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what do i do?

pumpkin31

Registered User
Mar 26, 2020
58
HI spoke to hubby on the phone but he was very anxious he wants to come home to his wife. He said he does not like it in the home and no one takes any notice of him and the sooner he gets home the better hes been in the home a few months now but dont know if hes happy there. Hes was crying the other day and not sure if hes settled in or not. hes desperate to see me as hes not seen me for 10 weeks which is making him agitated . He also said its a long day in here when u dont see anyone. He also said that hes not sleeping very well as the bed is not comfortable and he wants to get home and sleep in our nice comfortable bed. Any advice would be appreciated and should i bring him home?.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,652
N Ireland
It may be an idea to talk to the staff at the Care Home, if you can, as you may get a different picture in relation to how settled your husband is.

I know it's easy to say, but try not to get too anxious about the version you get from your husband as it may not be accurate. A chat with the staff is essential.
 

pumpkin31

Registered User
Mar 26, 2020
58
Thank you for your reply KaraokePete i do but they will say hes fine which hes not as he was crying while facetiming the other day and the carer was there. I asked her what was wrong and she said hes having a bad day ?thats when the tears started to flow and later on he was screaming my name u could here him while i was talking to him on the phone cause we facetime in the morning and phone the home at nite. He said he does not want to go on.Se what hes like tomoro when i phone.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,869
Hi @Pumpkin. So sorry that phone calls and face time with your husband are so upsetting for both of you. I was wondering if he’s picking up on your mood. Do you think part of his sadness is seeing how upset you are? If you put on an act of how lovely it is for him in the home, warm comfortable lots going on et etc he might take his lead from you?
I’m sure the reason your husband moved to a care home was because being at home was no longer an option. Your husband might be going on about comfortable beds at home et etc, but ‘home’ is more a state of mind than a physical place and if he was at home with you he might well be no happier.
As my dear mil always says, look after you. You are important too.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,689
South coast
Hello @Pumpkin. This lockdown makes everything difficult.

When mum went into her care home there wasnt the lockdown, so I could go and visit. The first time I went to visit I walked into the lounge to see mum with a cup of tea and a biscuit sat in a chair next to another resident and both of them were laughing and chatting to a carer. As soon as she saw me everything changed - she said "oh, have you come to take me home?" and the tears started. When, later, she told me that no-one cared about her, she had to do everything herself, no one got her dinner and they didnt even make her a cup of tea, I knew that it wasnt true.

Unfortunately, you can only see what he says to you at the time. You dont know what he was like 5 mins earlier, or 5 mins later and you worry that he is like this all the time. Equally, you have not been able to meet the carers, see how they treat your husband and get to know and trust them. For all you know, they could be telling you complete porkies, and perhaps you might be thinking that they probably are.

I hope that today things may feel more settled. It is still early days and he is bound to have some good and some bad days. Please try not to worry too much.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
706
I know it's a bit of an overused phrase but "taking it a day at a time" really is a good thing to do. My mum can be literally screaming one day and calm and smiling the next. Her mood can change in the blink of an eye and if there is one thing I have learned through it all, it's not to knee jerk. Although I have often thought of wrapping her up and bringing her home, I know I would not be able to look after her and it would be a complete disaster - and what then? I hope you have a happy call this morning.