1. maggier

    maggier Registered User

    Jan 9, 2006
    78
    manchester
    I am in a dilemma
    Mum has been increasingly refusing to let me do anything at all for her. Last week I tried to mop her kitchen floor and she took the mop off me and hit me over the h ead with it. If I try and wipe down worktops or dust she goes absolutely mad, strats trying to hit me and literally tells me to F... Off and drags me around by my clothes or my hair.

    Normally my brother (who she is very tolerant of) gives her meals and her tablets, as she will not take either from me. He has now at a moments notice kindly informed me that he is going away for 4 days this weekend and I am absolutely at a loss as to what I can do with mum. She lives round the corner from me and basically I just pop in to make sure she is alive and kicking (literally kicking in my experience!) but how do I get her to let me feed her and give her her tablets now that my brother has decided to go away with such short notice>
    I have been telling him we need a plan in case her went away and h e just kept saying "we will cross that bridge when we come to it!" well apparently we have come to it, but he just says leave her something to eat and she will probably eat it.
    Probably not she will probably throw it at me.

    She does not have any careres coming in as she would not let them in(there have been timnes when she has seen me coming round the corner and locked the door and not let me in ) I am very worried. I f eel really pathetic and useless but mum really does not want me there and yesterday she told me she hated me. I know it's not her it's the illness, but how can I help her if she doesn't want me to.?
    HELP!
    Maggie
     
  2. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Maggier,
    If I was in your position, I would leave it for one day and then check on your Mother.
    When they see someone else doing the things that they are unable to do they will become angry and frustrated.
    Perhaps what your brother is suggesting may be the only way.
    Do hope that more people will come on line and give you advice
    Good Luck
    Best wishes
    Christine
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,078
    Kent
    Hello Maggier

    I agree with Christine.

    Leave your mother alone for the first day, then call round in the evening just to say hello.

    You never know, she might accept your help when she realizes your brother won`t be available.

    It`s very hurtful when you try so hard but your help is turned down. However much we tell ourselves it`s the illness, it doesn`t make it less painful.

    Who knows> this might be just what your mother needs to help her recognize she has a daughter as well as a son.

    Let us know what happens. :) You can only do your best.
    Love xx
     
  4. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #4 Margarita, Jul 23, 2008
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2008
    Amazing really how some woman with a dementia know how they bounders when they a man around , compared to when its a woman .

    My mother would walk all over me also , think nothing of trying to go for me or say the most Horrible things imaginable to me , when all I was doing is trying to help her

    Then along come my son or Ex boyfriend step in , mum all sweetness an light with them , excepting my son help with out losing her temper, if she did he Just say Stop it & she would .

    she even said that she wish she never had me , back in the early days , where now its I don't know what I would do with out you .

    But she only said that after few years on medication for AZ , which gave her more clarity of thought . when back then in the mist of it without medication, they can say the most hurtful thing that leave you feeling powerless in your emotions.

    So what I did I learn Analyzed why the change of behavior in mum change ,compared to when I was around .

    I learn to put bounders up between us .

    If your mother go for you while your cleaning up , walk out of the door, never challenging her as I learn that only ends up getting they back up so be coming more aggressive.

    I had to do that a 2 time time. Just go for a walk around the corner if your mother in a better mood she may let you back in .

    Just do shopping for her making sure she got food in the fridge to pick at .

    Then when she ready , she seeing in you that you have put your bounders up , asserted yourself very firm lovering way, ( even if you have to pretend ) .

    She come around , not sure it happen in 4 days , but it be a learning block for you in the future.
     
  5. Helen33

    Helen33 Registered User

    Jul 20, 2008
    14,697
    Hello Maggie

    I just wondered whether your mother might be relating to you like she would have to someone in her past (sister, friend etc).
    She might have had a bad relationship with some female in her past. Just a thought.

    You can always say to your brother that you will not take the responsibility because your mother reacts badly to you and you don't want to cause her unnecessary distress. You could ask him to contact Social Services urgently and inform them of the situation.

    If you feel out of your depth - it is o.k. Your brother's relationship with mum is different and I think he is being unreasonable in expecting his mum (and you) to cope with a potentially distressing long weekend.

    Love Helen
     
  6. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi Maggie

    Would it be possible to have your Mum to your house for meals, or at least dinner and at the same time, she could be given her medication?

