What do I do next?

[steviel]

Just wondered if anyone could offer some advice or point me in the right direction.
Just returned from a visit to my Dads flat,argh! He comes to me for his daily medication so it has been a few weeks since I have been and it was a shock. He is obviously not looking after the place properly and it was pretty dirty, kitchen,bathroom etc. I am happy to go and do a big clean but he does get a bit fed up with me as he says I have enough on my plate with 2 young children, not sure if he is a bit embarrassed! Also I do not think that he is eating properly, could he be forgetting? I cook for him and give him plated/made up food but I am not actually watching him eating and today I have found the food not eaten and growing unmentionables!!!!
I feel awful as though I am neglecting him, I am sure anyone reading this would think I am, but as he comes to me everyday I try to give him the odd sandwich etc but he is obviously not eating and he has lost weight.
what would be my next step to help this? Can anyone advise, I would be grateful.
Thanks
Stevie

 

[jenniferpa]

Firstly, put out of your mind any thoughts that anyone reading this would think you were neglecting him: forgetting to eat/refusing to eat/forgetting that they have eaten and eating again: all of these these are very common. Frankly, from my own experience, even being there to make sure he eats might not work. There is no denying that for some people as they age, even without dementia in the mix, the appetite is reduced, sometimes to the point where they no longer actually feel hungry, and why would you eat if you weren't hungry? Also, taste buds seem to shut down too - hence in the increase in desire for sweet things, since it seems that often previously enjoyed foods seem tasteless.

As for cleaning - well I'm not the worlds best housekeeper, so I'm probably not the best person to advise. Could he physically find the whole thing difficult? There's a lot of bending etc involved in keeping things clean, and of course, when you're living in an environment, you don't always notice things that are glaringly apparent to others, or not until you notice them noticing if you see what I mean.

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Stevie,

Does your father get Attendance Allowance? He should be entitled at least to the lower rate, if you are cooking for him and giving his medication every day. Also if he is unable to take care of his basic needs.

If his house is so neglected and he`losing weight even though you provide meals, he might benefit from some SS home care to visit once or twice daily, just to check he`s OK, see that he eats and do some light housework.

If this can be arranged, you`ll have less to worry about and he will still feel independent without imposing on you.

Perhaps it`s worth thinking about.

 

[Cate]

Hi Stevie

Been there, done that, got the T shirt. Sorry if that sounds a tat flippant, but it is soooo true.

Mum went from a cleaning, washing ironing fanatic, a spec of dust wouldn’t dare land on her sideboard, to someone who really couldn’t manage it, and for the most part didn’t even see the muck.

If I tried cleaning when she was home she would have a complete hissy fit, and I guess I can understand that, it clearly came across as a criticism of her capabilities.

Solution: Every now and then I used to get my son to take her out for the day, then my brother SIL and me would hit it big time. We would put the Domestic Goddess in the shade, and leave the whole place sparkling. Sometimes mum noticed, but not often, and if she did, I just used to say I did it as a surprise to give her a housework holiday.

Not eating, and the unmentionables in the fridge. We organised meals of wheels for mum, sometimes she would remember to eat it, sometimes not, we used to find them in all sorts of places, growing all sorts.

Solution: I used to take a meal with me for both of us, and eat it with her, and my brother did the same.

Sadly it was her lack of eating, amongst a dozen or so other things that eventually made up our minds it was time for mum to move to the NH.

Personally I wouldnt worry too much about the state of dads home, as long as it isnt doing him any harm, and I'm sure it isnt, just keep your eye on the kitchen and bathroom, and give it a 'do' when you can.

Try meals on wheels, it may be worth a go, and maybe a phone call each day, along the lines 'how was your meal today dad', it may work for you.

Love

Cate xx