What do I do??

[salacious]

Hi, firstly id like to apologise for not visiting for so long, unfortunately redundancy has taken over my life at the mo, with no money i havent been able to get online.

And secondly i have a problem and i dont know what to do. i think most people on the site know my situation, my mother is 44 and she has alzheimers disease. but now unfortunately i think her time will be coming to an end soon. She has stopped eating, and has forgotten how to swallow, so she needs to have a tube down her throat, however she pulls it out and wont keep it in, so we cant feed her like that. another option would have been to put a tube directly in her stomach, but the doctors are refusing to do it, as she is very weak and they are worried that she would die on the operating table. so we all have to resign ourselves to the fact that my mom will die from starvation. my nan, who is her carer, wants her back home for her final weeks, but i dont know whether i want to go and see her in the last weeks of her life. what do i do?
any answers would be a help.
many thanks
xxxxx

 

[jenniferpa]

I think you'll get quite a few opinions about this, and that's all they are, opinions. Mine is that you should go - while it will upset you a lot to see her like this, you're going to be upset anyway. At least this way you're not going to get hit with guilt when there's nothing you can do about it.

Sorry to hear about your redundancy - my daughter's out of work at the moment and it's tough.

Incidentally, although you didn't really ask, I totally agree with not force feeding her or inserting a tube - it will only prolong the inevitable.

 

[gigi]

Hello Sara...

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time at the moment...your mum is so young it must be hard for you...and her own mother.

Ultimately the decision to see your mum like this is yours and yours alone...

I can only suggest that you wait a while and rethink...and you may think differently.

Don't forget your nan in this..she is taking a bold step in looking after your mum in her final stages...and she may welcome your moral support.

You'll be surprised at the inner strength that comes with these times of trauma..

As Jennifer has said..you'll be upset whether you go or not...but if you don't see your mum you may feel regret afterwards.

Love gigi xx

 

[JeanD]

If it were me I would go. I have just lost my father in the same way, and although it was heartbreaking to see him like that, it was better for me than if I had stayed home with my imagination running riot. At least I saw for myself that he was peaceful and not suffering. I also believe he got a lot of comfort from our presence.

Although I can hardly bear the idea that he starved to death, the truth is he was not hungry or thirsty. He was talking to us almost to the end, and thought he had eaten imaginary meals.

I read everything I could find on the subject, and no-one seems to think peg feeding or tube-feeding is much use in these cases. It does not even increase life-expectancy (because of infections).

My father lasted about 10 weeks with almost no food, and then stopped drinking too. The end came about 3 days after that. It was always tough for me when I walked into his room, but after a very few minutes I got used to how thin he had become, and just sat and chatted to him. No-one can tell you what to do, but I will treasure those last precious visits forever. I did refuse to go and see him after he had died. Everyone has different limits, and I felt that I did not need to do that, and dad was beyond my help.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

love Jean

 

[connie]

Dear Sara, I do so feel for you. Please don't make any hasty decisions, you will have to live with them for a long time.

Gigi has a point when she says:

Don't forget your nan in this..she is taking a bold step in looking after your mum in her final stages...and she may welcome your moral support.

Your nan has undertaken such a positive and caring role, it must be heartbreaking for her to watch her daughter - as indeed for you to see your dear mum like this.

I admit I have asked for no feeding intervention for my Lionel, as I know that is what he would want.

what do i do?
any answers would be a help.

I would have to go and see my mum, whatever the circumstances, but that is me. No one can tell you what to do.

Sending you positive thoughts,

 

[TinaT]

Only you will have to live with whatever decision you make and only you can make that decision. I'm sure that your gran needs your support in any way you can give this. For her sake, try not to let her face this alone.

xxTinaT

 

[Chrissyan]

I just want to send you a hug, try & make the descision that is right for you.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Sara

There is no easy way out of this.
If you are about to lose your mother, that is bad enough in itself. Please don`t leave yourself room for regrets.
I`m so sorry it has come to this.
Love xx

 

[lesmisralbles]

Hello Sara

Please don`t leave yourself room for regrets.

