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we need help and dont know what and where we can go to ask

tattytwee

Registered User
Jun 10, 2019
22
I posted a few weeks ago about dad (84) caring for mum with demetia aged (84) and she is becoming more and more violent with him, and that he would not allow anyone to help whatsoever, well he's reached breaking point and after a terrible couple of days he's finally listened and agrees that he needs help, mum hasn't been seen by anyone medical for two years, she refuses to leave the house, she is totally dependant on him for everything and last few months she has refused to be washed or dressed and has become so very difficult to deal with, she can not do anything for herself except just about manage to drink a cup of tea and eats with fingers, she spills more than she eats or drinks, but it's the lashing out that's the worst she will not be taken to the toilet refuses any cleaning up whatsoever and screams and shouts at him constantly, he has agreed that this can not continue and we have suggested respite care for short period just to give him some rest and peace to think about what help he should have, the trouble is we don't even know exactly what kind of dementia or anything as she's not been seen by anyone except a nurse that came to the house and took a blood test a while ago, can anyone point me in the right direction and tell me what they should be entitled to etc and basically what I need to do to get the ball rolling whilst he's agreeing to it.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,867
South coast
Hello @tattytwee
It doesnt matter what sort of dementia she has, its her behaviour that is important.
Phone Social Services tomorrow and say your dad urgently needs emergency respite because of your mums violence. Explain the problems and do not hold back - it is not the time to play down the problems.
 

Rekha gupta

Registered User
Apr 24, 2019
13
Hiii
I also faced the same problem with my mom. She is not able to eat or drink by own. So i give her food by my hand bite by bite and for drinking i have taken a baby glass having sipper with the help of sipper she herself drinks the water. She only hold the glass nd rest work sipper does. My mom is earlier very violent. She used to walk all night without stop and when i tried to stop her, she usually become angry. For this type of behaviour you have to be more and more patient. You have to show her that you love her and you care for her. Only by showing her more love and patience she can be calm. I followed the same with my mom to make her calm and let me do all cleaning and bathing her.
 

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
I posted a few weeks ago about dad (84) caring for mum with demetia aged (84) and she is becoming more and more violent with him, and that he would not allow anyone to help whatsoever, well he's reached breaking point and after a terrible couple of days he's finally listened and agrees that he needs help, mum hasn't been seen by anyone medical for two years, she refuses to leave the house, she is totally dependant on him for everything and last few months she has refused to be washed or dressed and has become so very difficult to deal with, she can not do anything for herself except just about manage to drink a cup of tea and eats with fingers, she spills more than she eats or drinks, but it's the lashing out that's the worst she will not be taken to the toilet refuses any cleaning up whatsoever and screams and shouts at him constantly, he has agreed that this can not continue and we have suggested respite care for short period just to give him some rest and peace to think about what help he should have, the trouble is we don't even know exactly what kind of dementia or anything as she's not been seen by anyone except a nurse that came to the house and took a blood test a while ago, can anyone point me in the right direction and tell me what they should be entitled to etc and basically what I need to do to get the ball rolling whilst he's agreeing to it.
You need to ask gp to see and to refer urgently to psychiatric team for a home assessment, plus askto refer to social services, you can call them too- adult social care- and emphasize there are adult safeguarding issues for both your mother and your father. Insist on urgent assessment, say her basic needs are unmet and he is at risk because of her sggresssion. Hope that helps.
 

