What can I do--such an embarrassing problem

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by pinkjandt, Jun 29, 2008.

  1. pinkjandt

    pinkjandt Registered User

    Apr 11, 2008
    25
    hampshire
    It has been quite a while since I posted,Things have been going really well,Terry has been on Aricept,and has become so much better
    Big BUT---We are just moving into a retirement flat, my father is very ill in hospital and i have had to juggle moving with going to and from hospital with mum. My parents are both 88 years old so it has been quite a traumatic few weeks.
    I thought Terry was coping pretty well,still a bit confused etc
    but managing

    Today I came back from hospital and Terry was sound asleep in bed when i came in, that surprised me he never does that, when he awoke he had lost all knowledge of the afternoon.Then I found a small bottle of brandy HE HAD DRUNK THE LOT and was obviously sleeping it off.

    What the devil can I do about this, he really couldn,t remember buying it, Do i stop him having money ? has anyone else had this problem?

    Is he jealous of the time i am having to spend with my parents?
    Is he bothered about moving?
    Advice please
     
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Pinkjandt,
    No advice...just wanted to say...dont be embarrassed!! Has this happened before? Think i would be tempted to just wait and see..it may be a one off.
    Love Helen
     
  3. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    836
    Australia
    Hi Pinkjandt,

    I'm with Amy, this is nothing to be embarassed about. I reckon if I was in Terry's position (or yours!) I might decide one afternoon to just buy myself a bottle of brandy too! Don't stress out too much yet, like Amy says, it could quite likely be a one off. Its also quite possible that the effect of his meds and the alcohol together made it more of a bender than it would have usually been. He may have thought to just have a glass to give himself a bit of a high if he was feeling low, but the meds (and the progression of the disease) may have meant that one glass made him lose his senses completely so he polished of the whole bottle.
    He probably is quite stressed about everything, the move, you being away and his future. I wouldn't try to fight this at this time, as I have found fighting the sufferer often exacerbates problems as they are already feeling like they are losing their independence so rebel against further incursions. I being a bit of a nutter myself might even go out and buy a bigger bottle of brandy, sit down with him and say 'Okay honey lets get smashed together so at least we've got something to laugh about tonight' (I know I know a totally irresponsible suggestion from me! Definitely don't do it if there is any fear of alcoholism and check with a doctor first about any possible dangerous side effects aricept has when mixed with alchohol).
    Its hard to do right now I know because no doubt you are trying very hard to keep it together, dealing with your husband's condition and the trauma of your parents care as well, but try not to let the little things unravel you, and despite how it might seem at this point if there is no evidence that this brandy buying thing will become a habit, it is a little thing. Possibly you are doubly upset by it because whilst you are trying so hard to keep things together, the incident suggests that you can't rely on Terry to keep it together, and I know that was very hard for my mother when Dad got this disease, to suddenly be the only one who could be relied upon to keep things together. If that is the case, then realise that deep down you are hurting because you don't want to be the only reliable one, so question your motives if you are thinking of trying to control the situation by taking away Terry's current freedom of having money, because I found that the more my Mum insisted on trying to keep Dad as he was before this disease came to stay, the more their relationship became a war of wills, that Dad had no hope of winning, but he made sure he made her miserable for it.
    I'm not saying that possibly you aren't right, and if it does indeed become a problem then restricting his freedoms maybe necessary for his safety. All I am trying to say however is that I have noticed that one of the biggest problems that arises in relationships with this disease is when it is fought against. The fighter gets worn out by always having to be responsible and sensible, they feel hurt that they are being let down. What seems to work better when it is possible is to roll with the disease to a certain extent, pretend it doesn't phase you, and beat it where you can by subterfuge and kindness, by enjoying the happy moments and letting the bad behaviours go. By all means say that you don't like the behaviours (i.e. It makes me awfully worried that you bought a bottle of brandy and drank it, but no doubt that you can't remember, worries you too Terry) but don't punish your loved one for making very human mistakes at a very difficult time in their life.
    I'm worried that this post came out in a very patronising tone, please believe that I am not trying to suggest I know better than you...I guess I just saw all the hurt and anger that passed between my parents because of the troubles this disease brought and I'd do anything, say anything if I thought it could help others avoid the same pain.
    Best of luck and I hope the problem doesn't continue and I hope things get a little less stressful for you.
     

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