What happens when the main carer is ill............?

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,968
Kent
My husband was always a true homeperson. He was rubbish at DIY, but when we both worked he did all the shopping, cooking and financial management.

I don`t know about the `get me` syndrome Padraig, but my husband was always the first to offer to make a drink or snack, and our family and friends would all vouch for the quality of his hospitality, and the meals he cooked for them.

Now he cannot juggle all the aspects of food preparation, and is resentful that I have `taken over` the kitchen.

Now he cannot drive and is resentful that I order our shopping online.

Now he cannot read a bank statement and is resentful that I have control over his money.

So much resentment, and all directed towards me. Who else can he direct it towards?
 

Grommit

Registered User
Apr 26, 2006
2,127
Doncaster
Don't know if this helps but when Jean was very very resentful of me cleaning her up after toileting, used to tell her that it was on the orders of the doctor or anyone else that sprang to mind.

It had to be someone she respected and looked up to.
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
John was always handy round the house, DIY, electrics, plumbing, etc. As an architect, he know how things work. He was also good with money, and kept a close check on his investments.

Now he can't do anything like that. He never cooked much, but he always did the washing up. That's gone too now. He hasn't driven for three years.

But strangely, he has no resentment. He's not a 'get me' either, he always thanks me for what I do for him.

But you're right, Padraig, it is like looking after a baby again -- except that this baby is 6'2" and 13 stone! I wash and shave and change him, but if the time comes that I have to lift him, I have no chance. I wouldn't be able to do it now if he wasn't co-operative.

But he's a lovely man, and as long as I can possibly cope, I will.
 

Natashalou

Registered User
Mar 22, 2007
426
london
Cant really help much apart from to say sorry you are ill.

Have u tried

A) Gel heat pads
B) Osteopath (did wonders for me)
c) Ultrasound machine (cured partners tennis injury)

hope u feel better soon x
 

Lonestray

Registered User
Aug 3, 2006
236
Hereford
Lifting

Hi Hazel,

When I first took my wife fron the NH, there was no support, but that didn't matter as I'd already decided there was nothing or any body to help. About a month later someone got wind of our situation, the OT people, who supplied us with a hoist and straps to lift Jean with. I had already bought a wheelchair, commode and other equipment as she had already lost movement and speech.

The hoist I put in the garage as she weighed just over five stone easy to lift. She was bed ridden then. Nine months later to be exact Christmas I was feeling low so I dressed her for the first time. Now I required the hoist to lift her into the wheelchair, wrap her up well and take her out for a walk. That act made that Christmas very special and was to inspire me to go the extra mile.

Jean is now nearer nine stone, dead weight and stiff as a board. Today and every day using the hoist I lift her on to the commode, wheel her into the bathroom, to wash her head to toe and brush her teeth. Hoist her onto the bed to dress her, hoist her on to the chair to feed her, again lift her on to the bed to sleep where she's now. The same routine I repeat time and again throughout each day.

The good thing, she's realy is a baby, sleeping a lot, the only difference she's a very quiet one and big (weight wise). I'm only 10st 4lbs ahd have to lift her in and out of the car when I take her shopping twice a week, or anywhere I go like to the dentice.
It would be very unfare to expect you to undertake the same task without help and even then it would mean you'd be housebound.
Though I can't see it happening for now, but should I become unable to lift her into the car, I'll consider changing the car for one with a ramp.
Just thought the above might give an insight for those contemplating hanging in there as long as they wish. Hope it's of help. Padraig
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Thanks Padraig. The way you manage is wonderful.

I have to accept that I'll never be able to do all that for John, I have a disc problem in my neck which frequently gives me a trapped nerve.

However, at the moment life is easy compared with many TP members, and I'll carry on until it becomes impossible. The thought of not having him around fills me with dread.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,968
Kent
Hi Deborah, I`m much better today, thank you.

I can walk without a stick but am still sore and hobbling. At least there`s an improvement.

I have just been for a short walk and was talking to my neighbour.

