We've moved mum into a lovely care home but she just complains constantly & wants to die - I dread visiting her

Flaming June

Registered User
May 25, 2024
13
0
Mum has dementia. We took her out of a care home she hated and moved her into the best we could find - and believe me we visited every care home in the locality - and beyond!! Of course mum hates this one too, hates the staff, hates the other residents, all of whom are very nice. She just sits in her room, refusing to get involved in the many activities, saying she's never been so fed up or miserable in her life, doesn't see the point of life and wants to die. Complains that we've just 'dumped' her there - on loop.

We moved heaven and earth to find her a lovely home and it's soul destroying, heart breaking and so very depressing. I dread visiting her, because it'll just be more of the same...

We've done our level best to make her happy but she continues to be as miserable as sin. And, as ever, it's all about her, never us.

Ideally, I want to reduce my visits to, say, once a month as it's so depressing!!! But I feel so guilty... Help!!
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
2,007
0
Yup!
All places are the same, till she gets out of the room and mixes....
I would cut down your visits, for the next 6 or so weeks, any visits are done in the main sitting room, during any activity that may interest her. Musical activities that she could listern to, hum along to, could be a good starting point.
Talk to the staff to find out how she is when you are not there, where does she have her meals?
In her room (bad) dining room (good).

Bod.
 

yoy

Registered User
Jun 19, 2022
312
0
You're not on your own Flaming June. I think alot of us carry the guilt monster but you need to give yourself time (and a break!). You have done what is best for your mum, which is making sure she has the care that she needs. They need time as well to settle and get used to things, and some take alot longer than others.
Your mum may well not be happy where ever she is placed because of the dementia - she may know that there's something wrong and is wanting to get away from it to a happy place, but can't process that it's the dementia and it would only go with her.. On the other hand she may settle and be happy in the end. Everyone is different. Have you tried asking the staff what she's like when you are not there - she may be fine and only start complaining when you show up - this can be quite common.
And there is no problem in reducing your visits if you find them difficult. Give yourself time - it all takes some getting used to.
 

Dave63

Registered User
Apr 13, 2022
510
0
Honestly, we could put mum in a Ritz style care home with the Chippendale dancers and she still wouldn't like it. It's the illness unfortunately but your mum will probably settle after a while, especially if she has only recently moved into care. Try not to feel guilty, your mum is safe and being well looked after which is the most important thing.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
5,363
0
High Peak
Honestly, we could put mum in a Ritz style care home with the Chippendale dancers and she still wouldn't like it. It's the illness unfortunately but your mum will probably settle after a while, especially if she has only recently moved into care. Try not to feel guilty, your mum is safe and being well looked after which is the most important thing.
I said exactly the same thing about my mum! We all want our loved ones to be safe, cared for and happy but sometimes the latter isn't possible.

Although my mother didn't really appear depressed or miserable, she refused to mix at all during her last 3 years (in a care home) and moaned and complained to anyone who would listen every single day.

This is probably not what you want to hear @Flaming June but we can't fix everything.
 

Flaming June

Registered User
May 25, 2024
13
0
Thank you. I visited her yesterday and she was even more miserable than usual... Just lying on her bed as if she was waiting to die... Nothing I could do or say would persuade her to go to the lounge or garden on a lovely day. It must be linked to this - the fact I had terrible 'shouting' nightmares last night, theme of failure, of not being good enough, and it being made public in front of a crowd. But, then, I never was good enough for her, a disappointment from birth (being a girl)... Having a difficult relationship with my mum makes this episode even more stressful and depressing...
 

Knitandpurl

Registered User
Aug 9, 2021
922
0
Lincolnshire
I think it is time to give your Guilt Monster the boot. Sounds like your Mum has been using it all your life, and for her you and everything else will never be good enough. The dementia has only made it worse. So accept this and stop ‘playing the game’. If you only want to go once a month then only go once a month, and decide in advance how long you are going to stay, 30 mins, 1 hour, whatever, and only stay that long . Alternatively you could try (or as well as) only visiting in the lounge, when activities on etc. Remember you cannot change anyone else’s behaviour, only your own.
 

Kristo

Registered User
Apr 10, 2023
136
0
I really feel for you, the only advice I can give is to echo what everyone has already said. You have done the absolute best for your mum, it is time for you to pass the baton on to the carers now, and let them deal with her emotions. Reduce your visits if you can, it will be hard at first but you will soon feel the benefits of being out of an atmosphere which is so upsetting for you. Yes, your mum can’t help having dementia but also you didn’t ask for any of this to happen, you have met all of her wishes and it sounds like she will not be happy wherever she is.

What helped me was when my mum reminded me that I only saw my dad once a week or so when he was living at home, so there was no need to try and visit every day or every other day just because he was in a care home. All that does is feed the guilt monster. Good luck, try to be as kind to yourself as you have been to your mum x
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,896
0
My mother in law was like this when she went into care . Even when she was at home she was never happy way before the dementia diagnosis. My husband only visited once a fortnight and that was out of a sense of duty. As soon as the abuse and accusations started he just left. It's not an easy situation, you have my sympathy
 
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canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,464
0
South coast
(((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) @Flaming June

Please remember that none of this is your fault.
It isnt that you are not good enough, or are a failure. It is almost impossible to get someone with dementia to do something that they dont want to and no0one in the care home will judge you for this.

