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what do I do?

TimT

Registered User
May 11, 2015
10
Mum sits there in a coat, saying she's waiting to go home. I tell her she is home, and she says "I know that". I ask her if she knows who I am and where she is, and she says yes and gets defensive, almost offended by the question. She seems utterly confused, and so am I. She goes to day care twice a week, so maybe she gets home and that place mixed up. Yet she seems to know where she is, even though she quite clearly doesn't.

It's all very well health-care professionals, people with years of training, telling us how we should behave and act around dementia, but it's easier said than done. She's not a patient; she's my mother. I'm her son; I'm not a clinician, or psychotherapist. Sometimes it's almost like I'm supposed to feel bad for the fact I yell and shout at her in shear frustration. Well sorry, but I'm only human. I've been lumbered with looking after someone with zero preparation or training. So if once in a while I absolutely lose my head, then so be it. I feel bad for just saying that, but that's how I feel.

PS: Please do not think for one moment that I would physically hurt her in any way. I love her to bits, and that's why this hurts so much.
 

patsy56

Registered User
Jan 14, 2015
839
Fife Scotland
Sometimes it's almost like I'm supposed to feel bad for the fact I yell and shout at her in shear frustration. Well sorry, but I'm only human. I've been lumbered with looking after someone with zero preparation or training. So if once in a while I absolutely lose my head, then so be it. I feel bad for just saying that, but that's how I feel.
Hello Tim and welcome to TP, yes we all have started with zero preparation or training, we just learn as we go. I have often fallen out with people who do not have a Scooby what it is all about.

As for killing mater, I might.................someday.
 

Tin

Registered User
May 18, 2014
4,825
UK
Has she got a bag packed as well. My mum used to do this every single day and I just could not cope with my mixed emotions about what I was witnessing. After a while I started to ignore it or run screaming into my garden shed!
 

Fred Flintstone

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
133
S. E. England
Mum sits there in a coat, saying she's waiting to go home. I tell her she is home, and she says "I know that". I ask her if she knows who I am and where she is, and she says yes and gets defensive, almost offended by the question. She seems utterly confused, and so am I. [...]
Welcome to the forum, Tim. I know just the feelings you're having, I think I really do.

NB: We blokes are in a minority here, so remember that we are no good at multi-tasking, empathy, PMT, talking about knitting patterns, having nurturing skills and so many other things - but you are not alone . . .


It's all very well health-care professionals, people with years of training, telling us how we should behave and act around dementia, but it's easier said than done. [...]
The most judgemental are those who've never had practical experience of a loved one's dementia. The very worst tend to be our siblings who have elected to remain uninvolved.

I'll look out for your future posts.

Best, Fred.
 

patsy56

Registered User
Jan 14, 2015
839
Fife Scotland
Has she got a bag packed as well. My mum used to do this every single day and I just could not cope with my mixed emotions about what I was witnessing. After a while I started to ignore it or run screaming into my garden shed!
no she doesn't because she expects us to move in with her. now a garden shed, I saw a wonderful picture today........" That is not a shed, that is my sanctuary"
 

Adcat

Registered User
Jun 15, 2014
287
London
Hi TimT,

I'm totally with you.

I have learned to use the word tomorrow. I'm my wold with my dad, everything happens tomorrow including going home.

(I have screamed and shouted too. Most times I manage to scream into a pillow. If my car had ears it would be deaf with tinnitus now
 

Roses40

Registered User
Jan 25, 2015
473
manchester
It's so difficult isn't it. We do our very best. I do hope someone has shown you the compassionate communication link. It made me think how I could help me by changes in my thoughts toward my dear and frustrating Mam. Love Rose x
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
Hi TimT, and welcome. I think you have summed it up when you say you have to look after your mum with zero preparation or training. How on earth anyone manages in these circumstances is beyond me. It's very, very difficult. And that's an understatement.

You are in the right place for advice, support, and the ocassional rant. Or a regular rant. We all understand, every single one of us knows.

Big hugs x
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,960
Brixham Devon
Oh! Those people who know it all-you know the ones-they give out 'advice' they make false promises of support-useless. As for losing it-welcome to the club! NO ONE can keep calm all the time-we are not saints- above all we are winging it:eek:

I remember speaking to an ex friend of mine (he was a SW in Adult services) I made the mistake of telling him that one night I yelled at my late Husband 'get in the b----y bathroom' This was after cleaning poo from the carpet for over 2 hours and turning round to see that Pete was pooing again (protection off of course) and walking through it all (I didn't know about overflow constipation at that stage-how could I) I hadn't slept for 48 hours straight and Pete had smeared the poo on the dogs ears (he hated the dog-I gave him too much attention). The ex friend told me I was being abusive-did he think I didn't know that?. I was ashamed. I was mortified that I had been so unkind, but I think as long as you recognise 'losing it' is a human reaction at times, you can forgive yourself.

Take care

Lyn T XX
 

Roses40

Registered User
Jan 25, 2015
473
manchester
Thanks Lyn T. I needed to hear that tonight after six wash and changes of clothes in the last twenty four hours. Poo !!. Love Rose x
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,069
Suffolk
The best thing, one day I had a lady from the DIST team here (Dementia intensive Support Team) here and she and I were sitting in the garden talking. This, of course, did not suit OH, who was in the house. He kicked off and she dealt with it!!! Leaving me to sit and enjoy the sun. That's a first and proves that some of them know what to do. Although I may add, she's the only one I've met!