We have the help for dad but I still feel so guilty.

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by jaws, Oct 27, 2007.

  1. jaws

    jaws Registered User

    May 8, 2007
    27
    Hi everyone,
    I posted before about my dad and had some fantastic support. Thanks.:) I contacted his CPN and SS and they have responded quickly. The Psychiatrist has refused to admit him to the EMI Unit as his agitation and depression are 'simply part of his dementia'. Being a mental health nurse myself, I find that hard to take in. The SW has found a respite bed about 10 miles away and there may be the possibility of a long term bed there or at another home even nearer. We are going to have a look at the homes today. The SW said we will go through the financial process over the next few weeks. Dad doesn't want to go. He walked round to my house yesterday and asked me if I knew where his family were as he never sees them. He was crying. He said he was useless and a burden. A lucid moment I think. The SW and Psychiatrist have not been out to assess him - they just talked to me. It's such a big responsibility but I know it's got to be done. I feel lucky that we have such a quick response when I read other posts and don't want to turn this help down as it is so badly needed - but it's so hard.
    Thanks for 'listening'.
    XXX
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,735
    Kent
    Dear Jaws,

    I know it`s easier said than done, but please try not to feel guilty. Just think of the alternatives and you`ll know there are none.

    The upset for your father is a different matter. Of course he is upset, just as you are upset for him, but no-one can fail to be affected by the devastation that Alzheimers brings.

    Your professional hat cannot be worn in relation to your father, I`m sure you know that. That`s why it`s so hard.

    Please update us when you can and I hope it all goes well for both of you.

    Take care xx
     
  3. jaws

    jaws Registered User

    May 8, 2007
    27
    Hi again.
    We went to look at two homes yesterday. The one offered for respite was dreadful!!:( The nurse who gave us a tour was cold with no compassion. There were obviously residents locked in their rooms as they were screaming and banging on their doors. She walked past residents without acknowledging them at all even when they reached out for her. The place smelt very very badly of stale old urine and faeces. I asked about activities and was told someone comes in on a friday afternoon and last year they went to weston for the day!!! I burst into tears and she laughed (maybe she was embarressed - but where are her people skills!!!) I'm not naive - have worked in big old psychiatric hospitals and nursing homes and I had never seen any so appalling. I stopped to think that maybe it's because I'm veiwing it through personal eyes rather than professional ones, but I don't think that was the case at all. The other one was so much better. The carers were interacting with the residents, it smelt like a nursing home but not pungent, they have activities every day. They go on outings and have parties. They go to the local pub. The difference was amazing. We are going to check a few more out and while we appreciate SS offering us the respite, we can't put our dad through that. I would prefer to take a little time off work to care for him as at least I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and I think I could cope with short term care.
    Once again, thanks for listening.
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,735
    Kent
    Dear Jaws
    These awful homes are demoralizing for everyone involved, including those who work in them.
    It`s a shame on our society that they are allowed to remain open.
    What`s it all about?:eek:
     
  5. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,419
    Sometimes it seems like one has got trapped an a time warp and been transported to a 19th century lunatic asylum, particularly when you come across a truly appalling "home". I don't know whther you feel up to doing it with everything else you have on your plate, but a written letter noting the standard of care (or lack thereof) to both your social worker and the social worker's department head might not be amiss. Money talks, and if one can can get local authorities to reconsider placing people in these awful homes they are more likely to either close or change their ways. It's a long term thing of course - the fact that they had a place available for respite is possibly a reflection of general dissatisfaction with the care they provide, but if the general public don't complain when they are confronted with places like this, things don't change.

    Best wishes
     
  6. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Easy for me to say , me looking after my mother..... if you wanted to care for a while for your father, taking time of work only do it till you find right care home , because if you do it for it for longer , your father well depend on you more emotional and it get harder for you emotional to take that step of care home .......try respite go from they



    but I know it must be hard to make that decision , guilt well always come into it, even thought its a wast of energy . Just want to show my support that your doing the right thing and last care home sounds so much better
     
  7. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    I second that comment. How awful for the residents, poor souls SURELY amongst staff or family, someone must care enough to report these places.

    I just want to wish you the best with finding your dad a decent caring home. Many here will identify with the huge responsibly it is, plus how very hard it is. I hope that everything is manageable for you until you find suitable placement. Best of luck jaws. Taffy.
     
  8. shirlwlm

    shirlwlm Registered User

    Oct 27, 2007
    5
    shropshire
    we have the help for dad but feel guilty

    Hi Jaws,
    Sorry to hear about the homes situation I can sympathise with you. My mum has been in an EMI residential for a couple of years now and Im still having problems, Its one of the hardest decisions you will make. I dont expect special treatment for my mum but I do expect her to be kept clean, fed, looked after and keep her dignity but these seem to have been issues the home cant deal with plus others. There isnt a week goes by when I dont receive a phone call over something or another, it is tiring and it does wear you down. Last week we(my daughter and son in law who are both nurses) went to look at new homes and have found two that have places at the moment who do seem to understand our issues, we have handed it over to the social worker to start the ball rolling for a transfer. I'll keep fighting to the end , its my mum and I love her. My advice visit as many homes as you can, ask lots of questions and go with your gut instinct.
    Thinking of you, keep smiling, love Shirl x
     
  9. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Hi Jaws,just caught up on your thread.For anyone (let alone a care assistant) to laugh at your upset is a disgrace.The home sounds as if it needs to be reported to CSCI.You have the upper hand with your profession and although it is a devastating disease,you will know the right home when you see it,having an insight into mental health care is a big advantage and i hope you use it as such.Don't sttle for anything but the best,and read the inspection reports,they reveal a lot.love elainex
     
