We've found a home

[Mummy's Girl]

Due to mum's constant wandering and being picked up at all hours and in all weathers by kindly people, we have come to the decision to find a home. I have been very logical about this unlike my sisters who have been resisting. My brothers are logical too.

My sisters have led the search and have found a lovely EMI unit VERY close to home (walking distance for all 5 of us). We have all visited it and I was the last to go last night, Despite being very logical about it (if we don't put her in full time care, we will find her under a bus or she will be attacked), it was a real shocker Not because of the state of the place or anything but the realisation hit me that my mum wouldn't be going home. I thought I had accepted it all.. the AD even, but it came rushing towards me like a train last night.

Everyone has been on holiday this week.... my sister who is main carer by default (she's at home child minding for me), our social worker and the home manager (who's mum is a friend of my mum ). This week has been so difficult as we've tried to piece the care together between us. She's been with me the last 2 days - all day which is not ideal when you've got a demanding 7 and a 4 yr old to deal with too. I left her at 6 pm last night and she was picked up by my niece at 8pm on her usual route through town. we are pretty sure she is heading to our old house as she's always onthe same (very very busy) road. I'm sure the same will happen again tonight. So Monday a.m we are putting the wheels in motion.

We are arranging assessments from SS and the Home. Mum can afford the first 3 months so this should mean we can get her in very quickly. I feel sooooo guilty but I know this will pass. The tables have turned and my sisters who were resisting are now pursuading me! I'm all for putting her in, but I feel so sad about it. I think she will be sooooo unhappy there as she is suddenly aware in those situations and this led to her being temporarily excluded from the day centre as she was so distressed.

Thanks again for all your never ending support and for listening - again! I am a stuck record sometimes but it feels so much better to write it down.

Karen

 

[noelphobic]

Hi Karen

So glad you have found somewhere for your mum. I know how difficult this can be, both on a practical and emotional level, having gone through it twice in just over a year!

The place you have found sounds ideal and I hope your mum settles in well. Hopefully it won't be as fraught as you anticipate.

 

[Mummy's Girl]

Thank you Brenda. It is so reassuring to know that you are not alone in this.

Karen

 

[Grannie G]

Hi Karen, good news indeed.

To find somewhere you feel happy about with someone you know on the staff, and within easy reach of all the family, sounds ideal.

I know you will still be upset when the day finally arrives, it`s a very big thing to happen and can`t be taken lightly, but there are so many positives, i really hope it will all go well for you and your mum.

Please keep us posted.

Love xx

 

[Áine]

Hi Karen

Glad to hear you've found somewhere you're happy with.

I thought I'd find it a huge relief once I'd sorted out a nursing home for dad. I was full of the worries you describe whilst he was at home - will he go out and get mugged, get lost, fall etc. But as soon as the reality of the nursing home hit me it felt dreadful.

I think whilst I was worried about him coming to grief at home it was difficult to see the downside of him being "safe" and "cared for" in a nursing home. Once the worries about wandering and being mugged are out of the picture, the upset of the reality of him never coming home again and all those sort of feelings have space to come to the surface.

Hopefully it will settle down OK for you. It sounds like a good place that you've found.

best wishes with it.

 

[Nell]

Your feelings are very normal ones. Of course it is hard for you now the decision has been made - Aine put it beautifully. Just keep remembering that you are all doing the RIGHT thing, in fact the ONLY thing you can do to keep your Mum safe. The home sounds terrific! Just hang in there, Karen, and remember you have all our good wishes behind you.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

It is an extremely upsetting day when we have to put our loved one in a home. But this is about safety and security for your mum.

No matter how logical we are, it's always an enormous shock when things are put in motion.

You are keeping your mother safe, this is the important thing.

Love
Joanne

 

[Mummy's Girl]

Thank you all.

The support here is fabulous and reading your responses really eases my worries. I am not the worst daughter in the world! We are doing the best for my mummy. She will be safe, she will be cared for, she will develop a new lease of life as she will be social again. Not sitting alone at home, crying.

Will keep you all posted.

Karen
xxx

 

[Skye]

I am not the worst daughter in the world! We are doing the best for my mummy. She will be safe, she will be cared for, she will develop a new lease of life as she will be social again. Not sitting alone at home, crying.

Well said, Karen! You know you're right. Just keep saying it to yourself. Write yourself a notice, and stick it to the fridge!

You're doing the right thing. I hope all goes well, keep us posted.

Love,

 

[Norman]

Hi Karen
I am in a similar position to you at this time.
We have found a home,a NH belonging to a large group.It is like a 4 star hotel.the staff are all friendly,the place seems ideal.
A room will be vacant in the next few weeks,assessments next week and then-----
My heart is breaking but the situation is "what happens when the carer cannot cope any longer.? That time has arrived.
It will be a big ordeal for me,almost 60 years married,hardly ever apart,but everyone talls me I have done my best and I hope that is true.
Norman

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Norman, You know it is true, deep down, you know you have done your best.

Just today, for me, it`s been so difficult. I haven`t felt well and could see my husband slipping deeper and deeper into loneliness and depression because I wasn`t `on the ball` for him.

You have been the sole carer for such a long time, you have refused to give in, but now is the time.

It will be heartbreaking for you, I know. There is no escape from it. But you sound impressed with the home and I sincerely hope it lives up to expectations.

You must be very tired.

Take care

Love xx

 

[Mummy's Girl]

Hello Norman

One of the things I keep telling myself is that mum's life will get better and so will mine... the time I will spend with mum will be quality time rather than worry and concern and day to day routine care. The family will still see her as often as we do now and she will still come out for Sunday dinner to our houses (5 children so we workon a 5weekly rota ). The only different thing is where we take her at night or where we come to visit her. But she will be safe.

It is so hard and in your situation even harder than mine... but you have done your best and you are still doing your best for her.

Hugs to you Norman (((norman)))

Karen
x

 

[Skye]

Dear Norman

I'm so sorry that you have had to come to this decision. I know how much you wanted to continue to care for Peg at home, it mut be heart-wrenching for you.

But you have done so much, and like the rest of us you are only human. There comes a time for most of us when we have to realise out limitations.

I know how heart-broken you are, but you have comforted so many people through this decision. Take comfort yourself. You have done all you possibly could, and now the time has come to let others take the strain. Not because you love less, but because you love Peg enough to see that she now needs the care of professionals.

I know you will visit her, and love her, and care just as much as before. Have no doubt that everyone who knows you knows you have done your best, and will continue to do your best.

Love,

 

[Tender Face]

Dear Norman ..... what to say ......????? You have not only done your best for Peg but shared so much of that here for the benefit of others ......

Karen ........ well done ..... I find it so hard to be logical at times when there is so much emotion - but you must know - as Norman - as so many others that have shared this situation and their pain - that this is the right and best thing to do ...... it breaks my heart even thinking about it - and I'm only in the 'hypothetical stage' ...... I admire you all for having the courage to make those decisions ..... and for sharing it here for those at the beginning of the journey who can only start (if we dare) to imagine your pain ......

My love goes out to you, Karen (TF Karen), x

 

[angela.robinson]

So Sorry Norman ,that You And Your Peg Have Come To This Stageof The Journey, You Must Be Devastated .you Are One Of The Many Here On Tp That Have Gone The Extra Mile And Now Recognise You Have Come To Breaking Point . And Realize Peg Needs More Care Than You Can Now Give Her . Well Done For The Years You Have Devoted To Her , And The Future You Will Continue To. Heres Wishing You Strenght To Get Through This Ordeal .
Angela.xx

 

[Nell]

{{{HUGS}}} for Norman