Welcome to Talking Point - introduce yourself here

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karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,114
N Ireland
Hello @Soltice, welcome to posting on TP. If you have been looking at the site since you joined the forum you will know that this is a friendly, informative and supportive place.
I think the first place to start is getting your Mum to the doctor so that you know what you are dealing with as many things can cause the behaviour you describe and most things can be cured/managed.
It is often suggested that it's a good idea to get the person to the GP by arranging something like a well-woman check-up and bringing a letter listing all of the issues you note to give to the doctor so that they know to have a check of mental function during the general examination.
 

Sootypig

New member
Apr 8, 2018
2
My husband was officially diagnosed with Alzheimers 3 years ago although had noticed small changes at least 5 years before that. I had been trying to persuade him to get checked out for about two years before he would eventually agree to go. Life has become more and more difficult as his memory, eye sight and mobility has decreased. He is on a cocktail of meds. Clopidogrel, Donepezil and Abixa all of which seem to have helped to a certain extent.
What makes our situation much harder is that we live where we have worked for many years in a fairly remote part of an Asian country. His doctor is an hour away by plane in the nearest major cityand the local health care has little or no understanding of dementia. There is no help or support for dementia at all locally.
We have talked earlier on about going back to UK but he was absolutely adamant that he doesn't want this. I want his time to be in a place he loves and has been happy. But often I feel so alone.I am so scared how I am going to have the strength to manage this on my own. There are no respite care or homes for elderly no understanding social workers or doctors. Fortunately as help is cheap I hope to be able to pay for a carer when things get really too hard. Medical provisions here are very basic and there are no sophisticated methods to keep people alive so in some respects decisions are easier. Its just good for me to know that there are others out there who have bad days and are not as nice as they would like to be. To learn to forgive yourself for getting frustrated.To know its ok to go into the bathroom and have a good cry or even to have a couple of glasses of wine in an evening when you no longer like your husbands behaviour even though you love the old guy to bits. thank you for being there so that I know i have someone to talk to
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,114
N Ireland
Hello @Sootypig, welcome to TP, you will find this a friendly and supportive place. If you have any specific questions do feel free to start your own thread as that way more people will see the query and are more likely to reply.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,114
N Ireland
By the way @Sootypig, I totally understand your position concerning your location. I have had to change my life plans because of my wife’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis for the very reasons you outline. We spend a few months each year in a country without the required backup so we now won’t be settling abroad as we planned and eventually probably won’t be able to undertake our current level of travel. It’s very hard.
 

queenisis

New member
Apr 9, 2018
1
Hi, unfortunately my mum has dementia, I am trying to set up a care package for her, power of attorney etc, I'm hoping to find some support on here.
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
6,361
Bristol
Hi, unfortunately my mum has dementia, I am trying to set up a care package for her, power of attorney etc, I'm hoping to find some support on here.
Welcome to TP @queenisis, you will certainly get plenty of support on here. As for power of attorney, we got good guidance on my OH giving me POA from AgeUK. Something which came up in carers group last week on care packages was that they can always be reviewed and added to later, so you can start with the basics and speak to social services and to your mum's care provider as you go along.

Best wishes,
Rob
 

Soltice

Registered User
Jul 3, 2017
9
Leicester
Hello @Soltice, welcome to posting on TP. If you have been looking at the site since you joined the forum you will know that this is a friendly, informative and supportive place.
I think the first place to start is getting your Mum to the doctor so that you know what you are dealing with as many things can cause the behaviour you describe and most things can be cured/managed.
It is often suggested that it's a good idea to get the person to the GP by arranging something like a well-woman check-up and bringing a letter listing all of the issues you note to give to the doctor so that they know to have a check of mental function during the general examination.

