What do you do when everything stops?

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Perdita, Jul 5, 2015.

  1. Perdita

    Perdita Registered User

    Jun 22, 2009
    Suffolk, Uk
    My dear mum died in early May after almost ten years living with this terrible disease.

    I miss her so much but I know deep down that she was in torment and her death was a blessed release.

    But what do I do now? After years of being responsible for my mum's well being and affairs, I'm finding life without her very hard and feeling redundant.

    Does anyone else feel this way and how have you coped with it?
  2. MollyMae23

    MollyMae23 Registered User

    Jan 7, 2012

    I know exactly how you feel. Mum passed in March this year and since then I have been totally lost. I had already gone through the transition of being a 24/7 carer in July last year when mum had to go into hospital and then a care home but visiting still took up much of my time and concentration. When she died I was numb but as always the funeral arrangements gave me something to concentrate on. Since then I have found it so hard moving back into the 'real' world and have often used the same term as you, I feel redundant.

    I found talking to a bereavement counsellor helpful, not to talk about the unfairness of dementia, I don't think anyone understands that unless they experience a loved one suffering, but it did help me find mum again and recover happy memories. It also gives me strength to accept that both long term caring and bereavement have a significant impact on our own sense of identity and purpose. I am beginning to pick up the pieces but to do that I have found I have to be brave and non judgemental of how other people react to my situation.

    I am going to talk to a careers advisor at the local job centre on Wednesday which I think might be helpful. I want to use the experience of caring for mum as a positive aspect of my life. During that period I surprised myself how resourceful I was and my patience not something I was very good at previously. I have volunteered for the Alzheimer's Society and enrolled on the PROTECT project and currently as working as a caregiver whilst I sort out the rest of my life because I promised mum I would make her proud of me and I think recovering from watching her being slowly taken from me other a period of five years will be the most challenging thing I have ver done but it gives me back what I lost when mum died, purpose.

    As you can see I don't have the answers but I hope that the above lets you know you are not alone.
  3. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    First of all I'm sorry to read about your Mum's passing-a difficult time for you I know. My OH passed away last December so I know how hard times can be.

    I know it's a cliche but time does help a little in as much as I am now beginning to remember the good times. However, to use another cliche that is a double edged sword. When I remember the good times I feel quite bitter and think 'why Pete'?. The truth of the matter is 'why not Pete'?. This terrible disease can affect everyone-even those who use their brain and lead a healthy life as my Husband did.

    I find keeping busy does help a bit-I'm lucky (!) in a way as I'm moving house/area so I've had to pack/clear things out. I also have my dogs to walk-even in my darkest days I wouldn't expect them to forgo their exercise:D I think what I'm saying is to fill your days as much as possible and try not to ruminate too much.

    You did well by your Mum-remember that. Be proud of yourself.

    No real answers I'm afraid-just remember there are plenty of Carers on this Forum who have experienced what you are going through, so there will always be someone online who can relate to your feelings.

    Take much care of yourself


    Lyn T XX

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