1. Our next Q&A session is on the topic of Christmas and dementia.This time we want our Q&A to involve our resident experts, you! Share tips and advice on navigating Christmas here in this thread.

    Pop by and post your questions or if you prefer you can email your question to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.
  1. Flossie H

    Flossie H Registered User

    Feb 20, 2014
    18
    Mum has been in a CH for 18 months now due to dementia. At Christmas I had her home for the day-we had 12 to lunch. Beforehand I was in two minds whether I should have her home or not-guilt took over how could I leave her there on Christmas Day!! Plus other people (who don't understand) sent me on a horrendous guilt trip. So she came home and for the first hour or so all was good-then it all fell apart confusion took over and she became extremely confused my two kids were amazing with her but no-one could pacify her-at 5 my son and I took her back to the CH. A member of staff said have you had a good day-all I have done is watch TV all day! was her response she had no recollection that she had been to my house! Anyhow I need advice-my daughter gets married in July I feel it will be too much for Mum particularly after seeing her Christmas Day. I know a career could come with her -is it acceptable to do just the church? How do you tell her she isn't coming to the reception-I know she probably won't remember but you cannot assume that-this is all so cruel but how do you know what you are doing is right? Is there a right and wrong? Also can anyone suggest any anti-guilt tablets-just imagine if there was such a thing! If only! X
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,795
    Female
    South coast
    Im sure it will be perfectly acceptable to do just the Church. Mum wasnt able to come to my sons wedding (I did try) and he and I are still sorry that we couldnt make it happen.

    Dont tell her that she wont be going to the reception - just tell her that she going to the wedding - and be prepared for a quick exit if it all becomes too much for her.

    Have some snacks, or something else to distract her during the photos (they always go on for far too long), or take her back to the CH when she has had enough.

    You might, of course, get her on a good day when she can cope with some of the reception too. Just go with the flow. Im sure your daughter will be happy that she is there - however long she manages to stay.
     
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,902
    Female
    Scotland
    This is a family decision and especially for your daughter to have an input. Your Mum will get little or nothing out of it as you saw at Christmas so it is all about what the rest of you will feel.

    My decision would be no wedding for her at this stage but I'm not her daughter.
     
  4. Pat12ka

    Pat12ka Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    59
    Sorry don't have any anti-guilt tablets, but I've had the same situation, twice. I decided not to have my mum to either of my sons weddings. This was a very difficult decision as my mum was very close to both my sons, looking after them while I went out to work. The decision for not inviting her to the first wedding was relatively easy as it wasn't in our home town and so meant staying in a hotel for the weekend - not an option! Didn't stop me from feeling very guilty and extremely sad. One thing I do know is that if mum had come to the weddings, I personally wouldn't have been able to enjoy the day as 'Mother of the Groom'. Even if there was a carer to look after her I would have been on edge all the time, but that's just part of my nature and everyone is different.

    Pat
     
  5. Flossie H

    Flossie H Registered User

    Feb 20, 2014
    18
    Thank you so much for your advice we don't seem to have good days but we do have good hours!!!!! No -one could ever prepare you for all this x
     
  6. Flossie H

    Flossie H Registered User

    Feb 20, 2014
    18
    Thank you for taking time to reply. Poor Mum doesn't know what she has done two hours ago-I visit her everyday and not a day passes when she doesn't mention an outfit for the wedding!!!!!!!!!! It's how do you tell her!!!!!! X
     
  7. Flossie H

    Flossie H Registered User

    Feb 20, 2014
    18
    Thank you so much for your reply. I know exactly what you mean as Mum will be joined at my hip all day bless her as I am her safety net and I really want to enjoy the day!! That sounds so selfish but I know I have to think what is best for her!!! It's so hard to know how you tell her I see her everyday she doesn't remember that I came in yesterday but blow me she mentions getting an outfit for the wedding every single day!!!!! No-one can prepare you how to deal with this cruel disease xxxx
     
  8. betsie

    betsie Registered User

    Jun 11, 2012
    252
    Hi
    We had the same situation last year. I decided the only reason to take my dad to his grandsons wedding was to ease our guilt. Dad would be confused, cold, not remember it and probably get very tired.
    Also it would have meant more stress for us getting him their and home and watching him all day.
    I am so glad we didn't take him as it rained all day (mid August) it was cold and he would have been miserable.

    If I was you I would not take your mum, go enjoy your day and show her the pictures. You deserve to have a wonderful day as mother of the bride.
     
  9. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,556
    Female
    England
    July is a long way off and more than likely the wedding outfit will be long forgotten.

