What do you miss the most

[Fifums]

Missing the strong Dad I had.
At times he will cry if I don't agree with what he wants!

Hi I'm new here and trying to cope with my 86 yr Dad who is no longer my Dad.
We lost my brother last year (younger, due to cancer) which knocked us, specially Dad.
He now is relying totally on me argghh!


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[jan.s]

I am wondering whether it would be better to get a professional to do this as some are not in great condition.

I found some old cine films that my dad had taken and have had that put on to CD professionally. It's good un to watch. Like you Saffie, I threw away many films of scenery that meant nothing to me!.

Good luck. X

 

[Optomistic]

I miss having somebody to make decisions now its up to me. Also lost the confident man i married who never worried about things.

 

[gringo]

This thread has robbed me of sleep. I find it very difficult to give expression to my concerns, without possibly giving offence and I have no wish to do that. I’m afraid my thoughts are very muddled and somewhat incoherent. If I offend, I apologise.
The thread is all about what we, as carers, have lost and miss; and there is my worry. Yes I mourn the loss of a much loved life companion, but what of her? She has lost more, she has little dignity now, or anything else worthwhile. I am not sure what she feels about her situation because she is unable to communicate clearly. She lives in a world that is her own and which I cannot enter. It seems to me she is being eroded away from the inside, and will eventually become an empty shell. Effectively she is losing everything. I have difficulty in recognising now the person who once was my alter ego. But how can I talk about what I miss? She is having her very self taken from her, bit by bit. Sometimes, I believe, she doesn’t even know I’m by her side, wanting to help.
This wretched disease makes any kind of meaningful dialogue impossible. It’s a heartbreak at any time of day or night. Of course I miss her desperately, but I do know that however great my loss, her’s is the greater. But she cannot tell me about it.

 

[Grannie G]

Of course I miss her desperately, but I do know that however great my loss, her’s is the greater. But she cannot tell me about it.

So true and so heartbreaking.

 

[bemused1]

I think Gringo that this thread was not intended to be about the people we care about but about those of us who have lost our life partners to this disease.It can only be that way.
It isn't in any way a selfish exercise but in its way an acknowledgement of all that has happened to them.If only we could start a thread where we could hear the other side of the story, what a gift that would be.

 

[Grey Lad]

Seeing my wife rather than the condition.

Hi Lyn T

Didn't know I had we had a double in Bournemouth and we nearly moved down your way in 2000 but couldn't afford it. I am lucky at the moment Maureen is still there but this other woman frequently pops out. On good days, hours or minutes I think she is back then the 'other one' surfaces who is certainly not my beautiful wife. I am lucky as there is still time to tell her how much she has brought into my life.

Grey Lad

 

[Saffie]

Gringo I don't think anyone is underestimating the pain and loss suffered by those we love who are suffering from this wretched disease. I have cried and still do cry over what my husband suffered over the last years of his life.
However, the original post asked what members of TP missed most and that's what the responses reflect.

I feel that perhaps I shouldn't have posted here because I am in different situation since I have now lost my husband completely. It is different, even though I had already lost so much of him before. Perhaps this is because memories are not clouded by difficulties and worries over his health and well being and coping with officialdom. Instead there are regrets over things that could probably have been managed better.

However, this isn't about me, it's about everyone who is missing the person they love for whatever reason, be it spiritual, shared memories, companionship, practical or the little things that can't be described, they just matter. They are suffering too, just as I know you are, Gringo and it doesn't take away from their love and sympathy for those who are existing in the dark land of dementia.
Love and understanding to everyone x.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Thank you Saffie, you are so wise.

 

[thebes]

This thread has encouraged me to be more active in making some more happy memories while we can. Yes there are countless things I miss -and rage and cry about. BUT I am to a degree lucky that there are days still when things are rather better. Yesterday, being a beautiful sunny warm day, in the afternoon we headed to the golf course and very slowly did 9 holes of the excellent putting green. The course is surrounded by magnificent old woodland and fantastic views..
The staff were very pleased to see us and very caring with my OH - tolerant of his rambling chat and tendency to pocket things that are not paid for. He is allowed to take his walking frame onto the putting green, as he is very frail and wobbly. He has difficulty now working out the order of numbers so needed guidance but he can still hit a good stroke and beat me .
He had a great time. I have a lovely memory to store away

 

[Mme Blonde]

What do you miss the most from pre- dementia days?