It sounds to me as though your mum still remembers which buttons to press to keep you "in line" so she is still doing it to keep your attention. When you were a child she held all the power, but now she doesnt - please remember that when you are together you are the only adult in her room, so dont allow her to play those games and dont let her see that things are getting to you. If she doesnt want to do something, just let it pass. Mum went through a stage of saying she was dying and I was just very brisk with her and said "yes mum, we are all dying, but I dont think it will be today!" then changed the subject. I also used to bring in a cake, or her favourite sweets as a present and if she said she didnt want them I just said, OK, but Ill leave them on the table if you change your mind. 5 mins later she would be tucking in.
 

Toopie28

Registered User
Jun 7, 2022
330
0
Mum has dementia. We took her out of a care home she hated and moved her into the best we could find - and believe me we visited every care home in the locality - and beyond!! Of course mum hates this one too, hates the staff, hates the other residents, all of whom are very nice. She just sits in her room, refusing to get involved in the many activities, saying she's never been so fed up or miserable in her life, doesn't see the point of life and wants to die. Complains that we've just 'dumped' her there - on loop.

We moved heaven and earth to find her a lovely home and it's soul destroying, heart breaking and so very depressing. I dread visiting her, because it'll just be more of the same...

We've done our level best to make her happy but she continues to be as miserable as sin. And, as ever, it's all about her, never us.

Ideally, I want to reduce my visits to, say, once a month as it's so depressing!!! But I feel so guilty... Help!!
Yup, exactly the same here. Spent more than a year researching. And the emotional turmoil to take her there and... well, you know.

Ma keeps telling me she's gong to jump out of the window and kill herself. I got so frustrated one day that I told her it would do no good since she was on the first floor 🙈

Everyday that I went/go into the home, I hate it. Hate everything about it. Get myself riled up before every visit and every phone call. And for what? Guilt, guilt, guilt.

At a particularly bad point, I stayed away for a week. I needed it, to recharge. So you need to recharge.

And I'm not sure if your Mum remembers, but I could go every day and stay for hours and the next day it's "where have you been? You've been gone for months..."

It's so, so hard but what else can you do? She's safe. She's well taken care of. That's all you can do.
 

Flaming June

Registered User
May 25, 2024
13
0
Fantastic replies here, thank you so much, you've really helped me decide what I should do re visiting, guilt, etc. Went to see her today... Same old thing... So reading your lovely replies just now has helped so much. 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
 

Greenock15

New member
Jun 18, 2024
5
0
Mum has dementia. We took her out of a care home she hated and moved her into the best we could find - and believe me we visited every care home in the locality - and beyond!! Of course mum hates this one too, hates the staff, hates the other residents, all of whom are very nice. She just sits in her room, refusing to get involved in the many activities, saying she's never been so fed up or miserable in her life, doesn't see the point of life and wants to die. Complains that we've just 'dumped' her there - on loop.

We moved heaven and earth to find her a lovely home and it's soul destroying, heart breaking and so very depressing. I dread visiting her, because it'll just be more of the same...

We've done our level best to make her happy but she continues to be as miserable as sin. And, as ever, it's all about her, never us.

Ideally, I want to reduce my visits to, say, once a month as it's so depressing!!! But I feel so guilty... Help!!
 

Greenock15

New member
Jun 18, 2024
5
0
I'm at the point with my mum, it's so depressing even a couple of times a week I find too much. As you say it's all my fault and she wants to move but it doesn't matter where to she will not settle. It goes over in my mind constantly that it's difficult to sleep and dealing with everything else in our own lives. I hope in time they settle down
 

Greenock15

New member
Jun 18, 2024
5
0
Yup, exactly the same here. Spent more than a year researching. And the emotional turmoil to take her there and... well, you know.

Ma keeps telling me she's gong to jump out of the window and kill herself. I got so frustrated one day that I told her it would do no good since she was on the first floor 🙈

Everyday that I went/go into the home, I hate it. Hate everything about it. Get myself riled up before every visit and every phone call. And for what? Guilt, guilt, guilt.

At a particularly bad point, I stayed away for a week. I needed it, to recharge. So you need to recharge.

And I'm not sure if your Mum remembers, but I could go every day and stay for hours and the next day it's "where have you been? You've been gone for months..."

It's so, so hard but what else can you do? She's safe. She's well taken care of. That's all you can do.
That's really all I can tell my mum and myself. She's safe. Doesn't do any good
 

Alisongs

Registered User
May 17, 2024
666
0
East of England
Sounds exactly like my mum! Went reluctantly and cursing into care home at 103.... A care home is not home, it is not where they want to be. Even going back home wouldn't solve the problem. The past is a different country, they do things differently there. My mum hadn't fended for herself for three years. That younger self just will not come back, except in photographs and memories. Very difficult. Distraction with making scrapbook of happelier times and places and reminiscence might help, mixed in with pictures and reminders of little things mum has enjoyed in thee new care home, even if its only fish and chips Friday, or visits from grandchildren.
Don't go every day. Send mum a picture postcard every now and then to look forward to in your absence. Make short visits just before a meal or activity so you can leave. If mum still complains, just say you have to go. Best of luck!