What do you miss the most

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,513
0
Near Southampton
The shared memories.
Now there is nobody alive to know the story behind a bought memento or the background to an old photograph.
I have hundreds of colour slides of our time spent living abroad which I need to transfer to the computer.
I've been wondering whether it is now worth doing as there is nobody left to share the memories with me.
I will probably discard most of them.
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,958
0
Brixham Devon
Oh Saffie

Think twice before you discard them. They show the life you shared together and I'm sure your Daughters and Grandchildren will enjoy them-kids love to laugh at the 'olden days';) They are probably too painful to look at them at the moment-but maybe, just maybe, you will be able to look at the happy memories without feeling so much sadness in the future.

A friend of mine came round to help me sort out some clothes for Age UK this week. Some of mine and loads of Pete. I felt as though I had already accepted that he had passed. I kept a couple of Pete's jumpers and an old dressing gown and sprayed them with his aftershave. I've taken them to bed with me. They smell of Pete-it's a little comfort. My security blanket. They help me sleep.

Perhaps one day your photos will be a little bit of security for you. The photo's show your REAL life with Dave-the life that mattered.

Love from

Lyn T
 

LAP

Registered User
Nov 23, 2010
109
0
Tyne & Wear
What do you miss the most from pre- dementia days?

I miss the discussions we used to have which sometimes carried on til the early hours:) Politics/sport/literature/music/ourselves-we could talk for England:D

Scrabble-very competitive;)

Meals out-mmm lovely

Days out

Holidays-we used to be frequent travelers

Music and concerts

Our easy, close relationship-I'm beginning to forget what it was once like

Take care

Lyn T
Hi. What do I miss most. The driver that he was, always knowing where he was and how to get to a different place. The technical side of him. He could fix anything. Now I have to do everything myself. Thanks goodness I "laboured" to him for 46 years.

Having to plan everything without any help. I have now got used to this but it would be nice to have some sort of input.

We still go on holidays but I constantly worry as to "where he could be" if we got separated. Going to Turkey on Tuesday and this is decision time. Will he manage to remember the hotel, the area, the nice people etc.
Will this be our last holiday together, I certainly hope not
Going to the theatre and John understanding and enjoying the play. The discussions afterwards.
Cheers.
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,513
0
Near Southampton
I kept a couple of Pete's jumpers and an old dressing gown and sprayed them with his aftershave. I've taken them to bed with me. They smell of Pete-it's a little comfort. My security blanket. They help me sleep.

I have kept Dave's dressing gown too, Lyn, and a couple of jumpers which I shall wear when it is cold. I have already worn the dressing gown which is of a lovely soft material and bought when he went into hospital. Not my size nor my colour, but who cares! I also still have some clothes in the wardrobe but all that he wore in the home has been given to charity.

The slides will be difficult to sort through. There were hundreds as we sent them home to our parents but I have already carried out the first cull some time ago and will throw out more of scenery etc too. It makes me so sad to have to look at them though.
It was so long ago, another time, another life. xxx
 

jan.s

Registered User
Sep 20, 2011
7,353
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72
I miss the kind gentle man with the intelligence, wit and humour.
I miss having someone to talk to and share decisions.
I miss the love, the cuddles and the reassurances.
I miss waking up with him next to me or better still when he made me coffee in bed.

I could carry on forever, but must accept my lot, including having to cut the grass myself!!

I must be thankful for so many happy memories. Xx
 

hollycat

Registered User
Nov 20, 2011
1,349
0
Habits. Being taken for granted. Normality.

Life plodded on habitually, with the whole family being taken for granted i.e. Invincible, nothing will effect is ! All this was quite simply normal.

Normal........what is normal ?
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,958
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Brixham Devon
The slides will be difficult to sort through. There were hundreds as we sent them home to our parents but I have already carried out the first cull some time ago and will throw out more of scenery etc too. It makes me so sad to have to look at them though.
It was so long ago, another time, another life. xxx

My bolding

I understand Saffie-but it was YOURS and DAVE's life. Dementia took the latter part of it but the vast majority of your time together was what we all want. A loving, kind and long lasting relationship. I hope I'm not speaking out of turn by saying take your time before you make any decisions.

Love, as always

Lyn T XX
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,513
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Near Southampton
Lyn, you could never speak out of turn.
Yes, I do realise that we were fortunate to have as long a marriage as we did.
I feel so very sad for those who lose their husbands when so very young and my heart goes out to them.
I am grateful, believe me. xxx
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,958
0
Brixham Devon
Lyn, you could never speak out of turn.
Yes, I do realise that we were fortunate to have as long a marriage as we did.
I feel so very sad for those who lose their husbands when so very young and my heart goes out to them.
I am grateful, believe me. xxx

Thank you Saffie-I thought I was being bossy.;)

Some people have long marriages which are not a match made in Heaven. Some people have less time together but pack a lot into their lives. I have been with Pete for 22 years (married for 12-we didn't rush into anything):D

Pete has been ill for 8 1/2 years-not all of those years were 'difficult'-we still managed to have very good times. The first 14 years were absolutely brilliant; earning good money, loads of trips abroad, great social life. Memories were made-it's tragic that only I can remember those memories.

I used to wake up everyday and think how lucky I was-no problems. Life was going to carry on like that forever. A little while ago a friend said to me (she was trying to be a comfort) 'you're young, you will find someone else'. She didn't understand that I don't want to 'find' anyone else. Pete set the bar too high when he was well-no one else could possibly follow his high standards, and why settle for what would be second best.