I miss the discussions we used to have which sometimes carried on til the early hours Politics/sport/literature/music/ourselves-we could talk for England

Scrabble-very competitive

Meals out-mmm lovely

Days out

Holidays-we used to be frequent travelers

Music and concerts

Our easy, close relationship-I'm beginning to forget what it was once like

Take care

Lyn T

This weekend I will miss birthday celebrations. We both have birthdays this weekend but I'm the only one who will realise. My OH won't be making a fuss of me this year.

 

[astra]

I miss having a sensible conversation, Allen always says "I was only joking" if anyone dare contradict him, he turns everything into a joke and thinks everyone should find it funny as well, even when it isn't he gets annoyed when people don't laugh,

Just read your report''...my oh always says that if I confront her her about something she said I don't feel so bad now that it is obviously something that is said in this awful condition. As you can see it is middle of night and after a period of not so bad I have a feeling things are getting worse again and I don't want to go through that period again but it looks like I will have to.

 

[MrsTerryN]

The adult.
For example last night mum rang me in tears cause her knee was hurting. So I went over changed her into her nightie put cream on her knee and put her to bed.
Yes she is in a nursing home but she just wanted me last night.

 

[dunlin]

I miss just being the daughter sometimes

Dad could solve any problem or dilemma, and mum could always make a lovely home cooked tea out of nothing

 

[Ann Mac]

Down time, if I am honest, at the moment - I have to be out of the house to get any sort of break, because even if Mil is in day care, it seems that there are endless forms, appointments, paperwork and phone calls to deal with. If she is home, then forget reading, watching TV, talking on the phone to a friend, or any sort of private conversation - or even just casual conversation - with anyone else in the house. On constant alert for the next demand or the sundowning or cry for help. Even plans that take me away from home, be it for work or a bit of socialising are subject to change at the very last second, and mostly, if I do have to be out, the planning involved and the arrangements that have to be made wear me out before I get through the door.

And I miss the laughs that Mil and I used to have

 

[WIFE]

The adult.
For example last night mum rang me in tears cause her knee was hurting. So I went over changed her into her nightie put cream on her knee and put her to bed.
Yes she is in a nursing home but she just wanted me last night.

Oh how I remember my dear Mother, MrsTerryN. She would ring me at all times of the day or night just to say she had run out of toothpaste or some such thing or she didn't feel quite right - she was in Residential Care - "but the "girls" were so busy" - could I pop over to sort it out - I lived 45 minutes away.

 

[MrsTerryN]

Thanks WIFE. happened again tonight. Though she has decided she has a couple of people she could marry and this would solve all the problems.
I put her to bed again.

 

[Debbie Reads]

I'm some years older than my siblings. I miss the shared memories of my early life that only Mum knew about. Dad died 29 years ago, so she was the only one I could talk to about those vast Norfolk skies and long sandy beaches, arriving in Australia and knowing no-one, how Dad used to hold me in his arms and sing 'My Little Girl' from Carousel.....

 

[Scarlett123]

When I first read some of the posts on this thread, I wished, with all my heart, that those spouses who aren't as far down the line as I am, would grab every opportunity of enjoyment with their loved one.

The highlight of the coming week, is a visit to the psychiatric geriatrician, to see if the medication prescribed for John, has dampened his ardour, and I'm pleased to say it's had about an 80% success rate.

The staff are very vigilant, and are aware of the "first and second gear" signs, as they put it, which enables them to distract John before he zooms into fifth gear with his paramour - who is now 90!

Last time we went, I took John to a garden centre for a coffee, but, selfishly, after the problems we had on our last visit, I shan't do that again. I truly believe, at the stage he is at now, of this hated disease, that he doesn't know what he's missed. Today, to begin with, he knew both my name, and that I was his wife.

I chatted about the weather, the fact that Strictly and X Factor had both started, and that I had cut a lot of shrubs down, including the kerria, and he immediately said "bachelors' buttons".

I returned his coffee cup to the counter - about 10 feet away - and by the time I returned, he asked who I was, and what was I doing there. I repeated the same conversation, but this time, I was met with blank looks.

I don't miss things from the past few years, which have been hard, but I do miss the comfortable companionship we enjoyed before the new millennium.

 

[truth24]

I think Scarlett that John and Fred must be at about the same stage although with some differences. That is what we miss most - our husbands.

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