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What am I going to do?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Cliff, Aug 6, 2007.

  1. Cliff

    Cliff Registered User

    Jun 29, 2007
    777
    North Wales
    #1 Cliff, Aug 6, 2007
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2007
    What am I going to do ?

    I have been offered respite, but........

    I can't let Dee go into respite as she was upset by being shown the rooms in the care ward at the clinic - which were excellent to me.

    I'm happy with the help I'm getting, and about to get, from the Az Soc, Cross roads, agency personal care etc.

    So having made the decision that Dee is not going into respite, what do I tell my lovely neighbours who urge me to have respite. How do I fend them off and still keep their friendship .

    Cliff ......Help !!

    PS. I'm scared of losing Dee's loving friendship which still shines through this dreadful period.
     
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Cliff, I'm in exactly the same position. I don't want John to have respite, because although we have problems, he is still the lovely man I married. If I left him in care for a couple of weeks, I don't know how we would ever get back to that.

    That's what I tell people. I haven't said no to respite, I've said 'not yet'. And I'll carry on saying 'not yet' for as long as I can cope, or until John is sufficiently unaware of his surroundings not to feel abandoned.

    I'm a great believer in honesty.

    Love,
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,722
    Kent
    Hi Cliff,

    Your lovely neighbours are only seeing you, and are concerned for you. They are not seeing Dee or your love for her. This is what well meaning people do not understand.

    You shouldn`t have the additional stress of having to explain your situation to your neighbours. My sister gives me well meaning advice, but doesn`t realize she is adding to my stress, by making me feel I have to justify the level of care I give my husband.

    I wish people would not volunteer `well meaning` unsolicited advice. Sorry, I know you don`t want it to get too serious, but people don`t help, they hinder, lovely or not.

    You care for your wife the way you want to, and don`t feel you have to justify that care to anyone.

    Love xx
     
  4. Cliff

    Cliff Registered User

    Jun 29, 2007
    777
    North Wales
    Thought I'd pop back before the going-to-bed routine.

    Have been brewing this over for a week, and you two ladies have written such good common sense.

    Bless you both, now I know how to respond to my friends who have been urging respite with such well meaning intentions.

    Love to you both , Cliff


    TP is marvellous !
     
  5. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    No what you mean , not wanting to lose they friendship , even thought I am sure they won't do that , if you word it right as you don't want to end up isolated yourself from them



    I would tell them that I don't want to lose your friendship , which shines through this dreadful period. but i feel my mother just not ready for respite, then tell them the positive support your going to get

    good luck tell us all how you got on :)
     
  6. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    326
    Chelmsford
    Cliff, you have every right to change your mind about respite. It is not the good neighbours who do the main caring. You can say that you would be concerned what Dee will be like when she comes out, and while she is in there you would not be happy as you would be worrying about her constantly. I am like this.
    cris
     
  7. Cliff

    Cliff Registered User

    Jun 29, 2007
    777
    North Wales
    Thank you Margarita and Cris,

    your comments are so helpful.

    In all things, Dee comes first and I don't want anything to break that precious link we have together.

    Especially at this time when the Reminyl seems to be making a difference.

    Love to you - Cliff
     
  8. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    785
    Buckinghamshire
    Cliff, hang on in there as long as you can/want - you will know when the time is right for respite. And if your neighbours are really good friends, they will respect your decision without feeling offended.

    I have been caring for my husband for many years, and must admit that physical and emotional exhaustion are an almost inevitable by-product. But there are also many precious moments, a feeling of closeness and togetherness which makes the caring rewarding. Many times I have been told to check out care homes "just in case ....". I never did, since I felt that neither of us was ready for that step, and should there be an emergency, it would be worse if the only bed available was in a place I had not liked.

    Well, the emergency did happen when my father phoned from abroad to say my Mother only had a few hours to live - - - within 12 hours, I dropped hubby off at the only care home where we could find a respite bed, and with great trepidation and very mixed and anxious feelings I took off into the saddes week of my life.
    I was away a whole week, but my husband seemed none the worse for his dislocation, a little quiet the first day back home, but otherwise seemingly unaware of our worries and the upheaval.

    What I am trying to say: you won't know how it will affect your wife until you try it, but if you don't feel it's worth the gamble, then there is no law that says you have to do it.

    Enjoy every good moment - and I wish you both lots of them!!
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,722
    Kent
    Moved Thread

    Cliff has agreed to allow me to move this Thread to the Support Section, as I think it raises a very important point.
     
  10. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    Hello Cliff

    If you carry on following what your heart tells you, you won't go far wrong.

    Maybe you will want respite in the future, maybe not..............only you can make that decision.

    Dee is one lucky lady.

    Kathleen
    xx
     

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