After reading posts on here am starting to realise that my father who appears to be in the 7th and last stage of Alzheimers, could last another 5 years or more yet. Isn't it terrible that the news that my Dad could live longer devastated me? Don't get me wrong, I love having him here and i don't want him to die, but I do want him to die.(don't like writing those words )...Bizarre that I can have two such strong and conflicting emotions existing in my heart at the same time. Both wishes have their selfish and unselfish components, I think.... I don't want him to die because I'll miss him, I'll miss hugging him, I'll miss looking into his eyes, I'll miss the smiles, I'll miss his determination. I don't want him to die because ridiculous as it is I haven't let go of hope (though its only a whisper now), as long as he is still alive, maybe, maybe..... I don't want him to die because I know he would be disappointed about being defeated, he appears to still want to fight on, he doesn't want to give in yet. I want him to...I won't say it...because this must be so horrible for him...but upon saying that I realise that thats not the truth, he's not in tears all the time, he's not screaming and roaring, he gets frustrated yes, but no I can't really say he's unhappy...Hmmm (I'm thinking as I'm writing here so bear with me) I think I've just had an epiphany (is that how you spell it?). I have to say now after thinking about it that my wishes for Dad to move on are most probably entirely selfish. Its me who doesn't want this nightmare to go on. Its no longer a nightmare for Dad (it was initially), thats not saying he doesn't know what is going on, I'm pretty sure he does, but I guess he's adapted and I haven't. This is just a different way of life for him with different challenges, different frustrations and different rewards. Okay so I guess I have to live with this. You know whats really weird? I'm so used to the pain and hurt this disease causes that I'm not at all shocked by my selfishness, nor afraid to acknowledge it. I guess I've gotten used to rolling with the emotions, recognising them, analysing them and moving on. A detached, out of body feeling really at times, surreal even, yet i'm not detached from life, I'm still living it like everyone else.