Hello @karaokePete thanks for the welcome. Been noting down her changes for some time now and I have mentioned before to mum maybe she should see the doctor for checks but she won't budge and is convinced its me and she Is fine. So I am a bit stuck as to what to do. I can't force her to go.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,114
N Ireland
Hello @karaokePete thanks for the welcome. Been noting down her changes for some time now and I have mentioned before to mum maybe she should see the doctor for checks but she won't budge and is convinced its me and she Is fine. So I am a bit stuck as to what to do. I can't force her to go.
Sometimes people with dementia react better to an authority figure so if it’s possible to arrange something like a BP check or Wellwoman check and get the surgery to send a request they may go because ‘the doctor has called them in’. You can maybe agree something with the surgery and let them know your concerns at the same time. I know it’s difficult for many and I’ve been lucky not to have had to face this problem myself.
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,603
East of England
My husband was called in by the surgery ‘to review his physiotherapy’ in his case but any condition would work. He kept saying that he didn’t know why he was going and afterwards kept saying that the doctor didn’t do anything. He had agreed that I could go with him so I was able to help because he would not have been able to answer any of the questions. He would have said that he was fine. So if you can follow karaokePete’s suggestion that might work as long as you can go too. The doctors will help if they are aware of the situation.
 

Soltice

Registered User
Jul 3, 2017
9
Leicester
Sometimes people with dementia react better to an authority figure so if it’s possible to arrange something like a BP check or Wellwoman check and get the surgery to send a request they may go because ‘the doctor has called them in’. You can maybe agree something with the surgery and let them know your concerns at the same time. I know it’s difficult for many and I’ve been lucky not to have had to face this problem myself.
Thank you for your reply, I never gave it a thought that you could do this and it is something i will be persuing now. I need some answers as to the things she does and says it truely is like living with a stranger at times.
 

Daisy j

Registered User
Apr 10, 2018
10
My mom was diagnosed January this year with early onset Alzheimer's. Even though we suspected it, it was still quite a shock. Trawling through all the red tape and realising what could be in store is very worrying. I have been through every emotion possible. Moms memory is the worst along with confusion about it all. She has always been dependant all her life on everyone to sort things, firstly my dad and after he passed 9 years ago my brother and me have dealt with all financial affairs/health matters. She can look after herself, go shopping, garden and general housework but it's her inability to understand things out of her control that gets to her. I get angry, not at her, but at the situation. I then feel guilty for not doing more. At times it can be overwhelming dealing with her as she constantly phones needing reassurance about appointments, medication and visitors. I know reading some of the threads on here that everyone's progress is different. Also not knowing if you are doing the right thing worries me. Am I doing enough, am I taking over too much and not giving my mom credit for what she can do. Anyway I look forward to what I can gain through this site.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,114
N Ireland
Welcome to the site @Daisy j. I see that you have been looking around the site and I must say I still do that as it’s a gold mine as far as information is concerned.
Your emotional turmoil so soon after diagnosis is normal and is caused by what is called anticipatory grief. I was in the same position as I expected my wife’s diagnosis but still felt like I’d been hit by a bus when it was officially announced. I found that getting busy with all that needed to be done thereafter such as wills, granting of POA etc etc enabled me to get through that grief.
Don’t let yourself get eaten by guilt about doing enough. The fact that you are on here writing about that indicates to me that you are the type of person who will be doing as much as you can and no one can do more. You mention your concern about taking over too much and that is a good point. I let my wife do as much as she can and even help with the things she can’t manage alone as that’s important for their confidence and self esteem. Depression can become an issue if confidence and self esteem drop.
Be kind to yourself and good luck. Don’t forget that TP is here if you need information or advice or, even, just support from a group of people in the same position as yourself.
 

luce3003

New member
Apr 12, 2018
8
Hi everyone
I've joined as even though my nan hasn't had an actual diagnosis yet, due to how she is and family history mum and I are convinced she has a form of dementia. Just looking to get advice and support through the forums where possible - I have had a quick read through a few and everyone seems so lovely and supportive, even when they are having to deal with such upsetting situations! So thank you all in advance, I'm sure I'll be able to find help here (even if it's just having someone listen to a rant!)
:)
 

nellbelles

Volunteer Host
Nov 6, 2008
8,562
leicester
Hi @luce3003 welcome to TP, I hope you can find the information you want here, over the years the forum has amassed a huge input from a practical and knowledgeable group of people.
Please feel free to ask us anything that concerns you.
 

Mamabop

New member
Mar 20, 2018
7
Welcome to TP @Mamabop, sorry you and your mum are in this situation.
I'm not really sure where to start, if your mum is in denial she probably won't accept outside carers. Have you spoken to your local Alzhemers Society office to see what facilities they have, like memory cafes where you can meet other carers and your mum can enjoy the activities. A wee white lie where you just tell her it's a community social club or something may help to persuade her. The other place which may help would be your local carers centre who should have some carers support groups.

