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Welcome to Talking Point - introduce yourself here

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dustyanswer

Registered User
Jun 23, 2015
12
My Dad has Alzheimer's

Hi,

My Dad was diagnosed today. I know a little about the condition (and incidentally would recommend reading "Elizabeth is Missing"!), and know that I am going to lose the person who is my Dad at some point.

I'm finding the whole thing a little overwhelming and already know that I am his carer.

Any words of encouragement or tips would be more than welcome.

Thank you.

:eek:
 

PeterD2

Registered User
Mar 11, 2015
7
Hello All

My Mum has Alzheimer's and has been living at home with me as her carer. Things were OK until about a month ago, her medication was changed and she became very agitated and was taken into hospital. They've given her new medication and we are now looking at a care plan to get her back home.

I've quite a few questions to ask

Pete
 

chick1962

Registered User
Apr 3, 2014
11,282
near Folkestone
My Mum has Alzheimer's and has been living at home with me as her carer. Things were OK until about a month ago, her medication was changed and she became very agitated and was taken into hospital. They've given her new medication and we are now looking at a care plan to get her back home.

I've quite a few questions to ask

Pete
Just fire away :) welcome Pete you find there are lots of us here who are more then willing to share their experiences


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

smcgurnaghan

Registered User
Jun 30, 2015
9
Ireland
Hello

Hello,

My name is Shaneen, my nannie (colloquial term for grandmother) recently passed away. She had been suffering from dementia for several years, an experience that my whole family found extremely difficult.

When she passed, I wrote several pieces reflecting on the disease and on her life. I have been encouraged by my family to publish these pieces as they feel that they might also bring other people comfort; so I decided to join Talking Point.
I'm not entirely sure where to post these pieces but this seems like a helpful and welcoming community.

Even if I can help one person out there through this, it will be wholly worthwhile. :)
 

chick1962

Registered User
Apr 3, 2014
11,282
near Folkestone
Hello Shaneen :) what a lovely name . You could post it in the tea room . I for one would love to read them . Maybe the moderators know of a better place to post them here . Welcome to TP :) very sorry to hear about your grandmother xxx


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smcgurnaghan

Registered User
Jun 30, 2015
9
Ireland
Hello Shaneen :) what a lovely name . You could post it in the tea room . I for one would love to read them . Maybe the moderators know of a better place to post them here . Welcome to TP :) very sorry to hear about your grandmother xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
Thank you very much!
I think I'm going to post them in the After dementia - dealing with the loss forum for now, as that's where they're likely to be most helpful.
 

Annie J46

Registered User
Jul 6, 2015
4
I am a carer

Hi All,

My name is Ann and my Mum is 89. I'm worried as she has recently started saying that whist she was on holiday someone has been at home and changed her cooker, washing machine, fridge, bed, chest of drawers and multiple other items. My brother lives with her and none of these things have been replaced. Now she refuses to sleep on the bed so I have had to buy a new one.
I have spoken to her doctor and she has sent a referral to the memory clinic. Is this the right course of action and is there something I should be doing or saying as both my Mum and I are frustrated.
I hope someone can help.

Thanks in advance, Ann
 

Long-Suffering

Registered User
Jul 6, 2015
425
New Member

Hello everyone,

I've just discovered this website and I hope to be able to talk with others who have a parent/parents with dementia.

My dad is almost 80 and has been showing signs of dementia for around 2 years now. My mum is 75 and has suffered from mental illness all her life. They live together and my mum is my dad's prime carer. I have lived abroad for over 20 years (mainly due to the very difficult relationship with my mother), but I keep in touch and talk to them on Skype every single day for 30 minutes.

The situation with my father's health has been very difficult and gets worse. He doesn't even have an official diagnosis for the type of dementia he has. The doctors have tried, but due to my mum's lack of cooperation and habit of arguing with everyone, no one has been able to make much progress. She fights and blocks most suggestions the medics make. I organised carers to go in every day, but mum had them stopped because she didn't like it. She has always been very domineering and my dad has always obeyed her every command. His dementia means that she now has 100% control of him and treats him like a pot plant. There has always been an element of jealousy in our relationship (she has always seen me as competition for my dad's attention) and now she is limiting my communication with him more and more. This came to a head last night. I was talking to my dad on Skype and he was having a rare moment of clarity and telling me about a book he had started to try to read. She just barged straight in and broke up the conversation, talking over him or "helping him talk" as she always does. Though I was angry, I kept calm and asked her not to do that, and she immediately got angry and tried to blow it all up into a big fight, and then when I refused to rise to the bait, she resorted to insulting me with the most hurtful things she could think of, so I just switched Skype off.

That is pretty much a typical situation with my mother. We should all be focusing on my dad's illness, but what my mum focuses on is herself and how his illness affects her. She has never once said to me that she wants to find the best treatment for him. In fact she discourages any contact with doctors or care workers because it inconveniences her.

I have been in touch with the social services, my parents' GP and the local hospital by phone and email for the last year, but feel I am getting nowhere. They take weeks or even months to reply and often do not follow through with what they said they would do. One example - a nurse went round to try to talk to my dad weeks ago. My mum argued with her, so the nurse left. I mailed the carer in charge of my dad's case. She didn't reply for 3 weeks. It then took her another 2 weeks to contact the nurse to ask what happened and get back to me. She promised to send me contact details of the nurse's manager. She hasn't. She promised to contact my parents last week to arrange to go and see them. She hasn't.

