What do you tell a person with Dementia that they are moving into a care home?

[Jen48]

My dad has had Dementia for over 3 years and my mum came to a decision today that she really needs a break she is nearly 88 and she has been wonderful over the last 3 years looking after my dad, but now personal care has become an issue and it is just too much for my mum. My mum's main concern is what she should tell my dad about where he is going and why (ie into a care home for a week, but it could turn out to be long term). If anyone has any advice on what to say please let me know. He is very confused most of the time and tends to go with the flow but really not sure how this will effect him. Someone from the care home is going to come and do an assessment next week and then he will go in shortly after that. Mum has asked for me to be there when she tells him, should this be just before he goes or a few days before he goes?. It is so difficult, obviously there are feelings of sadness, guilt etc but we all feel this is the best thing for my dad. Anyway any advice would be very much appreciated.

Many Thanks
Jen48

 

[Kevinl]

Be creative (by which I mean lie) the house needs to be empty for a week while; the drains get fixed, the water is cut off, anything that seem plausible, your mum is staying with you but there's not enough room for him so you've found a nice hotel, lovely staff, all his meals paid for and plenty of company... then see what happens when he gets in there. Nobody likes to lie, we're conditioned no to but sometimes you just have to sacrifice your principles for the bigger cause of getting your mum a break.
K

 

[Jen48]

Be creative (by which I mean lie) the house needs to be empty for a week while; the drains get fixed, the water is cut off, anything that seem plausible, your mum is staying with you but there's not enough room for him so you've found a nice hotel, lovely staff, all his meals paid for and plenty of company... then see what happens when he gets in there. Nobody likes to lie, we're conditioned no to but sometimes you just have to sacrifice your principles for the bigger cause of getting your mum a break.
K

Thanks Kevinl, I agree sometimes you do need to lie, just not sure my mum will do this, but it's worth suggesting it. Thanks again J

 

[jaymor]

Your Mum will be telling him the truth regarding the important information she is giving him, he is going away for a week. It is kinder not to give him the real reason, he may think he is causing your Mother problems because of caring for him so much kinder to give a reason that has nothing to do with him.

As for turning into long term, non of us know what will happen tomorrow, next week or next year so if it does turn into full time care it has happened sooner than later.

I was 20 years younger than your Mum when my husband had to go into nursing care after 7 years at home and I was worn out and not well. Another 6 months and I would have been in care. I have so much respect for anyone in their 80's dealing with this disease.

Good luck, I hope it goes smoothly.

 

[daisydi]

My mum went in for respite and within a couple of days her heating and boiler broke down so that was a good reason for her not to come home. Just kept telling her it was all still broken and she couldn't come back. She has now been in permanent care for about 3 months. She has never asked to come home and even though it was so difficult for me to come to terms with it all it is definitely the best place for her and she feels safe and content with people around her all the time.