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What happens if? The question has been asked.

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,979
0
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
Today I attended hospital for a biopsy regarding a non life threatening skin condition and as requested I gathered all my medicines to take with me. When Pauline asked me why I said I presume it is in case I am kept in overnight and they have medication for me. It was then she asked the question I have worried about, “but who will look after me if they do, what will happen to me?” This led to a long chat of mainly reassurance but also practical stuff but the most telling was when she calmly said , “It’s no good asking my three to look after me as they arn’t interested in me anymore.” The upshot is I am going to draw up and emergency plan about contacts and if possible my youngest daughter (a community nurse) to try and place her in an assisted living facility as she is not right for a care home yet and, as Pauline admitted she cant look after herself for long owning to short term memory loss and so will depend on dependable assistance on tap so to speak. For so long she just wouldnt take part in any question about care as she never believed it would be needed. Anyone else had such a conversation and what advice would you give in this situation? Cheers.
 

My Mum's Daughter

Registered User
Feb 8, 2020
92
0
Pre-dementia days, Mum was carer for my Dad. On a Thursday evening, Mum was rushed to hospital which left me with a teenager, a job, a Dad with complex needs and a Mum to visit in another town. It just wasn't going to work.
By 10:30 the following morning, I realised that I needed help and with the approaching weekend, that help was needed that day.
I went into Dad's doctors, explained what had happened and admitted that there was no way that I could take over the caring responsibility. They were wonderful, got us a social worker and between them, found respite, organised a twice daily visit from the district nurses and managed to do his med chart.
By 2:30, Dad was in an amazing care home where he remained until Mum was fit.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
73,192
0
Kent
Hello @Agzy

I stand to be corrected but feel it is very unusual and even fortunate [ if I dare say so ] to be able to discuss possible future or emergency care with a person with dementia.

You have had permission from Pauline to make provision should it be needed and you have been spared the need for deceit.

I sincerely hope this will not be needed but it has made you aware of possibilities ahead and the fact Pauline is at this stage able to cope with it.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,517
0
My dad had the occasional moment of clarity as to his and my positions, he once said to me 'i would starve if it wasn't for you' and it was true. I think you are being very sensible @Agzy and it is good that Pauline recognises that she needs help.
 

PalSal

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
961
0
Pratteln Switzerland
Today I attended hospital for a biopsy regarding a non life threatening skin condition and as requested I gathered all my medicines to take with me. When Pauline asked me why I said I presume it is in case I am kept in overnight and they have medication for me. It was then she asked the question I have worried about, “but who will look after me if they do, what will happen to me?” This led to a long chat of mainly reassurance but also practical stuff but the most telling was when she calmly said , “It’s no good asking my three to look after me as they arn’t interested in me anymore.” The upshot is I am going to draw up and emergency plan about contacts and if possible my youngest daughter (a community nurse) to try and place her in an assisted living facility as she is not right for a care home yet and, as Pauline admitted she cant look after herself for long owning to short term memory loss and so will depend on dependable assistance on tap so to speak. For so long she just wouldnt take part in any question about care as she never believed it would be needed. Anyone else had such a conversation and what advice would you give in this situation? Cheers.
My experience was that a clear plan relieved my stress over these matters. Illness forced me in 2015 to have clear plans and establish some paid services. You will feel better for having done this I am sure.
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,979
0
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
Hello @Agzy

I stand to be corrected but feel it is very unusual and even fortunate [ if I dare say so ] to be able to discuss possible future or emergency care with a person with dementia.

You have had permission from Pauline to make provision should it be needed and you have been spared the need for deceit.