I agree with Silvia.
Sending love.
Barb X & Ron ZZ

 

[citybythesea]

My sympathy

Sara,

I know this time is hard...and from a different point of view. It is haard and you know the outcome. You stated your Nana wants to take your mum home. I would hope that if she does you do not forget your Nana is there also...just as you will be coping she will also be coping and perhaps if you cannot cope with seeing your mom you will stop by for your Nana. I know she will understand and at the same time you will be better off later on. I hope I haven't offended you. I just know that various children, neices and nephews of mine are all upset now because they did not take the time to try to just hold her hand...and yes, my brother is also working his way thru this feeling.


HUGS


Nancy


PS....there is a poem called "footprints" it has helped me numerous times....and I don't go to church like I should.

 

[Lynne]

I saw for myself that he was peaceful and not suffering. I also believe he got a lot of comfort from our presence.
Although I can hardly bear the idea that he starved to death, the truth is he was not hungry or thirsty. He was talking to us almost to the end & thought he had eaten imaginary meals.

Sara;
my Mum died the same way, at home, in September. Although still fairly lucid & aware of her surroundings, she just didn't want to eat. Like JeanD's father, she would often say things like "but I've only just eaten, I haven't any room". The sensation of hunger seemed to left her, although she would still ask for drinks (of which she only took a sip or two).

The resulting weakness caused her to have a fall, and she was in bed only for the last month of her life. In the last week she was having trouble swallowing drinks, often they "went down the wrong way". This caused coughing fits and seizures. Whilst no-one can know how she felt during her last hour, I think her death was not painful, and I am pleased I was able to be with her and holding her in my arms.

PS. Holding my hand up - another now unemployed/on Jobseekers allowance

 

[Margarita]

I would say go with your gut feeling in what you emotional feel is right for you emotional in what memories you want to keep of your mother when you say Good bye to her. Good bye is the hardest word to say to a mother. I do feel for you .

Never forget Its alway your choice, as you have to live within yourself with it, what feel right for you go with it never Judge yourself on it or regret it, as its a waste of energy and as a mother myself I am sure your mother would not want you to do that xxx

 

[Margaret W]

Dear Sara

How sorry I am to hear this. I have no real opinions on peg-feeding except to read other people's opinions and they feel it is probably not worth all the risk unless there is a real chance that your mum will improve. My MIL was likely to have had the same procedure but she died before they could implement it - at that time I had no idea what it entailed.

As to Nan taking your mum home, well it is what I would want to do for my child, that is understandable. As to visiting her, would you stop visiting if she remains in hospital? Perhaps you would, probably you aren't sure, and you are so young to be having to make this sort of decision. Your Nan will likely have experienced death before so will be better prepared, and she will understand whatever your choice.

Your mum will be no less comfortable or safe at home, and your Nan will be worn out with caring for her, so if you feel you can't see your mum you could go and make Nan a cuppa or a meal, or help with the shopping and washing.

Horrible though it is, death comes to everyone and most people would like to having loving faces by their sides towards the end. The sight of a dying person becomes less scary if you see them regularly rather than not visiting for a while and then seeing them close to the end. I have personally never been with a person right to the end, but a close friend of mine died 10 years ago and I was amazed that on the day of his death his wife decided to go to have her hair done and he was left alone in hospital. I went to sit with him till she returned. I am 100% certain that it was beneficial to him to have a familiar face there.

It is up to everyone to do what they feel comfortable with, and no-one will criticise you if you cannot manage to visit mum, but you may wish afterwards that you had done so. At least if you go, and it distresses you too much, you will know that you tried.

That is all any of us can do.

I wish you all the strength you need for this difficult time.

Much love

Margaret

 

[salacious]

thank you

thanks to all of you for your messages, i showed my nan them and she was slightly overwhelmed by all the support i have recieved from you all. dont forget i am always here to repay the compliment. much love
sara
xxx