ANITRAM

Registered User
Feb 2, 2019
28
Please contact social services first thing tomorrow and express this is an URGENT issue and that you are unable to deal with these TWO VULNERABLE ADULTS . The SS have a duty of care to help . My FIL was attacked during the night by my MIL and nearly killed . Please don’t leave it too late . Wishing you all the best at this difficult time x
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,685
I posted a few weeks ago about dad (84) caring for mum with demetia aged (84) and she is becoming more and more violent with him, and that he would not allow anyone to help whatsoever, well he's reached breaking point and after a terrible couple of days he's finally listened and agrees that he needs help, mum hasn't been seen by anyone medical for two years, she refuses to leave the house, she is totally dependant on him for everything and last few months she has refused to be washed or dressed and has become so very difficult to deal with, she can not do anything for herself except just about manage to drink a cup of tea and eats with fingers, she spills more than she eats or drinks, but it's the lashing out that's the worst she will not be taken to the toilet refuses any cleaning up whatsoever and screams and shouts at him constantly, he has agreed that this can not continue and we have suggested respite care for short period just to give him some rest and peace to think about what help he should have, the trouble is we don't even know exactly what kind of dementia or anything as she's not been seen by anyone except a nurse that came to the house and took a blood test a while ago, can anyone point me in the right direction and tell me what they should be entitled to etc and basically what I need to do to get the ball rolling whilst he's agreeing to it.
Call social services
Don’t hold back on any details
Seriously spent months pussy footing around one parent to appease them at the cost of another parents welfare
Aged father went in for respite care - two weeks offered - I accepted. Then requested the full 6 weeks allowed per year as none received ever. Yes Aged father didn’t ever come home he was assessed in care & over the past six months has regained his dignity in his final years.
It’s difficult & you will feel a complete **** at times, but do it - as it’s only a matter of time before your loved one gets an infection from being incontinent & the consequences of that tear you apart; believe me

Good luck
Let us know how you get on
 
Last edited by a moderator:

tattytwee

Registered User
Jun 10, 2019
22
Call social services
Don’t hold back on any details
Seriously spent months pussy footing around one parent to appease them at the cost of another parents welfare
Aged father went in for respite care - two weeks offered - I accepted. Then requested the full 6 weeks allowed per year as none received ever. Yes Aged father didn’t ever come home he was assessed in care & over the past six months has regained his dignity in his final years.
It’s difficult & you will feel a complete **** at times, but do it - as it’s only a matter of time before your loved one gets an infection from being incontinent & the consequences of that tear you apart; believe me

Good luck
Let us know how you get on
Thank you. I have called Social Services and arranged for emergency assessments etc.
 

tattytwee

Registered User
Jun 10, 2019
22
Call social services
Don’t hold back on any details
Seriously spent months pussy footing around one parent to appease them at the cost of another parents welfare
Aged father went in for respite care - two weeks offered - I accepted. Then requested the full 6 weeks allowed per year as none received ever. Yes Aged father didn’t ever come home he was assessed in care & over the past six months has regained his dignity in his final years.
It’s difficult & you will feel a complete **** at times, but do it - as it’s only a matter of time before your loved one gets an infection from being incontinent & the consequences of that tear you apart; believe me

Good luck
Let us know how you get on
Please contact social services first thing tomorrow and express this is an URGENT issue and that you are unable to deal with these TWO VULNERABLE ADULTS . The SS have a duty of care to help . My FIL was attacked during the night by my MIL and nearly killed . Please don’t leave it too late . Wishing you all the best at this difficult time x
 

tattytwee

Registered User
Jun 10, 2019
22
Thank you. I have been on phone all day and have finally got an emergency assessment and hopefully respite care etc arranged for Wed this week.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,685
Thank you. I have called Social Services and arranged for emergency assessments etc.
So pleased
Keep a notebook of all details of calls & confirm in emails what has been agreed
Also note day to day issues with your parents - there is so many it’s easy to get confused or forget
Let me know how you get on
X
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,420
South of the Border
So pleased
Keep a notebook of all details of calls & confirm in emails what has been agreed
Also note day to day issues with your parents - there is so many it’s easy to get confused or forget
Let me know how you get on
X
Hello, I am another DesperateofDevon - just pinching your name for a mo !! Just welcoming you to the site, and hoping that your part of Devon is better served than my part !!!
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,685
Hello, I am another DesperateofDevon - just pinching your name for a mo !! Just welcoming you to the site, and hoping that your part of Devon is better served than my part !!!
Um Mums in Cornwall & that’s even worse have friends down there battling the same battle as I am & getting nowhere fast. No funding, no beds, no Carers available, it’s just left to families to sort out as the resources are overstretched. My Dad was moved out of county as there wasn’t anywhere for him within a 50 mile radius.
So sorry that you To are in this situation.
Hope you have better luck than me
Let me know how you get on
X