I sincerely hope this will not be needed but it has made you aware of possibilities ahead and the fact Pauline is at this stage able to cope with it.
Exactly what I thought and the whole conversation was so ‘grown up’ and genuine so now it is a case of getting things on paper and then seeking professional help as to needs and advice on how to put it to her sons as something accepted by mum and not a fait accompli by me, thank you.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
782
0
I was able to talk to my Mum about the future. She didn't always agree that she needed care , which my Dad had been providing, but I was firm that we might need to think of a time when he could no longer do this. We arranged twice weekly "day care" at a local care home to introduce her and that was where she eventually lived permanently. I made it clear that I would always visit and reassured her that it would be a calm environment , where less would be expected of her. I think she did accept this as she and my Dad had been arguing a lot, not surprising in the circumstances.
We were lucky in that care homes were, pre-COVID, accessible and the whole family were in agreement. Though my sister lives abroad, so although she visits as much as she can, is not hands-on.
I think it must be a lot harder to do this now, with everything else going on and a closer relationship. I, being younger daughter, was a little more able to stand back from the situation. Mummy settled well in her care home and had happy years there.
I hope you manage to continue to develop your plan, it is clear how much you care for each other.
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,979
0
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
I was able to talk to my Mum about the future. She didn't always agree that she needed care , which my Dad had been providing, but I was firm that we might need to think of a time when he could no longer do this. We arranged twice weekly "day care" at a local care home to introduce her and that was where she eventually lived permanently. I made it clear that I would always visit and reassured her that it would be a calm environment , where less would be expected of her. I think she did accept this as she and my Dad had been arguing a lot, not surprising in the circumstances.
We were lucky in that care homes were, pre-COVID, accessible and the whole family were in agreement. Though my sister lives abroad, so although she visits as much as she can, is not hands-on.
I think it must be a lot harder to do this now, with everything else going on and a closer relationship. I, being younger daughter, was a little more able to stand back from the situation. Mummy settled well in her care home and had happy years there.
I hope you manage to continue to develop your plan, it is clear how much you care for each other.
At present Pauline is a while away from carehome but I am nearing the time to have outside care to help me as caregiver and although she says she understands it I dont imagine a smooth ride when the time comes but I think that just the company other than me she would have from chats with them would be good for. I have very little support from her sons which doesn’t help making plans even though I have POA’s
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,979
0
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
My dad had the occasional moment of clarity as to his and my positions, he once said to me 'i would starve if it wasn't for you' and it was true. I think you are being very sensible @Agzy and it is good that Pauline recognises that she needs help.
It is a much appreciated when she acknowledges my role and it gives me a little lift usually but this was just so sensible it surprised me. I have typed up first draft of a statement to discuss with her.
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,979
0
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
I was able to talk to my Mum about the future. She didn't always agree that she needed care , which my Dad had been providing, but I was firm that we might need to think of a time when he could no longer do this. We arranged twice weekly "day care" at a local care home to introduce her and that was where she eventually lived permanently. I made it clear that I would always visit and reassured her that it would be a calm environment , where less would be expected of her. I think she did accept this as she and my Dad had been arguing a lot, not surprising in the circumstances.
We were lucky in that care homes were, pre-COVID, accessible and the whole family were in agreement. Though my sister lives abroad, so although she visits as much as she can, is not hands-on.
I think it must be a lot harder to do this now, with everything else going on and a closer relationship. I, being younger daughter, was a little more able to stand back from the situation. Mummy settled well in her care home and had happy years there.
I hope you manage to continue to develop your plan, it is clear how much you care for each other.
Thank you
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,979
0
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
My experience was that a clear plan relieved my stress over these matters. Illness forced me in 2015 to have clear plans and establish some paid services. You will feel better for having done this I am sure.
Just typing away at a draft plan this morning felt good, thank you
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
782
0
I think a plan is a great idea. Everyone's situation is different and you know what may work best for you. Mummy definitely benefitted from being in contact with other people and having a routine. I think it is both brave and sensible to draft a plan, though it isn't easy.
My father is now at the early stages of memory loss. He refuses to discuss any support or help (he refused to have carers visit for my mother, which is why we took the care home option). It is very frustrating as I am his only family in this country. All I can do is to try and support his wishes (though this may get tricky as they become needs) and discuss with my sister, who lives abroad, what we might do in an emergency.
Other than that, as we all know, you deal with things day by day. I do think though, that this planning is important as it represents your needs, as well as hers. Something often forgotten when it comes to caring, in my view.....
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,979
0
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
I think a plan is a great idea. Everyone's situation is different and you know what may work best for you. Mummy definitely benefitted from being in contact with other people and having a routine. I think it is both brave and sensible to draft a plan, though it isn't easy.
My father is now at the early stages of memory loss. He refuses to discuss any support or help (he refused to have carers visit for my mother, which is why we took the care home option). It is very frustrating as I am his only family in this country. All I can do is to try and support his wishes (though this may get tricky as they become needs) and discuss with my sister, who lives abroad, what we might do in an emergency.
Other than that, as we all know, you deal with things day by day. I do think though, that this planning is important as it represents your needs, as well as hers. Something often forgotten when it comes to caring, in my view.....
Thank you