Dhiren went there a few evenings ago [when I thought he`d gone for a walk], and asked about Estate Agents. He asked if he could go back the next day and phone from their house, as he didn`t want to phone from here. He had to get back to India [Manchester]

He also said `the girl next door`, is always on the computer and it`s costing a fortune in electricity.

It`s a long time since I`ve been referred to as a girl.
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Hi Sylvia

Glad you're managing to get about a bit better. Take it easy for a while. Try to keep moving, but don't do anything that will cause strain. (Sorry, teaching 'Grannie' to suck eggs!)

It's a good job your neighbour knows you!

Love,
 

janetruth

Registered User
Mar 20, 2007
563
nuneaton
Hi Sylvia

Hope you are a lot better today and continue to improve.:)

People say to take every day as it comes, I live by this rule, more so since Mum has been with us, as we can not make too many plans. that involve her.
On the other hand it has taken a lot of forward planning and thought tp get things into place for Mums Reaspite, so we can take a family holiday.

Your situation did get me thinking.
What if I was ill or worse, what would happen to Mum.
I once mentioned to one of my sisters ( I have 5, none of whom is in a position to take Mum in) that if things got too much for me, what should I do.
She said ' If you get to that stage and YOU can't cope, then none of us would be able to.
I hope that day never comes and I can carry on to the end.

Take Care Sylvia x
Janetruth

Hello Padraig

Love and devotion, have kept you going, you are and have been for a long time.
'A man in a womans world'.
You are an inspiration to ALL.:)

Take Care Bye for now
Janetruth x
 

chip

Registered User
Jul 19, 2005
400
Scotland
Interesting how many of us carers have or have had trapped nerves. They think that is what is wrong with me but its lower leg giving me a dropped foot so walking is not too good for me at the moment. Is this something to do with us having to do so much and lift as well?
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
I'm afraid my cervical disk problem and trapped nerve predate AD -- in fact I had them before I even met John, so I can't blame him for that. Nowadays, it tends to be stress and tension in my neck muscles that bring on an attack -- and that is often AD-related.
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
s this something to do with us having to do so much and lift as well?
yes

they is something called manuel handling training that show you how to bend with the knees rather then bending with your back if you get my point .

also a physiotherapy , can come to your house to show you how to life your wife as she laying down , if she finding it hard to get up . so you do not hurt your shoulder or back .

I originally hurt my back at work lifting, reaching bending in the wrong way
 
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Lila13

Registered User
Feb 24, 2006
1,342
All too often it seems it's the ill one who's expected to care, because all the healthy people are too busy "living their own lives" ...
 

fluff

Registered User
Nov 21, 2006
51
Sylvia
Sorry to hear you are in such pain, I hope some of the remedies work and you recover quickly.

Would it be impossible to take some of the advise offerred me, and introduce alternative and respite carers as friends? If you could that would put at least some sort of safety net in place?
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,968
Kent
Thanks fluff, but my husband is not yet at the stage where I can bluff him.

He distrusts me enough as it is, when I am trying to go against his will, so to produce `friends` from nowhere, would be asking for trouble.

It is kind of you to try to help though, so thank you.

Love xx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,968
Kent
Hi Natasha,

I went back to the GP and have to go for a pelvic Xray, tomorrow and a Blood Test.

He now thinks it might be an arthritic hip, but I also have Osteoporosis and problems absorbing calcium, and last year I had a Parathyroid Gland removed, so I am slowly disintegrating. :rolleyes:

Dhiren keeps forgetting anything`s wrong and every time he sees me walk, asks why I am limping. He presumes it`s a slipped disc, which I had in 1983.

I`ve a prescription for stronger painkillers. :eek:

Looks like we`ll have to call off our nostalgic visit to Manchester next Monday.:(

Thank you for asking. :)

Love xx
 

DeborahBlythe

Registered User
Dec 1, 2006
9,222
Hello Sylvia, Oh I've just spotted this reply to Natashalou. Sorry to make you jump around from thread to thread!
Are you calling the trip off because you think it will be too much hassle or are you worried about the pain? Hope that tomorrow is better for you, and that the Xray and test goes uneventfully. Love Deborah. x
 

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