We just don't know what to do

Pat's daughter

Registered User
May 6, 2006
My mother has Alzheimer's and has been in a EMI nursing home for 3 months. Previously she lived with my sister. She has been through what I would call different stages of not settling in to her new environment. First, she was quite aggressive and was given drugs which made her very docile. She was then re-assessed and the drugs were changed and she seemed to be a little better. Then, she became very confused, she couldn't remember that members of the family had visited or if we took her out for the day she wouldn't remember she had been out. We realise that this is part of the illness.

Now she is crying all day long and literally begging for us to take her home. Even threatening suicide.

Obviously, we have spoken in depth to the staff in the home and they have told us that she is not happy no matter what they do. She wanders night and day or stands by the door (which is obviously locked) trying to get out.

We are heart broken every time we leave her and forever trying to find a solution which would make mum happy. Bringing her home to live with my sister again has been suggested by the family. However, the doctors etc advise against it as she needs 24 hour care.

Has anyone else been in this situation, where you feel that the person you love, who has had a long and happy life is going to end their days thinking we don't care for them and have abandoned them.

How do others cope with these feelings of despair and how can we make mam happy again.


Registered User
Apr 13, 2006
Pat my heart goes out to you and your family ,i have no answers same old story i guess other than to say as i am not emotionaly involved there must have been a reason your mother went into the nursing home in the first place, i am asumeing it was getting to much for your sister think carefully about bringing her home is all the advise i can give as it could be more upsetting if it dont work out and she would have to go in again .I have not much experiance YET but i am sure others on here have experianced what you are going through now !hope it works out for you


Registered User
Mar 18, 2006
Hi Pat's daughter,

I'm not at the same stage as you with my dad, but when we moved him into a home a couple of months ago, he became aggressive, threatened to break out, wanted us to take him out, and kept telling us how unhappy he was, how he hated it etc etc

Fortunately he was seen by a very good GP and then by an AD specialist quite quickly. They adjusted his medication and now he's happy again.

I could be wrong, but does your mum need to see a doctor who can balance her medication, maybe ?



Registered User
Apr 30, 2006
hi pats daughter
my mum has been in 2 places respite for 3 months and then care home which lasted 3 weeks respite from the start she settled in well care home no, wandered and was just not happy, the place was not as welcoming as the respite home and they really did not seem to talk much to mum.
do you get a good feeling about the place,our parents might have dementia but i do feel that they can still tell whether a place is welcoming or not

Pat's daughter

Registered User
May 6, 2006
Thank you

Thank you all for your quick and comforting responses. It is reassuring to know that we are not the first and unfortunately won't be the last to be in this situation.

We are quite confident that the home are doing everything possible to make mam feel at home. She is seeing the specialist on Tuesday so we will ask for her meds to be re-assessed. Hopefully, I will be able to post something more positive in the not to distant future. Thanks again!

Pat's daughter


Registered User
Oct 7, 2005
I really can identify with your post. You are not alone in this situation

My mother has been in a nursing home since last August after being sectioned because she refused all treatments, and was getting very violent to my father (her main carer).
She has found it very hard to settle. She cries a lot and hammers at the doors and windows. But with many changes to medication at last seems more settled. Although to say she was happy would be untrue.

Many changes of anti-depressants and her anti-psychotic drugs have helped make her calmer.

I too have had lots of talks with care home and cpn. I’m also sure the care staff does all they can. Mum wasn’t really happy when she was at home (asking to go home) so as the CPN told me maybe were just not going to be able to keep her happy. The illness is really cruel. As you ask, how do we cope with feelings of despair? All I can say is that I tell myself that really I have no choice. My mum couldn’t be kept at home, for her safety and for the well being of my father. She is in a safe caring home and this is the best we can do for her.

We also find that our own personally findings are that mum is far more settled and happy when we don’t visit. Although she has some recollection of who we are she does get muddled with our relationships. Sometimes im my father’s girlfriend and we are both plotting against her and stealing her money. We are assured that she is calmer without us Maybe we remind her just how awful this illness is and increase the confusion and frustration she feels.

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