We’re driving back to Mum’s house, after our regular day out. “What shall we sing?” I ask. She only remembers one song.
“Do we know one called ‘haven’t we had a lovely day out’”? she replies. I’ve been doing this 6 years, and 99 times out of 100 I’d be fine, but it chokes me right up.
“No. How about ‘Bubbles’”? We sing ‘Bubbles’. “Fortune’s always hiding, I’ve looked everywhere”. She’s flat, but sings with conviction.
We drop into the supermarket. I have a list for me and a list for her. I can’t find them. “Do you want to come in, or shall I whip round quickly?” – “yes, you go in, I’ll wait in the car”. I put Radio 3 on quietly for her.
I’m gone 5 minutes. She doesn’t know that, because after 2 minutes she’s forgotten when I left or where I went. All she knows is she’s in a dark car park on her own. When I come back, she opens the car door and waves. I know something’s wrong. I say Hi, but she starts crying uncontrollably. “I knew you wouldn’t leave me”, she sobs. I tell her I’ve only been 5 minutes, and she does believe me, but it doesn’t help.
I can’t get her to stop crying. I know it’s because she knows I’ll be leaving soon. I know she cries every time I leave, and she tries not to let me see it. Now I try to wait until the evening carer comes, or phone someone and leave mum talking to them. It helps a bit. I want to make sure this is the ‘normal’ crying, not something else. I ask her if she’s scared when I leave, or lonely. She’s lonely.
We have a conversation we’ve had about 20 times – of course she doesn’t know that. “The only way I can stop you being lonely is if you move to live with lots of people. Then you never need to be on your own”. She goes through all the reasons to stay in her house, where she’s lived for 44 years. Most of them are mistaken – she can’t conceive of how her future life will be. I correct each one in turn, but it doesn’t sink in. I’ve tried to think of how to explain it to her, but drawn a blank.
She’s still crying when the carer arrives. It occurs to me that the carer will think I’ve done something, but she knows mum well enough, and sees mum crying most visits. The three of us continue the conversation. Mum doesn’t recognise the carers, so she thinks this one has come especially to sort out where she should live. Mum’s slightly calmer when I leave. I’ll see her again in 4 days, but for her 4 days has no meaning. She may not be as bad next time. When this started I was a mess – when she cried, I cried. Now I’m harder, and I hate that I had to get that hard.
“Do we know one called ‘haven’t we had a lovely day out’”? she replies. I’ve been doing this 6 years, and 99 times out of 100 I’d be fine, but it chokes me right up.
“No. How about ‘Bubbles’”? We sing ‘Bubbles’. “Fortune’s always hiding, I’ve looked everywhere”. She’s flat, but sings with conviction.
We drop into the supermarket. I have a list for me and a list for her. I can’t find them. “Do you want to come in, or shall I whip round quickly?” – “yes, you go in, I’ll wait in the car”. I put Radio 3 on quietly for her.
I’m gone 5 minutes. She doesn’t know that, because after 2 minutes she’s forgotten when I left or where I went. All she knows is she’s in a dark car park on her own. When I come back, she opens the car door and waves. I know something’s wrong. I say Hi, but she starts crying uncontrollably. “I knew you wouldn’t leave me”, she sobs. I tell her I’ve only been 5 minutes, and she does believe me, but it doesn’t help.
I can’t get her to stop crying. I know it’s because she knows I’ll be leaving soon. I know she cries every time I leave, and she tries not to let me see it. Now I try to wait until the evening carer comes, or phone someone and leave mum talking to them. It helps a bit. I want to make sure this is the ‘normal’ crying, not something else. I ask her if she’s scared when I leave, or lonely. She’s lonely.
We have a conversation we’ve had about 20 times – of course she doesn’t know that. “The only way I can stop you being lonely is if you move to live with lots of people. Then you never need to be on your own”. She goes through all the reasons to stay in her house, where she’s lived for 44 years. Most of them are mistaken – she can’t conceive of how her future life will be. I correct each one in turn, but it doesn’t sink in. I’ve tried to think of how to explain it to her, but drawn a blank.
She’s still crying when the carer arrives. It occurs to me that the carer will think I’ve done something, but she knows mum well enough, and sees mum crying most visits. The three of us continue the conversation. Mum doesn’t recognise the carers, so she thinks this one has come especially to sort out where she should live. Mum’s slightly calmer when I leave. I’ll see her again in 4 days, but for her 4 days has no meaning. She may not be as bad next time. When this started I was a mess – when she cried, I cried. Now I’m harder, and I hate that I had to get that hard.
