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What do we donow?


Registered User
May 19, 2015
Mum has vascular dementia. She lives alone, but can cope with most things around the house, but often forgets her medicines (she's diabetic and has pills for high blood pressure). Relatively recently, she seems to have got worse as far as finding vocabulary is concerned and no longer instigates conversations. She gets very tired and is eating and drinking little. She can catch two buses to get to her hairdresser's all by herself, but has been known to get lost in the village where she has lived for nearly 60 years. She's much better when she's been socialising, but is reluctant to go to any of the activity and lunch clubs in the area - and would need somebody to take her to unfamiliar places because I live 200 miles away and my brother, who lives closer, is out of his house at 6.30am and doesn't get home until after 7.00 pm. Thereafter, his family (naturally) expects him to spend some time with them before bed!

We had an assessment from social services yesterday and were given lots of places to go for help, although Mum will need to be self- funding. Our attitude is that this is what our parents saved all their lives for - Mum is still not wanting to spend her hard-earned cash. (She's 85, so I'm not sure what she's saving for now!) The problem is that she wants to carry on as she always has, and we don't know where to go next or what to do. I can't help thinking that the best thing to do would be to find a care home in the area where she would be among company, but she point blank refuses to consider that as an option.

Others must have been in this position and I'd just like to know how you started changing the situation and what you chose to do.


Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
A very difficult situation as most people with dementia need support.
I think I might have an honest chat with her and say that the GP says she must go to a lunch club/day centre and so there really is no choice.

If she can get two buses to see a friend on a good day then she is doing well and she may have a long time of independent living with support left - my mum had another 3 years after she had to stop taking buses - and it would be a shame as she is living a good life in a village she knows and loves to need a care home at this stage - invariably a disruption of this sort causes a decline so my advice would be to avoid it as long as is safe and reasonable to do so.

Is there any extra care housing in her area for the longer term - some of the villages here have flexi care or extra care housing where a care team is on site.

Are there any Admiral Nurses in her area - lots of people think they are a very good resource and source of support

For the moment though if you can get her to go to the lunch clubs and local facilities that may keep her stable for a while. Does she have any friends who access the local lunch club who could go along with her ?


Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
I had to use the poa we put in place and basically lie and say the services were free. She would have furious had she known but it was what she needed. This kept mum at home another 18 months.


Registered User
Apr 8, 2013
We did the same with MIL. She loved the Government and thought they were kind to old people. With the chiropodist we had evening at her home visits which did cost a fortune but were less stressful than taking her to a (free) clinic at a time during the working day.

She always said no initially to having her toe nails cut but we always explained that it was free for those over 80 but that if you refused to let the chiropodist look they would never let you have that service again.... This always worked.


Registered User
Nov 16, 2015
Would mum be ok living in sheltered accommodation ?
Social worker should be able to guide you on day centres and possibly home visits from care agency.
My mum has had cognitive impairment for just over 10 years, diagnosed with dementia 2009. She has lived with me since 2009 because my sister was financially abusing her, sw came to my home to interview mum and she has stayed ever since ! My husband died of cancer in 2012 so been working part time for awhile. My daughter now wants to become a nurse and she cares/ supports mum when im at work.
Funny how things turn out, never planned it at all.
BEing able to lie convincingly is a must , mum still catches me out telling me i sound retarded or simple lol
Sincerely hope things work out for you xxxx