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What do we do next?


Registered User
Mar 4, 2015
So after at least a year of concern, things got much worse.

I posted i while back about memory concerns, well try as we might, no luck in getting any doctor to see my mum she is very proud and adamant that she is fine. On Tuesday night she failed to recognise my Dad and was very distressed about a stranger in the house, as a result after speaking to one of my siblings (who she asked this stranger to help her dial the number for), she rang the police. My dad was fine but obviously distraught, through all of this he has been her rock, but he must feel totally helpless now.

So we tried to see it as only positive and that hopefully things would happen after a diagnosis for her. She is not coping well in hospital, she initially refused a CT scan and has been telling lots of the nurses to shove things up their bottoms (but not so politely), and begging us all when we see her to take her home. She thinks that she is in tesco and has told all the tesco staff that she is never coming here again.

What can we do? we are currently going to visit more than we can sustain, and as a result of what is happening have last weekend moved to be closer to help. We are visiting the hospital, but it is very upsetting for her and us as she believes that constantly this is the time she goes home, we want to take her home but my dad simply cannot cope anymore, he had a heart attack 3 months ago and it is slowly killing him as he is comfort eating drinking and smoking.

After light sedation they have managed to do a CT scan but the results show nothing, so they have moved her to a psychiatric ward for tonight and are referring her for liaison meeting with the community mental health team. Is this enough? is there anything else that i can push for that will help her?

Also, what should we expect to happen next, we are all very concerned that if she comes home without a diagnosis she will never go anywhere near healthcare proffessionals again! We are trying to help but leaving when she is begging to go home is undoubtedly the most difficult thing that any of us has ever done. Are we doing the right thing?

With a diagnosis do things change, can we expect to see people rallying around to help, or should i be gearing myself and my family up to be as proactive as possible. Everyone can see now that help is clearly required, i just dont know what will happen next.


Registered User
Mar 4, 2015
Oh, and thanks!!

Sorry forgot to preemptively thank anyone for their advice

Thanks by the way!


Registered User
Aug 17, 2015
Hi, sorry to read about your mum. I really don't know what to say or what advice to offer. Currently trying to seek a diagnosis for my dad, but all new to me.

How is your mum now?


Registered User
Mar 28, 2015
Gosh what a dreadful situation for all of you.

I find this inability to diagnose her quite astonishing, I can only hope that the Community Mental Health Team will acknowledge that she cannot and must not be sent home without a diagnosis. Is there any way that a family member can be present for this meeting? They need to have it pushed home about the effect this is having on your Dad and his own health issues.

If you uses the terminology 'Vulnerable people who are At Risk' in writing they basically HAVE to do something.

Others here have MUCH more experience of this sort of thing than I do so I am sure that you will get more responses now this thread has moved back up to the top of the stream.

As to what happens afterwards, well much depends on finances, how much help your parents need to live day to day and how much help they will accept. At least with a diagnosis you can help them with practical stuff like applying for Attendance Allowance, Council Tax Reduction, getting a Care Package in place etc etc.

We were 'lucky' in that my Mum was diagnosed before her Vascular Dementia started to have too much of an impact on her and Dad so we were able to set things in place before this happened. Also my brother and I live ten minutes away which makes our being able to help them so much easier. Neither of us have children either. It sounds like you will need extra help from carers for your peace of mind, if your parents allow this. Others here are far more knowledgeable about care packages, we are managing without (for now).

Your Dad needs to receive some help for his condition too or he could have another stroke, heart attack or worse. He might even end up with a condition similar to your Mum's, as Vascular Dementia is caused by strokes killing off parts of the brain (and they don't come back :() so maybe his GP can refer him to a programme of some kind to get him back on track with diet and exercise etc.

