Wedding nerves

[Penguinkeeper]

I due to get married to my partner in a couple of months time. Since my Dad has been diagnosed with dementia he has withdrawn from life and become anti social.
The thought of getting married without him walking me down the aisle is unbearable, but the last few weeks he has said homophobic comments and says he won't be attending. Dad was one of the first people I came out to, and has always been so supportive so I know these comments aren't the real him.
Is there anything I can do/say that will help?

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to TP

How upsetting for you. Unfortunately there isn't a lot you can to do stop him making the comments. I find if I don't react to what nastiness my dad says is saying he shuts up quicker.

 

[Izzy]

Hi and welcome to TP.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. It must be hard for you. I'm not sure I have any useful suggestions. I really just wanted to welcome you. I'm sure you'll get lots of help and support here.

 

[jugglingmum]

I'm sorry I'm not sure I can say anything to help - but just a few suggestions which might help you think it through.

As he was supportive before he got ill at least you know it isn't the real dad.

Weddings are stressful enough without things like this (I hadn't been on speaking terms with in laws for 9 years before our wedding - their decision - and FIL sent a letter to OH telling him not to do it which arrived on day of wedding - we weren't that surprised and had a great day).

Do you have other family who see him and you get on with who can help?

How do you think he will cope with the day in total? you say he is becoming anti social, will he cope with the day? Can you have someone keep an eye on him to support him so you can enjoy your day?

Perhaps have a back up plan if it turns out he isn't up to walking you down the aisle?

It will be a fab day and you want to enjoy it, you can't make everything perfect for any wedding, but with dementia in the equation it is even harder.

Ultimately the day is about you and your partner - and making fab memories for your future together - can you think of a way to include your dad in a different way?

Sometimes we just have to accept (and it's hard) that the parent that brought us up, supported us, loved us, is no longer fully there.

Sorry - waffled a bit. Hope it is helpful

 

[1mindy]

Wedding days are very stressful anyway without worrying about the unpredictability of your dad.
My daughter gets married in September and she sat me down a few weeks ago to say she would not have her dad walk her down the aisle. She loves him deeply and has always been daddies girl butc he is not the dad she knew and her rational was that it is her day and she wanted to be as stress free as possible and having to try and organise her dad to walk her down the aisle and worrying about him would put an added pressure she doesn't need and it may well be too much for him anyway. I completely agree with her. Her dad will be with me until a time in the day it is too much for him then carer will take him home. Her brother will be giving her away and walking her down the aisle which is fine . So really the dad you had is not the dad you now have and you need to do what is right for you. Best wishes come with this message.

 

[Penguinkeeper]

Thank you all for your messages. I like the idea of having a back up plan, so will speak to my older brother about stepping in to walk me down the aisle.
We have booked him a room at the hotel and my auntie has said she will look after him at the reception if things get too much for him.
Again thank you for the replies