OH to go into care hopefully next week. Have now set wheels in motion. Social worker agreed he needs somewhere that can cope with challenging behaviour, so the one I had chosen... Now manager coming to do their assessment next week with a view to immediate admission. OH agreed to respite to social worker but she and home know this is likely to be permanent. Hitting home now that the husband I have slowly lost really will soon be living elsewhere. No doubts though it us time as over last 2 days he has: tried to drag me across car while driving by my hair, been so aggressive at daycare I had to come fetch him after less than an hour, then topped it off by insisting tonight he would get in the bath and getting stuck as I knew he would. Once again I had to lift him out. Add to this peeing all over bed and duvet and whacking me on the foot with his walking stick and it's hard not to feel relief now. But I will be very weepy all the same when it happens. Yes, I know I can still provide care in visits etc but nearly 50 years together now ending. Feeling sad...
Well I've done it... care home being organized
- Thread starter Pots and Pans
- Start date
@Pots and Pans , it is such a difficult decision to make but it does sound like you have to do it. From my experience I think you know when it is time. That doesn’t make it any easier. Expect good and bad days . Here’s hoping he settles well and that you begin to come to terms with it and start to find yourself again. I will be thinking of you both x
I'm glad to hear something should be happening next week @Pots and Pans . In the meantime don't hesitate to phone the police if you feel in danger.
It will be hard @Pots and Pans but once he has moved you will realise that it is best for both of you. Re-reading your post at the top of this thread should tell you that. I didn't have anything like the sort of aggression that you describe but what my wife needed was more than I could provide. She moved to her care home as a 'trial' but as soon as I got home after dropping her off the first day I knew that she would never be coming back. And I realised just what I had been doing, how many compromises I had made, and the extraordinary lengths I hade gone to just to keep her at home.
I miss her of course, but as she was before dementia wreaked havoc, not as the person she became. Now, in her care home she seems content and is comfortable in my presence. A mere sliver of our former relationship has returned and I am grateful for that. It would never have happened if she had stayed here with me.
The time has now come for you to face this hurdle and I wish you the very best. Remember that you are still a couple even if living apart. Hang on to your memories of better times and don't think that your life together is over.
I miss her of course, but as she was before dementia wreaked havoc, not as the person she became. Now, in her care home she seems content and is comfortable in my presence. A mere sliver of our former relationship has returned and I am grateful for that. It would never have happened if she had stayed here with me.
The time has now come for you to face this hurdle and I wish you the very best. Remember that you are still a couple even if living apart. Hang on to your memories of better times and don't think that your life together is over.
Update. Went in this morning for what OH had agreed to be a one-week respite, though social worker, care home and me all anticipate he may not return. Hoping he settles or it will get complicated if he says he won't stay. Difficult start as he seemed happy initially with cake etc, then got anxious as I wasn't with him so came into office where I was signing stuff. When said at this point he'd be staying there tonight he threw a wobble. Loads of verbal at me accompanied by whacks with stick and finally a punch to my jaw! Staff brilliant, but not the way I wanted to leave him....
at least you know that he is in the right place and you have a rest without aggression. i hope he settles quickly
Thank you. Right now feel like half my heart torn out. Love him so much and know it isn't him hitting me and shouting all the time . .. it's the Alzheimer's ( mixed with vascular too). But can't avoid this step - social worker calls his needs 'severe' and only this one home nearby (half an hour drive) was suitable as it has EMI and other dementia units wouldn't take him with the level of aggression present. Hope I can visit soon and see him smiling again - and not have to go through courts etc if he challenges it and refuses to stay, despite all professionals I have seen saying he now needs this. Or find he is back with me, and now hates me. Home have advised I leave it a week before a visit and will call me to update - we have rarely been apart for a week for 49 years... and of course for last few years every day has revolved around his needs. Have a friend coming to stay today but no doubt life now totally changed.
This happened to me @Pots and Pans. My husband thought I would be staying with him.
Your husband doesn't`t hate you, you know that. He is confused and frustrated and doesn't`t understand what is happening.
If he refuses to stay, does he have the wherewithal to get himself home? I doubt it.
Hold tight. The time will come when your visits will provide better memories. If your husband becomes aggressive while he is settling in, you will be able to leave him in trusted hands. If he is calm you will be able to enjoy some good times with him.
Serious violence is a red flag, he cannot return to live with you if that means putting you in danger as it clearly does. This has to be permanent. Ask the care home management to liaise with the local authority about deprivation of liberty safeguards. This is a procedure to permit the care home to detain him so that he cannot go out and catch a bus home. You won't need to go to court. Time for tough love to replace romantic love I am afraid.
Yes, DOLS is done. And they've talked to me about possibly more medication if necessary which I have okd (affects his mobility so was not safe at home if he took mire, but would be ok in care setting). Don't feel guilty - just awful seeing someone you love more distressed due to decision I made.
@Grannyg no he couldn't get home by himself. Hasn't even got a key so no one else could bring him either.
It was my mum who moved into a care home, rather than a spouse, but when mum moved into her care home she was totally paranoid, constantly wanted to "go home" (though the home was her childhood home), thought that I was abusing her and that I was the daughter from hell. Once she settled (took about 6 weeks) the paranoia lifted and I became her daughter who she loved again.
Hang in there. A similar thing may happen to your husband. He is frightened and confused, but once he settles the care home environment and simple routine may settle his fears too.
Hang in there. A similar thing may happen to your husband. He is frightened and confused, but once he settles the care home environment and simple routine may settle his fears too.
@Pots and Pans, the violence alone means that you have reached the end of the road caring for your husband at home. It is the disease not your husband but that makes no difference as living with violence is intolerable and unacceptable. I hope that in time he will settle in the care home and that you will be able to have more of a husband / wife relationship free from fear.
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