When my Mum had her stroke my Dad was so overwhelmed with the changes in her, what it meant for their day-to-day living (she had to have a soft food diet which was totally different to everything they normally ate), and the whole mortality issue that he just retreated. My brother and I were reeling from what had happened to Mum and trying to adjust and didn't pay as much attention to what was happening to Dad as I wish we had, we just thought once things settled down he would be ok, but he'd stopped drinking fluids, stopped doing his mobility exercises and ended up in hospital with a really bad UTI, loss of mobility and extreme grief - he'd just given up. So do watch your Dad and get him to his GP if you can for advice.

And finally, look after YOURSELF! I was so stressed I thought I was having a stroke myself (turned out to be migraines!) and that made me realise that if I crash and burn then the whole thing will come down like a house of cards.


Registered User
Aug 15, 2015
Sorry to find you in this situation, but I know this has probably been tested for but does she have a urine infection or chest infection as these can make older people very delusional and confused. Maybe ask if she has been tested for a UTI as it doesn't always show up straight away.

Also insist on the fact that they are BOTH vulnerable and need keeping safe as your Dad is also declining with the stress of it all. Maybe insist on a meeting with social services and all other agencies to see what can be done for both of them individually, even if it means your mum goes in for a respite stay to give Dad a break for a few weeks.

Hope it gets sorted for you.


Registered User
Mar 4, 2015

Thanks all for your replies i will now be posting in the next stage/topic thingy of the list as we finally have a diagnosis, still dont emotionally know if this makes it any better, but logically i know at least now we are not dealing with this alone!

:confused:dont know how to feel!?


Registered User
Nov 22, 2015
I'm in same boat - what next??

64 yr old male, highly intelligent, with long term (yrs) of major depression with anxiety (primarily anger needing control). Have been on 40mg/day Paxil for years and 1mg/day Risperidone for years. Doctor tried to reduce Risperidone to 1/2mg day. After rapid episodes of increased anger went back straight way to 1mg/day. Sometime around the same period mid to late summer past I went to park my car and unbeknownst to me left car running and in gear and proceeded to exit...damage to car and property, and scared wife. Anger issues escalated (mind you they were mostly under control for years). Inappropriate explosive anger has been an issue as long as I can remember, since childhood...never under control until Risperidone. Looking back...began to resurface about 2 years ago. I think that is when a Psychiatrist upped my Paxil. Not sure. Anywho...I stated thinking about my maternal GM, who was always restless and ornery...who was diagnosed in her 80's with AZ and passed in her early 90's. So...I started thinking and looking online. Contacted AZ Association, who have been great and proactive. Had a scheduled appointment with Psychiatrist on Friday, Nov. 13th (yeah, weird right). Had had texting contact with him prior to appointment. Took wife with, just because it seemed right. She notices the increased anger. i do too, but notice several other signs of cognitive impairment, i.e. short term memory loss, poor decisions in regard to money (spending like I have no tomorrow), got a large tattoo recently (never had one), weird sleeping habits (up way early, 2am this morning), difficulty finding right words (prominent - both speaking and typing), trouble staying on task (simple tasks), trouble focusing, restless (anxious, maybe), blurred vision when first arising (?), argumentative, a little paranoid, etc. These are not me. The Dr. upped my Risperidone to 2mg/day which I started right away, on the 13th and replaced my 40mg/day Paxil with what will become 150mg/day in 2 weeks (started last night) of Venlafaxine. He said he wants to see if my symptoms are related to the depression...I'm somewhat leery as most of these symptoms were never a part of my depression before. He said V is to hopefully to help my memory and focus issues, while managing my depression, the only symptom I don't seem to exhibit, at this time. I find very little online to support his hypothesis, save manage the depression. I am seeing a Psych nurse in 6 weeks after start of V and see Dr. again in February. Here's the thing: 6 weeks seems like an eternity away and yesterday seems like the very, very distant past. i want to know what in the h*** is wrong with me so I can deal with it. Lastly, most importantly, I believe in the finished work of Christ on Calvary...I'm a Grace walker. (edited)
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