My dad has had to be admitted to hospital several times for other ailments. Before Çhristmas he was in for 2 weeks. When he came home, we found he had lost 5 kilos. It turned out they hadn't been feeding him (he can't feed himself). They were also allowing him to wander off around the hospital. He lost his glasses. I phoned the hospital and the nurse said "Oh he probably threw his glasses in a bin when he was wandering around". I was disgusted.

I am ill long term myself and unable to travel over to try and sort things out, so I am online to them every day, helplessly watching this train wreck happen. It just gets worse and worse. My dad's dementia is so bad now that he needs an eye on him 24/7. He can't feed himself, go to the toilet himself, etc. Mum alternates between trying to cope and completely losing it. I can understand how frustrated and exhausted she is, but she won't let anyone help her. She cancelled the carers and points out how bad his hospital care has been and I have to agree with that. But when she snaps she is physically and verbally abusive to him. The social services opened a case against her last year because she admitted she had hit him. That was sorted out, but she still shoves him around and last week there was a scare about her having possibly broken his wrist. She had thrown something while angry and it had accidentally hit him (that was her story). I have asked him if he would like to go and stay in a care facility and get away from her bullying, but he says no, he wants to stay with mum however mean she is to him. After seeing how poor the care was when he was in hospital, I don't want him to go into care either. I think if he went in, he would pine away and be dead within a year.

So we are stuck in this awful situation. I was so stressed about it last night that I couldn't sleep. I will try to talk to them again on Skype tonight, but knowing my mother she will either refuse to talk to me to "punish" me, or else she will deliberately bully my dad about the argument she had with me in order to upset him and then she will blame me for upsetting him to make me feel guilty. This is one of her preferred methods of manipulating and controlling us now. If I try to discuss something about dad's care with her and my opinion is different to hers, she deliberately starts an argument and shouts. The loud shouting makes dad cry immediately and then she says "Look what you did. You made your father cry". Of course, I feel terrible, even though I can see what she is doing.

If you've read all this, thanks. It's all a mass of mixed up information, I know. I am just at the end of my rope - I don't know where to go from here.

LS
 

oldman1952

Registered User
Apr 4, 2014
45
Vascular dementia an lack of communication between departments

To PINKJD hi there, sorry I am so long in replying to your post. You mentioned that he remembers the past but has problems with every day conversations. This is a typical symptom of A/D. One way around it is reminiscence therapy, it sounds complicated but it is quite easy to do. Firstly where does your dad feel happy when looking back over his life. Try to find that place and time he enjoys talking about. He will become frustrated and sometimes depressed because he is lost in the here and now. His words are in his head and he thinks that everything is lost when you do not understand what he is trying to get over to you.

Find that place and date, then have a conversation with him about it. i.e. He might have been a good fly fisherman. You never forget something you loved doing. The technical side of fly fishing is learned over many years, not in a day. Ask him if he can recall how he first started learning to fly fish and why. That is just the start. Make up a scrap book about his life then and now. Does it really matter if he is thinking and even living in the past. Trying to use reality orientation in the here and now can get in the way of having a happy Dad rather than an unhappy Dad. Older music, black and white films, war films and documentaries about the second world war, Ration books. The list is endless. Start at his and your own pace, have a laugh over a cuppa. Enjoy what you have now. Best Regards Oldman1952
 

oldman1952

Registered User
Apr 4, 2014
45
Long Suffering and the reasons why!

Hello Moderator, when I see a post as I have seen today regarding a complex situation I feel that I must give a listening ear to the person concerned. I understand that the introduction page is not for this purpose, but where can Long Suffering go to, to let off steam as she/he has done. I would like to listen more and give some constructive words. Your help in this matter is required. Thank you Oldman1952
 

stanleypj

Registered User
Dec 8, 2011
10,707
North West
Sorry oldman, our posts crossed. I was answering long-suffering's specific query about where he should post. There's no problem about any member responding to a new member on this thread. It's very helpful.
 

widdy

Registered User
May 26, 2015
16
Widdy

Hello everyone my name is Theresa and mum has dementia she is 87 this December. No one has told me what type of dementia she has but she has been suffering now for the last 6 years. This May we had to make the decision to get her into a nursing home as the self contained flat she had with carers coming in to give her medication and feed her was no longer an option. I never know from one day to the next what I am going to find when i visit her. Just lately she seems to just walk around from chair to chair and sit for a few minutes then off she goes again. She seems very settled in the home and the nurses says she is fine. For the first time on Monday while I was with her she shouted out to someone who was not there and was talking to them. Mum is and was a gentle lady who cared about her appearance and her manners please GOD this will not change. I am not even sure at what stage she is on this long road of a horrible illness.
 

2ndhandrose

Registered User
Jul 13, 2015
1
Hi everyone,
I have joined the group as my Mum has recently been confirmed as experiencing Alzheimers and hope to share experiences / advice in the good / harder times ahead.
 
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