    Would that work?

    Change of scenery, change of attitude, maybe??

    Love
    Alfjess
     
  7. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    You can't, is the simple answer. All you can do is ensure she is safe as best you are able.

    How important are the medications? Would missing a day or two (or a dose or two) make a real difference? (if yes, perhaps you need to contact GP/Community team for support).... Is weight a concern? - or will missing a few meals do no serious harm?

    As for mopping and dusting ..... unless the place is filthy it will do little harm ...... Perhaps 'mum' can't quite manage the 'high standards' you are striving for on her behalf - and struggling to admit she can't aspire to them anymore? (Or if she is anything like mine believed she had done such a good job cleaning I didn't have the heart to tell her I could write my name in dust in certain places! and in fact I realise I affronted her when I was suggesting even indirectly she hadn't managed very well herself!)

    I'm sorry about the level of aggression which appears to be directed at you and not your brother .... some valid points on that raised already ...... for your own sake .... you need to give yourself some space ...... I know it's hard ... but you are certainly not useless ... sometimes trying to be 'of use' and having it thrown in your face (metaphorically) is a harder cross to bear than being 'allowed' to care ......

    Almost impossible, I know - but try to take a step back and see how it goes....

    Love Karen, x
     
  8. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    #8 Lynne, Jul 24, 2008
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2008
    Hi MaggieR

    OK, a few random thoughts from me:-

    If mum is robust enough to drag you around by your hair, she's not going to starve to death in 4 days. (My Mum weighs 4st10 & is only 5 ft tall, 89 yrs old, and appears to be existing on thin air, but she's still hanging in there.) I think I would be inclined to make sure cupboard stocked & stay away for the weekend. (Easy for me to say :eek:, it's your mum)

    Meds. missed for 4 consecutive days might be another thing entirely. Do you know what they are for? Anti-psychotics perhaps? Contact Dr, practice nurse or social services for urgent advice. Stress "Urgent!"

    Margarita's idea that possibly your mum reacts better to a man giving her meds. is worth a thought. Male social worker? Male nurse? ask Dr./Nurse.

    I know you said she has a tendency to lock you out, but she might not react the same when faced by Nurse on the doorstep. You can onlytry.

    Overall, I think you know the situation can't continue like it has been. If your brother feels able to b****r off for 4 days just like that, he's prob feeling the strain as well, even if he doesn't say that to you. You (two) are entitled to have a life as well; to be brutal, your Mum has had all the quality independent life she's going to get now. If left alone she will deteriorate, your present efforts cannot make her 'better' or even happy/content; perhaps it's time to start looking at residential care. This will require input from her Dr, even sectioning at the worst case scenario. Not a happy thought, but perhaps a practical one.

    With sympathy (even if it doesn't sound like it)
     
  9. maggier

    maggier Registered User

    Jan 9, 2006
    78
    manchester
    #9 maggier, Jul 24, 2008
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2008
    thank you all of you for your really helpful (and reassuring) replies. I have tried all the things you have all said. and yes I think I do try and impose my higher standards on her and make her feel a failure because of her own incapabilities. I just hadn't actually realised or thought of it that way. I need to learn to be more understanding and lower the standards for mum, if she is happy living with dust and a bit of grime then so be it, as long as she is happy. It is just so hard when she had very very high standards herself when she was well and I know if she had gone to someone's house that looked like hers does now, she would have been mortified. But I have to realise mum is mum NOW not mum as she was then.
    I will just check on her, try and encourage her to take her pills, if she eats she eats if she doesn't then she will certainly be ready for a meal when my brother gets back! I Just thank Goodness he is only away for a few days and not 2 weeks.
    I don't want it to sound like I don't want to be left on my own with mum, I was just worrying about her in case she won't eat but she certainly won't starve, she eats sweets like they are going out of fashion!
    Thanks again everyone who replied.
    Maggie x x x
     
  10. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    3,518
    If the medications are essential then contact either the GP or Social Services and tell them that the usual person who gives them is going away unavoidably, and that your mum not only won't accept them from you but becomes verbally and physically violent towards you and that it just isn't possible for you to ensure she takes her medicines.

    The food is les simportant, someone in reasonable health isn;t going to starve in a few days, however it is very important particularly in the current round of warm weather that mum takes in enough fluids.
     

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