1. lucasd

    lucasd Registered User

    Jul 1, 2008
    My Nan has been diagnosed with dementia and we have taken the necessary care etc for her, She is due to start her course of medication tomorrow and we have a carer going in daily building up a relationship with her etc.
    However, what is tearing our hearts out is her hatred towards my Grandfather. They still love together etc but she hates him and wishes him dead daily. He is not a well man either and has lost all his confidence following a small spell in hospital.
    I write this as non us know what to do when her hatred comes out. This evening she was screaming from the front door that he was going to beat her up and that she wanted this man out of her house. Thankfully, the neighbour was out and she took my Nan into the house and calmed her down and notified us etc.
    My Grandad is no way hurting her and never has, but what do we do in this situation. It is always at night and she oftens just goes out for a walk?
    Please help...
  2. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    Dear lucasd,
    Welcome to Talking Point.
    Firstly, the medication your Nan will be taking do you know what it will be.
    Secondly, is the Doctor aware of your Nan's behaviour to your Grandad?
    If in doubt with anything get back to the Doctor because it is so unfair on your Grandfather.
    Others will come on line and offer advice.
    Best wishes
  3. Chrissyan

    Chrissyan Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    N E England
    lucasd this is far,far too much for your Grandfather. They need a lot of support, even if you have to fight the GP, Social Services & your Grandparents themselves. Do your very best to get help. Start by writing to your Grandmothers GP and putting him in the picture. There will be plenty of Talking Point members who will advise & support you through things.:)
  4. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Hello Lucas

    I'm so sorry to learn of the distressing situation with your Nan and Grandad.

    This may be a silly suggestion, as I don't know if you or other family members live close by your grandparents home, but might it be possible for someone regularly to call round in the evenings to take your Nan out for a walk or some other suitable diversion, to take the heat off Grandad at the worst time of day?

    What you have described sounds like 'Sundowning', when a dementia sufferer has a regular daily occurrence of distress or behaving in ways which are out of their normal character. You may see references to it in other threads on Talking Point.

    Is Nan's GP aware of this aspect of her illness? Medications for dementia are not all the same, and one prescribed to support her memory loss (like Aricept) will not have any effect on her Sundowning, I wish it would.

    Best wishes
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
  6. SusanH

    SusanH Registered User

    Oct 25, 2006
    Hi lucasd,

    I'm sorry to hear of the situation regarding your grandparents. It sounds very similar to the situation my parents are in, with my Mum apparently hating my Dad and being very verbally abusive to him (and physically violent on a couple of occasions). We don't know what triggers these bouts and they seem so unfair as Dad's whole life now is looking after his wife.

    I can only reiterate what the others have said about getting support and maybe some respite for you grandfather. My Dad has been in hospital for the last week and yesterday we took Mum into respite care. We will need to have quite a talk about how they will cope from now on.

    Interesting, in a more lucid moment last week, I was talking to my mum about househusbands and she told me that Colin (my Dad) was very handy around the house. She went on to say "He knows when I get my silly bits that I don't mean it, but I just can't stop it". I was quite staggered and moved by this insight. Your grandma may well feel the same way, so it is important that your grandfather doesn't take the abuse personally - hard, I know, I have been on the receiving end of some from my Mum and it's hard to take. It's the illness, not the person that makes her behave like this, but you probably are well aware of that already.

    Hope you get some support for them.

  7. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire
    I have nothing to advise, sorry, except when my mum was still at home (until last August), she had started to say my dad was a waste of time. Now my dad was a man who mended things before they were broken, also he was capable of decorating a room in a day cos he knew my mum didn't like upheaval. If he had still been alive I don't know how I would have coped with her opinion, I'd possibly have spat at her!

    Hope you cope.



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