So, Saffie don't feel sorry for me because my marriage wasn't particularly long, or that I'm relatively young. I feel lucky that I had those times with Pete-so many people do not have that chance of personal happiness.


Love as always

Lyn T
 

gringo

Registered User
Feb 1, 2012
1,188
0
UK.
There is too much loss to mention.
Me too. Just life itself.

I just miss having a mam, a proper mam. I wonder if she misses me?
What a perceptive comment CG. Inevitably most of the comments on TP. are about how, we, the carers, are affected. But I wish I could know what my wife's world is really like. I can only hope that it's not as frightening a place as I feel it probably often is.
 

Dill

Registered User
Feb 26, 2011
355
0
England
Hi
Saffie's comment about photographic slides has rung a chord.
When Dad died we brought home loads of stuff to sort out including several boxes of slides. To me they are like gold-dust, so many unseen photos of Dad in his younger days.
Hubbie has been looking and transferring them onto the computer and for my Christmas got me one of the slides as a large print, framed and now hanging in pride of place in our living room. It shows Dad as a young man sitting on a boat rail, on his way out to the far east during the last war.
Haven't finished sorting yet, it will be a job for the winter, but I'm so glad we found them.
Dill
 

meme

Registered User
Aug 29, 2011
1,953
0
London
I miss having someone who knows and loves me and is always there...I so miss my mother and the phone never rings now she has gone
 

Dazmum

Registered User
Jul 10, 2011
10,322
0
Horsham, West Sussex
Please keep and label your slides Saffie, as your daughters and grandchildren will love looking at them in years to come. I have video footage of my mum and dad when our son was small. I haven't been able to look at any of them since losing dad and I think when I eventually can, seeing mum as she was will affect me too.

I miss my mum knowing everything about me, that let us chat and gossip together constantly when we went out on one of our weekly shopping trips. We don't really have proper two- way conversations anymore.
 

WIFE

Registered User
May 23, 2014
856
0
WEST SUSSEX
I miss my husband looking at me and recognising me as his wife. I will certainly miss his help in the garden this Autumn and he always kept my car clean, tyre pressures up and oil checked - latterly with my help.
 

Soobee

Registered User
Aug 22, 2009
2,731
0
South
The shared memories.
Now there is nobody alive to know the story behind a bought memento or the background to an old photograph.
I have hundreds of colour slides of our time spent living abroad which I need to transfer to the computer.
I've been wondering whether it is now worth doing as there is nobody left to share the memories with me.
I will probably discard most of them.

Oh Saffie, please keep them and show them to your daughters. Tell them about your memories. I loved my dad's slide shows, he only took a couple of years worth of slides but they are great. Lots of photos of flowers, Kew Gardens, as well as family snaps. The only thing was that he sold his cine camera to get the slide projector and he gave away all the cine film he'd made! I wish I had seen footage of him as a young man.


What do I miss? I miss playing board games at my parents house most of all - I miss telling them what's going on, especially the silly little things that would have made them laugh, like my husband not being able to find our passports last week when we were on the way to Europe, haha, (not hilarious at the time but is now) and missing a train as a result - I miss mum popping around and complaining about the mess, or bumping into dad at the shops - I miss dad's gentle teasing and I specifically miss mum between 2010-2012. Although mum had dementia then, she was so much nicer than ever before.
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,513
0
Near Southampton
Jennie and Sue - I am keeping some slides and especially those with people in them. It's just that so many are of places and times that mean only something to Dave and myself.
I mean, these were of Aden and Kenya and how many variations are there with scenery of sand to those who aren't familiar with the place!

Regarding Kenya, where we hired a car and toured around for a fortnight in 1964 and took loads of photos of the wild animals, I have already discarded a lot of them as they are now nothing special with all the wonderful TV programmes and the safari parks etc.

I did print some Aden ones for Dave's Memory book but I have many more to put on to the computer. I would then put them on to DVDs. I am wondering whether it would be better to get a professional to do this as some are not in great condition.
Either way it's going to be a long and laborious task. Tear inducing too.

Lyn, I would never presume to feel sorry for you. I know you've had a wonderful relationship with Pete but I do feel sad for anyone who is so young. However, as you say, it is the quality of the years spent together which matters rather than the quantity and you have so obviously experienced that in spades. love and understanding.xxx
 
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Dazmum

Registered User
Jul 10, 2011
10,322
0
Horsham, West Sussex
That's fair enough Saffie! I was looking through loads of mum and dad's photos a while back, very small black and white ones of scenery, who knows where it was, and also crowds of people by various coaches. It must have been a thing at the time to take big group photos. No point in me keeping them!
 

benjie

Registered User
Apr 14, 2009
347
0
north staffs
Saffie, Lyn T and all those who have lost someone dear

Missing HIM - all the things he was so good at - his sheer determination in adversity - despite all his problems and still dealing with it all - better than me. He was always my teacher, mentor, best buddy as well as hubby. He was the best part of my life and I will cling to it all. Am going to Bournemouth next week as my dear friends there are having problems - her hubby is now in a home with dementia. But it now appears to be the wrong one. Thanks to hubby he taught me how to look beyond it all so I will do all I can to help though it may be a bit close to home - that's what friends are for.

Love to you all
Mo
xxxx

PS keep posting, as I've found, there's always someone here for you