What’s best.

[JC51]

Okay, it’s two months since my wife who has Alzheimer’s and Lewy Body went into the EMI section of a care home. I’m very happy with the home, and she settled well. I have been visiting once a week, after my first visit I found that trying to stay for an hour was pointless. I’ve now just stayed for 20-30 minutes, but even this is so upsetting as she doesn’t know who I am, and all reference to family is the same. Yesterday I drove the six miles as usual, went up to the floor she is on, went to her room with one of the carers and she wasn’t there, she was fast asleep in her day clothes in someone else’s room. The carer brought her back, but after 10 minutes trying to talk to her she just got into her bed and went to sleep. The carers said she had been sleeping a lot through the week, so I said goodbye and came home.
Any thoughts on what is best now, I was thinking of telling the staff I’ll ring once a week and maybe cut visiting to fortnightly or monthly. They always ring me with info if needed. It’s so heartbreaking, I don’t want them to think I’ve given up, but I can’t see the use of going when she isn’t aware it’s me.
Has anyone else had this sort of situation, I’m just stuck at the moment.

 

[DreamsAreReal]

@JC51 I haven’t been in your situation, but I know how you cared for your wife for years at home and I think that whatever you decide to do, it will be the right thing. Look after yourself, you deserve it. ? xx

 

[JC51]

Thank you so much, DreamsAreReal, made me feel better.

 

[DreamsAreReal]

Thank you so much, DreamsAreReal, made me feel better.

Good, I’m glad. ?

 

[Andy54]

I have a similar problem with getting my wife's attention, she doesn't really know who I am anymore and is often reluctant to come to the visitors lounge to sit with me ((she refuses point blank to go into her room for a visit - I think she probably associates being taken to her room with being changed or cleaned up which she is not happy with). Recently I have had a little success by taking in one of her favourite chocolate mousse desserts each visit, This usually keeps her attention for at least 10 minutes or so before she gets restless, I try to stretch it out as long as possible. Then on a good day I might get another 10 - 15 minutes wandering up and down the corridors hand in hand with her, I think you just have to take whatever you can get.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @JC51, it's my mother rather than my partner in a care home, but I don't visit that often, roughly once a fortnight for about ten minutes or so. My main aim is just to check that mum is OK and to chat to the carers about things. I think you need to do what works best for you and your loved one. Your wife, like my mother seems to be at the stage where they don't really know who we are and would rather be asleep a lot of the time. I fact she was asleep last time I visited and I didn't bother to wake her up.
So I think just do whatever you feel comfortable with doing.

 

[imthedaughter]

I don't visit my dad very often as I live far away but I take in a airfix easy build plane and make it for him, and he's always delighted to have another plane to fiddle with. He's got to the point where he doesn't recognise me but I am still very much in his thoughts as he tells me I live with him and we have meals together often. I like the idea of trying a game of skittles or something from a chair - dad is now in one room and happier with the radio and TV.

 

[JC51]

Thank you all very much for your hints and understanding. I have tried taking photos with me but to no avail. I noticed a lot of clothes and necklaces in the drawers and wardrobe in her room which are not hers, the staff told me not to worry it’s a common occurrence. She was a carer herself for twelve years in a council owned care home and now the role has been reversed.
I’m thinking along the same line as Sarasa maybe once a fortnight for visits.

 

[Margeaux]

Okay, it’s two months since my wife who has Alzheimer’s and Lewy Body went into the EMI section of a care home. I’m very happy with the home, and she settled well. I have been visiting once a week, after my first visit I found that trying to stay for an hour was pointless. I’ve now just stayed for 20-30 minutes, but even this is so upsetting as she doesn’t know who I am, and all reference to family is the same. Yesterday I drove the six miles as usual, went up to the floor she is on, went to her room with one of the carers and she wasn’t there, she was fast asleep in her day clothes in someone else’s room. The carer brought her back, but after 10 minutes trying to talk to her she just got into her bed and went to sleep. The carers said she had been sleeping a lot through the week, so I said goodbye and came home.
Any thoughts on what is best now, I was thinking of telling the staff I’ll ring once a week and maybe cut visiting to fortnightly or monthly. They always ring me with info if needed. It’s so heartbreaking, I don’t want them to think I’ve given up, but I can’t see the use of going when she isn’t aware it’s me.
Has anyone else had this sort of situation, I’m just stuck at the moment.

I fully understand your dilemma. My husband had to go into residential care and although he still knows me, he no longer knows our 3 sons. He has become very attached to another female resident and it’s really hard for me to see this so I am in a similar dilemma. I suppose we just never know just how much recall they have, even just momentarily. Still, it’s traumatic to manage but you need to feel at ease with whatever you decide. Take care.