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  1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

Welcome to Talking Point - introduce yourself here

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Dementia Talking Point' started by Mark_W, Jan 17, 2018.

  1. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,056
    Yorkshire
    hello @Lindiloo20
    and a warm welcome to TP
    I'm sorry to read all your sadness; you are being torn in two between your love for your mum and your love for your children
    maybe visit your mum on your own and then treat yourself to a lovely nostalgia burst with your children, looking at photos and singing songs your mum taught you, so they know 'grandma's songs' - maybe make cakes with them to take to grandma - tell them stories of things they and you have done with her and about her life, maybe they could paint some for her - so they feel she is with them and you get to celebrate her
    whatever else - keep posting; it helps to share
     
  2. Lindiloo20

    Lindiloo20 New member

    Feb 12, 2018
    3
    These are really lovely ideas. Thank you so much. My girls would love those things and I would too. At times even when I'm celebrating her love & excellence as a mother and sharing stories with my kids I physically have to bite back the tears. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing? Sometimes I've to leave the room to protect them from seeing me cry. I'm so afraid of passing on my pain to them
     
  3. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,522
    Ireland
    I understand how you want to protect your children, Lindiloo. Yet at the same time, they need to know that you love your mum, and that, just as you would be sad if one of them were ill, you are sometimes sad because your mum is ill. Not all the time, but occasionally, I think it's ok to let them see it. And it gives them the opportunity to comfort you, and make you better, which children love.
     
  4. DeMartin

    DeMartin Registered User

    Jul 4, 2017
    711
    Kent
    My dads great grandson visits him, age 4, takes a couple of toy cars to play with, he and dad push cars back and forward, both enjoy it. Children do not judge as we do, and a short visit, with suitable treats, biscuits etc should not bother anyone. Some homes have a family room for such visits. The biggest thing to avoid is children getting bored, keep it short and sweet.
     
  5. Tralouise

    Tralouise Registered User

    Nov 27, 2017
    25
    Female
    Hi lynn from Belfast.

    My daughter is 12 and my mum only been ill about 9 months. I've had to tell my daughter and be honest. For example we've been clothes shopping with mum today and it was absolutely devastating as mum can't make a decision -She pulls clothes off the hangers, picks stuff up, puts them back. The security guard started following us. I cry a lot as hiding it was making me ill
     
  6. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,522
    Ireland
    Lots of choice can be terribly overwhelming for someone with dementia, @Tralouise . With my husband, I found it best to get a couple of items and give him a choice of two. Or, just get a few things, keep receipts, try on at home and return anything not needed. He used to love browsing the shops, but it just got confusing for him. And eventually, it got to just replacing what he had with identical items, if I could.
     
  7. Kaz1

    Kaz1 New member

    Feb 14, 2018
    5
    Hi there my dad was diagnosed December 2016 with mixed vascular and Alzheimer’s,a few months after my mum died in which I took care of her right up until she died and she had me promise her I would look after dad, and as they was already living with me and my family our home is his home and always will be as long as I can look after him, I gave up work to look after my parents two years ago and I sometimes find that hard being home all day until Hubbie and daughters get in, as my dad don’t really want to talk anymore, only when his spoken to,he is getting really argumentative and that makes things very hard, his 82 and when we suggest him doing anything he just says I can’t do it I’m a old man, when his was diagnosed they told me he was middle and since going on the tablets his on he seems to be doing really well even though he still does the silly things he does like stealing things, hiding sweets and being so sneaky and that is the hardest thing as my dad was never like that, he never had a bad bone in his body but his totally changed now... sorry I could right a book about my life as a year before my mum died my poor dad had to face losing his eldest son, my brother, his wife(my mum) his sister and his life long best friend all in the space of two years.....
     
  8. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,056
    Yorkshire
    hello @Kaz1
    a warm welcome to TP
    such a sad and challenging time your family have been going through
    so I'm glad you have found this wonderfully supportive site where members are generous with sympathy and useful suggestions
    settle in, have a good read round and start your own thread, when you are ready, with whatever is on your mind - we might not be able to solve every issue, but there'll be plenty of support to help you through
     
  9. Kaz1

    Kaz1 New member

    Feb 14, 2018
    5
    Thank you so much I’ve already been looking at what other people are going through and all of a sudden I don’t feel alone anymore
     
  10. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,056
    Yorkshire
    that's good @Kaz1 - that's what TP is all about
    I know it was a weight off my mind when I first came here
     
