Hello, I'm Natasha and the person that Ev (Squelchy) is talking about.
There are a few things that I would like to clarify really, because it will help people to understand why my reaction may seem extreme. In the past few months, my life has completely changed, I had to move out of my home temporarily due to faulty electrics, which meant that I was staying with my grandparents. Unfortunately, there have been a series of other problems too, all of which have left me feeling very stressed and anxious. During this time, my grandad’s health deteriorated and he was admitted to hospital on a number of occasions. Last Sunday morning, he passed away and this has hit me really hard. I promised him that I would look after my nan. My grandad and I have always been against her going into a nursing home until we can no longer safely look after her.
I fully intend to continue caring for my nan for as long as possible. The Panorama programme on Monday night has reinforced my feelings about this and I am absolutely sure that I am doing the right thing.
I’m not opposed to getting help to look after my nan or against her going to a day centre or having respite. But, I want to ensure that she is happy and it’s what she wants to do too. It’s really too soon to make any decisions or firm plans about the future, I need to concentrate on sorting out my grandad’s affairs and funeral, which I’m finding really hard at the moment.
From what Ev has said, it looks as though my reaction has been extreme and maybe it has, but there have been many problems over the past few months and I don’t know how much more I can cope with.
I have contacted Social Services and I made a referral to the Occupational Therapist too. My nursing background has been an advantage in terms of knowledge. We have had the OT visit and assess, she has prescribed some equipment, however, my nan can be very stubborn and will often go against any decision made, if she feels that someone is interfering or telling her what to do. She has always been like this, which the family have always affectionately called “feisty” but the Alzheimer’s or maybe her age seem to have exacerbated this and it means that we need to be very careful how we approach and introduce things to her.
Social Services have been extremely slow to respond. And when they did, some 3 months after I had made the referral, my nan told them that she didn’t want them interfering and they immediately closed the case without contacting me to let me know. I am now trying to get their help again, but it’s proving very difficult.
I am in no doubt about how committed Ev is to me and how much he will support me. But, I am trying to think of the whole situation. Ev is in his 3rd and last year of uni. He needs to concentrate and work hard on his essays, dissertation and revise for his forthcoming exams. I am really worried that my situation will distract him and affect his work.
I know that he has been feeling really stressed about it and has been having huge problems sleeping. I feel responsible for this and very guilty about it too. I would never want to affect his chances in life and I feel that my ever-changing and stressful life will without doubt cause him stress too.
At present, I am trying to cope with all of the changes and think about how I am going to manage, mentally, physically and financially. Ev has been amazingly supportive and I am so grateful to him for that. But the harsh reality is that I have to make these decisions and plans and deal with the consequences. Unfortunately, my family have lots of opinions on the matter, and promise to help, but this help never materialises. This means that until my nan will accept help, support and services from Social Services, I will remain her carer.
Despite all of the reassurances, I am sure that this will affect our relationship and to be really honest, right now I can’t even think about starting a relationship because it’s all too much for me. The problem is that we both get very upset when I say that, which in turn makes me feel incredibly guilty. There have been times when he has told that he’s unable to cope with how he’s feeling and the thought of not being with me makes him feel suicidal and I am scared that if I end it, he will do something stupid, and I can’t begin to tell you how that makes me feel.
Thank you to all of you for your advice and support. Particularly Grannie G; I am trying to adjust to everything and I do need time and space to do that. And to be fair, Ev is giving me time and space.
Jenniferpa hit the nail on the head really. Quote: “I suppose it's all about respect - you have to respect a person's decision, even if you think it's the wrong one (unless, of course, it's actually dangerous to them or others). Now that decision may have ramifications for others, or may be upsetting for them, but that's the nature of any relationship decision. Now you may feel that such withdrawal is both counterproductive and unhealthy and you may be correct, but one thing I'm reasonably certain of: when one person in a relationship withdraws, pushing by the other person is equally counterproductive. All the other person in that situation can reasonably do is try to wait it out. Be supportive yes, be open, but most importantly, be patient. This is just my own personal opinion, of course, but if I'm pushed to do something or make a decision, particularly when I'm not ready, it's just as likely that I will either avoid that decision by removing the person doing the pressing from the equation or the answer will be "no".
I completely agree with this and I am very similar (and similar to my nan too) if I am pushed, I will dig my heels in or say no to avoid the situation. But this is usually only when I feel unable to cope. There have been times when it has been extremely frustrating for Ev, times when I have cancelled meeting him because of unexpected situations and on the whole he has been patient and I don’t want to criticise him. But, there have been times when I have felt quite a lot of pressure to be everything to everyone and it’s impossible.
I’m so this is so long!
Natasha.
