What if you don't like/love them?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by magpie, Jul 23, 2006.

  1. magpie

    magpie Registered User

    Jul 21, 2006
    Bel. I really liked your reply - you are spot on. I sometimes think if it wasn't so 'compulsory' to love my mum because she is my mum I might get to like her more. Sometimes nowadays I do like her more than I have for ages, because she's not in charge. She will sometimes will be quite simple and childlike, as I have never seen her, and I can imagine the girl she used to be. Then next thing, of course, she'll take a strop and start ordering me round again and being really hurtful - since I joined TP I realise that's not unusual - it's just that my mum always did it!

    With the the help of people her on the forum, I'm feeling a lot easier in my mind now about how I can relate to my Mum and look after her. I no longer feel that I have to/should get up close and personal; I'm sure that would do neither of us any good. But I'm going to do the best job I can of making sure she's well cared for, from a distance. I've dragged myself out of my self-pitying sloth and got her finances sorted out and got in touch with my local AS branch who have been wonderful and am working with them to put together a care package for mum. I visit her regularly, every other week and sometimes it's - well, not a pleasure, but more ok than I ever remember; sometimes it's dreadful, but you all know that.

    It's not ideal, but what is in this business?

    There's a long way to go too and it ain't going to get better, hard for her; hard for me and my sisters, so I'm glad I found this place.
    Thanks everyone
  2. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    on the spot

    Dear Magpie
    thanks for your reply it has made me feel good to think i might of been of help i am so slow on computor 1 fingered and i only have a wee while at night in between watching hubby so i print threads off to read the next day i did this with your thread and was amazed how many TP members have or had a bad childhood with mothers i wish it was not so but ---i know there is al lot of you who understand some of what i went through and still am
    Love Bel x
  3. magpie

    magpie Registered User

    Jul 21, 2006
    Thanks Bel,
    It doesn't take many words to say 'you are not alone ' but it means millions
  4. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    Suzanne, I have a relative with mental illness and we were always told not to enter into his psychosis or collude with his fantasies or partanoia. However, it seems to be significantly different with AD sufferers. By insisting on "truth" and "reality" (from our perspective!) we seem only to confuse and confound the AD sufferer. This has been one of the hardest things I've had to do IMHO. I feel very guilty and manipulative when I don't tell my parents (esp. Mum with AD) things because they would only get upset. I found that TP was a HUGE help because I could see from other people's letters that nothing much was gained (generally more to be lost) by trying to stick to the old patterns of being open, honest and truthful.

    It has made me wonder if the traditional "wisdom" of not colluding with the delusions of the mentally ill person are really as sound in fact as they seem to be in theory. If someone can not think in the way we do, what is the point in "making" them face our reality??

    Certainly having a loved one with AD has challenged a great many norms for me and. like the resat of this thread, provided a lot of "food for thought".
    Good Luck with your situation.
  5. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    I absolutely agree with Nell. While the "not entering the psychosis" may be valid with a mental illness, someone with dementia is not in he same situation at all. For a start, there is some hope with mental illness that with meds or nanagment there may be a real improvement. A dementia sufferer has no such hope - the brain is damaged permanently. If entering into the psychosis is what has to be done to give the sufferer some peace, then do it.

  6. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    I felt I had to enter a little way (but remembering to keep my lifebelt on).
  7. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #47 Margarita, Aug 6, 2006
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2006
    Yes if you think about it, our memory our like diaries soared away in the long team memory. But by bit the page are despairing been wipe out rolled back with someone who has dementia.

    Imagine a 76-year-old dementia person. looking in the mirror & the pages of her diaries in her memory have been wipe out say 36 years so when she look in the mirror she is looking at the mirror of her self at the age of 36 so at the age of 36 her mother father sister, brother may be alive

    To her she has no memories after the age of 36, so when her carer thing its spooky or scary that she is seeing dead people to her its not because that is her reality as all the other pages in her dairy in her memories has been wipe out . So that’s why maybe they always want to go home because in there memory they are home but what they see with there eyes around them is not what they are seeing in there memory

    As time move forward for us time for her in her memories diaries are moving backwards for her, in the early stage of my mother AD some of the above use to happen to her seeing dead people , wanting to go home.

    It was hard emotional entering her past .But now with the medication ts slow it down gave her back her memories from her dairies that where sorted in the long tream memory . A time will come when the medication will not work ,but during that time that the medication is working it has given me time to understand read up what is happening so when it happen again , with the memories been wipe out I shall have no fear when mum see all her dead brother, sister dad mum or she tell me stories that to her are her reality from her sorted long team memory daily that are rolling back Disappearing .
  8. crazyannie

    crazyannie Registered User

    Aug 9, 2006
    USA West Virginia
    Thank you Magpie

    I am a newbie here. When I read your post, I knew I was in the right place. I could have written a lot that was in your writing. I struggled all of my life to find a healthy balance, now guess who is back in the mix and turning my life upside down? Mommie Dearest! I am struggling with resentment because my perfect, happy life has been turned upside down and this pathetic bitter old woman has no one else to look after her. It feels like this is going to destroy me. Reading everyone elses posts really really helps. I am grateful to be a part of caring compassionate people. Thank you for posting

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