    Being in different surrounding will probably upset her more in another 6 months than it did at Christmas and her memory even more impaired. As sad as it is it is most likely better to not have her at the wedding at all. We all have lovely memories of weddings but your Mum can't lay down new memories so going is going to be no advantage to her and could cause her a lot of distress and confusion.

    On the other hand you have 6 months to think about it, mull over ways of trying to make it work, the decision can be made at quite a late stage. But having doubts now makes me think you already know that it won't work for your Mum. Good luck,

    Jay
     
  10. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,746
    Female
    London
    You wouldn't take someone with flu, you'd leave them to rest, right?
    If it's not in your Mum's best interest to go, don't take her. You're not depriving her of anything imho. Big gatherings aren't for most people with dementia anymore.
     
  11. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,239
    Cotswolds
    #11 Lindy50, Jan 11, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2015
    Flossie, I do sympathise. In fact, I was thinking of starting a thread like this myself!

    My mum still lives in her own home but is very confused, basically her entire life is organised around her. She is also often incontinent of faeces and refuses to wear pads....

    Mum has always been very close to my children, looked after them while I was at work etc, so I know my daughter would like her to be there. But.....the wedding will be in London, which is a three hour drive away (or more with traffic), so even with employing both a carer and a taxi driver for the day, I find it hard to imagine mum coping. She hasn't stayed anywhere overnight since dad died 12 years ago.

    Like you, my mum came to us for Christmas (a twenty five minute drive from her house) and she hasn't yet recovered. She couldn't understand the giving and receiving of gifts, couldn't eat the meal etc. ....and there were only 5 of us that day.

    So.....I am still mulling it over myself! I will get mum there if I can, but I know in my heart that if she is there, I will be her carer and not my daughter's mum....if that makes sense. So I'm going to talk it over with my daughter and do whatever will make her happiest.

    There is no easy answer, is there?

    Good luck

    Lindy xx
     
  12. opaline

    opaline Registered User

    Nov 13, 2014
    182
    I agree, she shouldn't be there as you will be unable to relax and enjoy your special day as a MOB. If she mentions an outfit again tell her the wedding has been postponed!
     
  13. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    7,592
    Yorkshire
    If you already have strong doubts, then I'm in the 'don't take her' camp, I'm afraid.

    There have been stories in the press of the bride and groom getting dressed up in their outfits and having a small 'wedding party' ( cuppa & cake?) and photos in the CH after the big day, if the grandparent couldn't make it to the wedding. Maybe after the honeymoon?

    I'm sure the activity coordinator would welcome such a opportunity with open arms...and it would give such pleasure to all the other residents too.
     
  14. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,795
    Female
    South coast
    I had got the impression, from what you had said, that you thought your mum could cope with the wedding, but not the reception. Im sorry if I was wrong.

    Only you really know what she could cope with (and it could change at the drop of a hat anyway). If you dont think she could cope then I like Chemmys idea of a tea party and photos at the CH
     
  15. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,289
    SW London
    #15 Witzend, Jan 12, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2015
    July is still a long way off - if I were you I would try not to agonise about it until nearer the time, when you will have a clearer idea of whether she she will cope, or not. Though from what you say now, I would probably think not. If she keeps asking about an outfit, could you say e.g., 'Yes, maybe we'll go tomorrow to have a look,' - would that work? I often said similar to my mother (though it was about going to see her parents) and it always pacified her for the moment. Or maybe take her some catalogues of nice outfits to look at?

    My elder daughter is getting married in August, and my mother's dementia is far too advanced for there to be any question of her attending. It is very sad, especially since she was still fine when my sister's children married, but they were both over 10 years ago now. Even 4 or 5 years ago she would never have coped with long drives, staying in a strange place, and lots of strange faces and fuss. It would just have caused a lot of non stop anxiety and fretting.

    If I find any anti-guilt tablets I will send you some! (I dare say some unscrupulous quack could make a fortune flogging them on eBay...)
     
  16. Flossie H

    Flossie H Registered User

    Feb 20, 2014
    18
    A huge thank you

    I would just like to say a huge thank you to everybody who replied to my thread-it is lovely that people take time to post a comment. A million thanks -it is great to realise you are not alone in all this xxxx:)
     
  17. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    1,953
    I'm with Chemmy.

    Mum isn't coming to my nephew's wedding this year. If she'd attended his brother's wedding over 2 years ago, she'd have been totally lost and unhappy (it was a combined Anglican and Greek Orthodox wedding and the bride was very, very late!).
     

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