What else can I do?

[Baggy]

Hi
Found this web-site when I should be studying! I've read lots of the messages and found them really positive, helpful and really moving.

My B/friends mum (L) has dementia and went into residential care a year ago, usual reasons, wandering and getting lost, not washing or eating properly, leaving taps on, not taking tablets or taking to many etc. etc.

The biggest problem is ours not L's, she seems happy and content most of the time.

Returning from a trip out is the worst, which is when the manipulative behaviour and then verbal abuse starts and she is often distressed as you leave. The home are clear that this only last about 10mins, until they distract her. The home feels that the trips are good for her and that she does enjoy them. The last 10mins of a visit (and she seems to know when we are leaving) can be the same.

My question? How can I help my B/friend and his siblings with the guilt they feel at returning her to the home? The usual platitudes don't work and guess what the bottom of a bottle seems to give 2 of them comfort, although this is beginning to worry me.

Any advice, words of support would be much appreciated.

 

[Amy]

Hiya Baggy and welcome to TP - what can you say to help?
Have they considered the alternatives to L being in care? Wandering, loneliness, malnutrition, and worse? That 10 minutes of verbal abuse and upset is far better than those alternatives.

Would any of them be willing to care for their mum 24/7? If the answer is 'No', then they just have to get on and live with that decision.
Sorry, that sounds hard, and I am not being judgemental. My mum is in a Nursing Home; I could have given up working full time and helped dad care, but I haven't. My parents wouldn't have wanted it, and I just could not make the decision to do so - so I must live with that decision, and do my best to support my parents in the situation we are now all in.

Try and get them to take heed of what the Care Home are saying - mum is happy in her new home, she loves their visits and trips out - you are all making the best of a sad situation, so no self recrimination.
Best wishes,
Helen

 

[rummy]

Hi Baggy,
In addition to everything Helen just said. Tell them that guilt is part of this illness and what they are feeling is perfectly normal. Also stress that no matter what the situation, living with them vs living in a home.......there would be guilt. You just can't throw enough at AD and being human as we all are, it causes guilt. They deserve a life and if their Mom is well taken care of they can be at peace.
Debbie

 

[Libby]

Hi Baggy

My mum is also in a home and I have always felt it was the best thing to do. If someone had come to the door whe souldn't have known who they were and she could have let anyone in. She would probably have got lost and would not have been able to cook for herself.

At least in a home, there are people looking out for her and she can wander around with no fear. (Not that she leaves her room much and when she goes to the restaurant for lunch, she can often get lost walking the few doors back to her room!)

They'be got to think of the alternatives, and I'm sure they'll come to terms with the fact that she can't be anywhere else.

Libs

 

[DickG]

Hi Baggy

Abandon guilt all ye who enter the world of AD. If your friends are capable of looking at the situation logically they will realise that the status quo is the best solution. Unfortunately it is difficult to apply logic when you are emotionally involved so be supportive of your B/Friend tread carefully for he/she may be emotionally fragile.

Hugs

Dick

 

[Baggy]

Thank you to all those that have posted replies, at least I know the support I'm giving is about as right as it can be for the relative of someone who is suffering with AD.

I think the biggest problem is the hurt that goes with the verbal abuse, you are all probably aware of the 'you wouldn't leave a dog here' scenerio, when they are giving the best care they can in the circumstances.

Thanks once again, and I will keep reading these pages and learning from very caring and friendly people.

Baggy