  11. Kaz1

    Kaz1 New member

    Feb 14, 2018
    5
    It’s a horrible disease and to see you loved one go through it, it’s terrible and unless you know someone who’s got it, people just don’t understand what we go through as carers especially taking care of a parent ...oh well thank you very much for listening I’m off to bed goodnight
     
  12. silver star

    silver star Registered User

    May 23, 2017
    32
    Hi, I am 58, caring for my mother-in-law along with my husband. not sure if this is the right place to tell our story so far, so await your advice. What I will say is Mum went down hill very rapidly after she had a fall last September and has been living with us for 5 months now. To say it is extremely hard would be an understatement. Everyone says, you need to look after yourselves too, that's easier said than done. I feel all I do is whinge, and if I do get to see anyone I really have nothing to talk about other than Mum. Can't put her in a home for lots of reasons. I am not looking for sympathy, just want to be able to find out if others can maybe shed light on things, and hopefully I might be able to give hints to others. Irony is I used to work for a Training Team in Dementia Care, and have a severely learning disabled daughter who is in supported living. So I should know what to do, but more often than not don't.
     
  13. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,522
    Ireland
    Welcome @silver star
    Yes, it's completely different when it comes to caring for someone in your own family. For one thing, you don't just do your eight hour work shift, and then have the rest of the time off! And with just one person to care for, the relentlessness of it quickly becomes exhausting. If you were working, for example, either in a Care Home or in Home Care, there would be a variety of people with differing abilities and needs, and there would be other staff.

    Has your mum in law had a Needs Assessment? And are you getting any help or breaks? Have you looked into Day Centres, Lunch Clubs etc? This would be good for you, to give you a break, but also would give your MIL some stimulation, social outlet, and something to talk about when she gets home.
     
  14. silver star

    silver star Registered User

    May 23, 2017
    32
    Unfortunately Mum will not let us get Social Services involved. I have found someone to come and help with housework, and so that I can go and do a food shop. This isn't a regular set up though, as she is someone, who help support my daughter who is severely learning disabled, but lives in a Supported living situation. We were told in October that because of other medical issues, she was not likely to last a year. We have obviously been doing a "good" job as she has put some weight back on, but so many other medical problems cropping up. Newest one today, one of her eyes. So wAiting to hear from hospital. She will not go to Dementia Cafe or anything similar. I was taking her to have coffee with friends, but she keeps losing her voice and can beardy walk now. We will bite the bullet and carry on. Thank for tips.
     
  15. Kaz1

    Kaz1 New member

    Feb 14, 2018
    5
    Hi ya I’ve just joined the group and I feel exactly like you, I love my dad dearly but feel like I’m suffocating some days, after reading through some of these post I now no that I’m not alone and there’s plenty of people going through the same thing, even though I’ve not as yet found anybody who’s having the same symptoms as my dad..... so chin up and be strong, us carers have too xx
     
  16. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    1,409
    East of England
    When things get me down I logon and read the threads that are similar to my experiences and then write it all down. That really makes a difference to my feelings of inadequacy and inability to discuss things rationally with my husband, this with a man who was always very rational. Since I have been doing this I have been much calmer, don’t get so frustrated and angry nearly so much and have made a few changes to my behaviour which has helped.
     
  17. Kaz1

    Kaz1 New member

    Feb 14, 2018
    5
    Hi there,that’s what I’ve been doing the last couple of evenings while laying in bed(piece and quite) reading through everybody else’s experiences it’s just so nice to be able to relate to other people and I’m hoping the more I read I will be able to cope more in my situation and don’t get so stressed with my dad bless him
     
  18. Darlin'

    Darlin' New member

    Feb 11, 2018
    2
     
  19. Darlin'

    Darlin' New member

    Feb 11, 2018
    2
     
  20. Suzannemarie

    Suzannemarie New member

    Feb 15, 2018
    7
    Hi everyone
    I’ve just signed up after reading some discussions on here over the last few weeks.
    I’m 49 and have been increasingly concerned about my 86 year old mum, who is not diagnosed but has deteriorated rapidly since Christmas. She is, amongst other things, experiencing extreme deja vu which is very scary for her but having read a lot of discussions on here I realise it is a common symptom of dementia. I am her only child living in the Uk so feel very much like an ‘only child’. I feel very anxious about her at the moment but also realise this is probably the start of things.
    I have started a new thread about this asking for advice, but thought I’d just say hello here too.
     
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