it doesn't in every case, and most times is only effective for a limited time.

    The main thing is to get onto the books of your GP and the Consultant, and as early as possible onto the Social Services list.

    I know we all complain about the SS, but they do fill a much needed service albeit slowly, hence the need to get hold of them early.

    All the best.

  5. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    all that you describe is typical of what many of us have been, and are going through.
    The only possible way that I can think of to surmount your problems is to try and enlist the help of the GP.
    I am not aware how helpful your GP is but would it be possible to ask him to call on some pretence and have a chat with Dad?
    Until you can convince Dad that he needs help you have a problem.
    Also as Baraf advised contact SS and take what assistance they can offer, you will then be in the "system" so to speak.
    All best wishes
    Norman :)

    LISA YOUNG Registered User

    Feb 1, 2005

    Can I just thank you all for you kind words and advice, this is the first time I have turned to someone other than my family for advice, sometimes we are to close and say what the other family member wants to hear and not what they should hear. You have told me what I knew, and confirmed what I need to do. My mum has seen the doctor, they are aware of the problem and although it is hard I intend to help my Dad to cope with my Mum, I want him and my Mum to have some quality of life for as long as possible.

    Thanks again Lisa
  7. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Information and Reassurance

    Dear Lisa,

    Printing some of the initial fact sheets for your father may well help, especially if you sat down and went through them together. I'm sure he is very frightened for the future.

    It would also be a great idea to tell him [if you haven't already] that you are 100% committed to supporting him in caring for your mother.

    Best wishes,

  8. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    West Sussex
    Dear Lisa, thats what TP is all about! What ever, when ever, your not alone, so glad we could help. Jude mentioned the fact sheets, I did that to help my family understand what was happening and it really did help. Keep us all posted, love She. XX :)

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