I will try this and hope it works. My Mum is verbal and does remember quite a lot, but Mum looks so lost and lonely which is heartbreaking. And Mum does struggle to communicate all her needs and is actually afraid to express herself because of how my Dad overtalks her, belittles her, silences her, makes out she doesn't know what she is talking about or what she is doing. l will use my facial expressions to reassure my Mum that she is seen, heard, understood, appreciated, loved, wanted, important and most definitely not alone. My Dad has been giving my Mums things away to charity treating Mum as if she does not exist or as if she just doesn't matter, he asks what she is doing with almost every move she makes unless sat still, Mum can't look at her own things because Dad takes them off her demanding to know what she thinks she's doing and where she is going with her own things, he takes them off her and puts them away. He has got rid of things I bought for my Mum that she really liked. Mum has now taken to hiding things that. anyone gives her, not because of her dementia making her hide things, but because she is afraid of my Dad getting rid of her things if he finds them. He needs to stop this. he cannot be spoken with as he becomes aggressive and angry which scares my Mum, he had Sepsis in 2018 - 2019 and in 2020 and 21 and 22 has had seizures he has changed, he is not rational enough to converse with, without him becoming aggressive and angry, he blames Mum for all missing things when mostly it is him not remembering he had whatever and moved it, he makes Mum feel worthless and puts her down for. things she can't do anymore, he mocks her dementia talking about Mum in front of other people as if Mum can't comprehend or hear. Mum understands a lot more than him. I hate his behaviour and how he treats not only my Mum but me too. He has a tender heart, a loving heart and the most protective hands to hold and genuine things loving caring hugs, but he is a control freak, a sexisit and a bully too. He shouts people down if they confront him about his behaviour and he throws/smashes/slams things aggressively trying to intimidate people "women especially" into silence by use of aggressive and displays of violence upon things. He wouldn't dare treat another man the way he does my Mum and I, he doesn't treat Mum's friends the way he treats us, he knows if he did they would not tolerate it, they are big women. Mum and I are not, he uses his male strength, height and aggression to intimidate and have only his will and why heard. He puts Mum down saying your Mum would have nothing if it weren't for me, this is my house, I can destroy, break, damage whatever I want in it because l paid for it/built it etc. He some years ago had fitted the kitchen of Mums dreams, but deliberately mistreated it as a show of power over Mum daring her to object so he could then shout her down and remind her it his, he paid for it. He wanted Mum to grovel for everything at his feet. He forgets Mum worked hard earning money too, and worked hard making the house nice, doing the vat for his business along with her own employment and looking after twwo children plus him making sure everything was just as he wanted it so he didn't slam and smash things and throw aggressive violent wobbles. Mum pander to his every whim and demand out of fear of his temperament and her not liking violence, aggression or shouting. Dad would toy with her disrespectfully, Mum made us all beautiful meals, he never thanked her, Mum kept the house clean, homely and welcoming always even when unwell herself. Dad has always treat Mum like dirt yet she defends him out of fear. My Dad has made my Mum ill after all she has silently tolerated from him lovingly over the years and he is still so arrogant and full of his own greatness that he just can't see or admit to just how much Mum did for him above and beyond. Other women would have told him where to go and what to do with himself. He barks commands at Mum, at me as if we are dogs he can command that will drop everything at the snap of his fingers and do exactly as he commands when he commands. He yells at Mum to SIT DOWN!!! when it is dinner time or just commands SIT!!! And poor Mum just shuffles and sits head down not looking at him. I love him dearly but actually hate him too for how he treats my Mum more than for how he treats me. He tells me - Oh your Mum can't do anything anymore! Dad takes things off Mum if she doesn't do things quickly enough and takes over, he barges Mum out of the way, he doesn't hit Mum, at least I don't think he does, but it doesn't take much at all for him to explode and Mum does love him, but does also feel threaded and on edge because of him not daring to speak or disagree with him, andr simply not speaking because of how he behaves and explodes. And I don't know how to stop him doing this before he makes my Mum die from being completely controlled by him. I believe Mum even tries to breathe quietly in bed incase he snaps at her. I want him to stop this controlling and bullying. Nobody stands up to him, only me, but then Mum turns on me because she's scared of his behaviour and knows he will verbally take it out on her, or that he will be aggressive in the house shouting, raging, slamming, throwing and smashing things down. He has taken on the sole of Mum's full time carer, but what he has done is since Mum's actual diagnosis he has taken over full control of Mum not allowing her to do things that Mum can actually do for herself perfectly well. and made Mum reliant upon him scared to do anything herself incase he goes off at her scaring her and belittling her. I just can't stand it, I want to get my Mum well away from his controlling grasp. Mum mostly just sits alone all day after their morning walk to the shop and back unless her friends visit or Dad is commanding her to do something that is of benefit only to him treating her like a brainless dogsbody!!! How do I stop him? Help please. ?
Mum does struggle to communicate all her needs
- Thread starter Debi_is_Worried
- Start date
Hello @Debi_is_Worried
That sounds a very difficult situation for you.
I must say though, that whenever I hear stories like this I find myself wondering whether the partner has dementia too.
There are lots of red flags in your description of your dad, the way he has changed, the way he cannot understand how to deal with your mum, the way he is moving things but forgetting and blaming your mum, the aggression, you describe him as not being rational enough to talk to. Even his history of sepsis and a seizure is concerning.
Please please contact your parents GP about this. The GP may not be able to talk to you because of confidentiality, so I would recommend that you write a good old-fashioned letter explaining all your concerns (maybe bullet-point them to make is easier to read) and send it/hand it in to the doctor.
That sounds a very difficult situation for you.
I must say though, that whenever I hear stories like this I find myself wondering whether the partner has dementia too.
There are lots of red flags in your description of your dad, the way he has changed, the way he cannot understand how to deal with your mum, the way he is moving things but forgetting and blaming your mum, the aggression, you describe him as not being rational enough to talk to. Even his history of sepsis and a seizure is concerning.
Please please contact your parents GP about this. The GP may not be able to talk to you because of confidentiality, so I would recommend that you write a good old-fashioned letter explaining all your concerns (maybe bullet-point them to make is easier to read) and send it/hand it in to the doctor.
@Debi_is_Worried What an extremely difficult situation for you all. There is help and support out there for you and your mum. Contacting the GP is a good suggestion, and if you can, please give the dementia support line a call. They are friendly and helpful and will know what to do to help your mum. They open at 9.00am today and their number is: 0333 150 3456
www.alzheimers.org.uk
Dementia Support Line
If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.
www.alzheimers.org.uk