  10. jaws

    jaws Registered User

    May 8, 2007
    27
    Hi again,
    I was starting to have some reservations that I was'putting dad away' too soon and that maybe he has more time left at home. However, I am again certain that it is the right thing to do. Went round last night and found him with a neighbour who had rescued him as he couldn't find his way into his house. the carer report was that he had been wandering around the house in his shirt, tie, coat and cap but no clothes on his bottom half. These were found wet in his bedroom. The carer thought he may have been about to go out. I sat him down with a cuppa, a buttie and a bowl of trifle that the carer had left and I went to clean up the urine and change his bed which was very slightly soiled. When I returned, he had mushed his buttie into his trifle and eaten nothing. He would not sit still and was very agitated. When it was time for me to leave, he followed me to the door and started banging on it and shouting that he wanted to get out. I opened it again and he went down his drive saying he was going home. I eventually settled him but worried all night. I think that definatley tells me that the time is right. Sometimes I feel certain that he needs to go into care and then I begin to have doubts when the guilt creeps in.
    Once again thanks for listening. It helps a lot to read other threads.
    XXX
     
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,735
    Kent
    Dear Jaws
    This incident has convinced you the time is right for your father to have residential care. Whenever he has a good moment, remember it and know you are doing the right thing.
    Love xx
     
  12. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Jaws, how I recognise that feeling. My husband has just gone into care, and I agonised over whether I was doing the right thing. I still do, when he has a good day, but the good days are getting fewer. Th guilt is something I just have to live with.

    I certainly sounds as if you are doing the right thing, your dad is no longer safe to look after himself. You know it's the right thing, and you would feel so much more guilty if your dad came to harm.

    Love,
     
  13. jaws

    jaws Registered User

    May 8, 2007
    27
    Hi again,

    Just thought I would update you as you are so supportive.

    Dad is going into respite care, with a view to long term care tomorrow (to the nicer home!). I am taking him at 2pm. He knows he is going 'on holiday' and has been very tearful, apologising, saying he loves us all but he wants to die. I dread him wanting to go home - I just know he will. He has a shared room and I have reservations about this but the manager said he has been paired up with a man very similar to himself. I know he will be cared for but the guilt just eats me up. We have spent the weekend labelling clothes and packing. When I left him earlier he said he wanted me to have all his money and belongings - he must have some insight although he doesn't know I'm his daughter much of the time.

    I will post again to let you know how it's going.

    XXX
     
  14. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Jaws,

    I hope all goes well, and your dad settles quickly. He might enjoy having company.

    Let us know how it goes.

    Love,
     
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,735
    Kent
    Dear Jaws,

    I hope all goes as well as it can for you tomorrow. Don`t forget to leave the guilt at home.

    Love xx
     
  16. nemesisis

    nemesisis Registered User

    May 25, 2006
    100
    when i was looking for a care home for mum I visited 14 homes and agree with you some are awful and shouldn't be allowed to remain open. I have also met so many people who work in these homes who are caring and kind and who have lost family to alzheimers and want to care for people. I have been lucky that the care home I chose for mum (although initialy didn't have a place) and belive me after three weeks the hospital were getting a bit funny with me as they wanted to dischage her as luck would have it the care home phoned and said they had a place so now mum is in a nice place with people who care and support her. After seeing how some poor people are treated (neglected more like) leaves me in tears x
     
  17. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Jaws (why Jaws?),

    You are doing the right thing, your dad will have structure at the home, it may well help him to cope. I agree with the home you rejected, we viewed two homes for my mum that were no use. One, to be fair, appeared very caring, but there were too many residents locked in rooms, the other was like you said, stank of urine, the handrail on the stairs was sticky to the extent that I didn't want to touch it, and the residents reached out to the manager and she simply didn't respond. These places don't deserve to exist.

    However, like you, we found one which is much nicer, mum has been there 3 monhts. She doesn't like it, doesn't want to be there, but it is not the fault of the home, which is very good.

    You will need to give it a couple of months before you are okay with your dad being there. Don't get too upset if he hates it after 2 days.

    I wish you every luck there is in this awful decision.

    Love

    Margaret
     
  18. jaws

    jaws Registered User

    May 8, 2007
    27
    Hi again
    Took him along yesterday. He was not happy about staying, saying he was coming home in the morning. He kept saying "this is ridiculous, I've got my own home". I left while he was playing bingo with a nice young carer (he loves the young girls!!!). I'm not visiting today as I have to work and then the social services financial assessor is coming to talk about 'my responsibilities'. He will be visited by his grand-daughter though. After I left him I went back to his house to sort some bits out and his neighbour told me that he had climbed out of his window the other night because he couldn't find his door key and was banging on their doors because he was locked out. They had to sit with him for a while because he was so agitated. I need to hear those things because it reminds me why I have requested care for him - he is at risk at home.
    By the way - it's Jaws because I talk too much!!
    Once again thanks for the support. I have made a complaint about the awful home and have spoken to one of their directors too.
    XXX
     
  19. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,735
    Kent
    Dear Jaws, [I feel much happier calling you that now I know the reason. Thanks Margaret for asking].

    The quote above is just what you needed to hear. When the sufferer is a parent in their own home, there`s no knowing what happens when no-one is with them, unless concerned neighbours are there to tell you.

    At least your father went without a struggle. He is probably puzzed, but let`s keep our fingers crossed that he will settle.

    Love xx
     
  20. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Dear Jaws,it's not much for you to go on,but please believe there are homes out there and carers who so care.I know it's a hard decision making the move,but please don't tar us all with the same brush.i hope the home you have found lives up to MY standards,let alone yours!It's a big issue when it comes to it and i fully understand your concerns.I hope the home is what you want.love elainex
     

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