Good luck and best wishes.
Thank you - I will have a look at the links you have posted. Memory cafes and daytime activities are not possible at the moment as I am working full-time, but I'm taking early retirement in September which should help.
 

Mamabop

New member
Mar 20, 2018
7
Hi there @Mamabop and welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum but I'm glad that you've found Talking Point. You'll find lots of help and support here. @nae sporran has already given you some ideas.

Now that you've introduced yourself you might want to think about starting your own thread. You may receive more responses from other members, and also be able to use the discussion to share other information and keep other members updated on how things are going.

At the top, you'll see a button called 'Post New Thread' - click or tap on this. Add a discussion title and below, add your message then click or tap the "Create Thread "button.
Thank you, Izzy
 

Mamabop

New member
Mar 20, 2018
7
Well, here is a very good place to start. Welcome! You must be feeling as though you have battered from all angles, still grieving for your dad and now this to deal with too. I am not sure what part of the country you are in...or if you are even from the UK, but if you are in England, then you may have access to an Admiral Nurse. They are there to support carers, and can give information and practical advice. In my area (Kent) a lot of services are run by Age UK, such as day centres, singing groups or Cogs (cognitive stimulation) clubs. Maybe a good first step would be to get an assessment of needs for your mum (these are done by Social Services) and then it will give you an idea of what is available in your area and what would be suitable for your mum.
Lastly, you will find the members on this site an invaluable source of information and support. If you have any questions, or just want to share your feelings, this is the place! Have a read round of some of the posts...and when you feel ready you can start your own thread. That way, all of your questions and responses will be in one place and easily found. Just double click on the forum link, select I care for a person with dementia, click on start a new thread, and off you go.
I too am in Kent and will have a look at the Age UK site. Thank you!
 

Jwepjb

New member
Apr 13, 2018
1
Hi All
I'm here because my mum 85, has dementia, were awaiting a full diagnosis but she's been very forgetful for a few years now. Over the past few weeks she has changed beyond anything I thought could happen. Her memory is far worse and she has become aggressive verbally. Accusing me of knowing what's wrong with her and the 'family' of neglecting to visit. I'm an only child (65yrs old and retired) my father has been dead for 12yrs. She forgets he's gone and asks me several times a day of i know where he is, even asking if he's with another woman. They were married for 60yrs. We live in different towns 2 hours apart, and she thinks i live 10mls away. She has brothers and a sister in town but they are all in their 70s, I keep them aware of what's happening and they do visit but I'm not asking for any help above what they are doing. She phones all of us several times a day, sometimes talking and sometimes not. When asked about the calls she mostly has no recollection of making them. Her last phone bill was £100+ but then a reduction to £45. She becomes fixated on different things daily.
Enough for now and thanks for letting me bend your ears. I'm aware that we are all here because of an illness that has devastating effects.
Thanks again xx
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,114
N Ireland
Hi All
I'm here because my mum 85, has dementia, were awaiting a full diagnosis but she's been very forgetful for a few years now. Over the past few weeks she has changed beyond anything I thought could happen. Her memory is far worse and she has become aggressive verbally. Accusing me of knowing what's wrong with her and the 'family' of neglecting to visit. I'm an only child (65yrs old and retired) my father has been dead for 12yrs. She forgets he's gone and asks me several times a day of i know where he is, even asking if he's with another woman. They were married for 60yrs. We live in different towns 2 hours apart, and she thinks i live 10mls away. She has brothers and a sister in town but they are all in their 70s, I keep them aware of what's happening and they do visit but I'm not asking for any help above what they are doing. She phones all of us several times a day, sometimes talking and sometimes not. When asked about the calls she mostly has no recollection of making them. Her last phone bill was £100+ but then a reduction to £45. She becomes fixated on different things daily.
Enough for now and thanks for letting me bend your ears. I'm aware that we are all here because of an illness that has devastating effects.
Thanks again xx
Hello and welcome to TP, you will find this a friendly, informative and supportive place.
Do have a good look around the site as that's what I did when I joined and found it to be a gold mine for information.
If you have any specific questions or just wish to vent feelings don't be afraid to start your own thread as people will respond.
One thing, you mention a recent deterioration and it's a fact that infections like a UTI can cause that but if the infection is treated the person can rebound. It may be worth having your mum checked or to just have a general check on any medication in case a little tweak could help.
Good luck to you.
 
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