We are in the system

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
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Newcastle
I took a call yesterday from a lady in social services who wants to come to our home to chat/carry out assessments and have had a longer chat with her today whilst my wife is at the hairdresser's. My wife will not be happy about this but I am sad to say that we are now at a point where we both need some formal support.

Today is the start of the long-awaited memory retraining group meetings - 5 meetings over the next few weeks - which my wife agreed to attend last time we spoke about it. She'll have forgotten about that now but I intend to persevere despite the likelihood of some negative reactions when I take her there.

If only she could see that I am doing this for her sake ...
 

Oh Knickers

Registered User
Nov 19, 2016
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Hi NK

Sometimes it is a case of what the PWD needs not wants. It also comes to the stage, having read your posts over time, what you are needing as well. If you are needing help, frankly, you are needing help. It gets to a stage where we are all so used to living on the knife edge we no longer realise it and think it is normal, tiring, but normal.

It is also the hard fact that what we are doing is, not through want of effort, no longer enough. There is just too darn much to be dealing with. It sounds as though it has got to that stage for you and your missus. Whilst the missus won't like it short term, is should soon become the new normal. Mother fought tooth and nail against any care but now she is a happy bunny. It has become her new normal.

Take care. ANd give the guilt monster a jolly good punch!
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
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Ireland
I suppose for a person with memory problems, keeping everything exactly the same and keeping a very set routine seems very important, and not something they want to give up easily. They won't see any need for anything to change, because by the time extra help is needed, they often won't recognise the deterioration in themselves. But you recognise that you need the help. And it will quickly become part of the new routine. Best of luck with it.
 

Zana

Registered User
May 12, 2016
185
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northumbrian_k
I am also at this stage. I know it takes months for things to get sorted out and so we have to get the ball rolling before things get too bad.

But OH is very against outside help he see them as interfering and has ideas that they will spy on us.
So Im working on ways of getting the help we need without too many visible signs from social workers that its happening!
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
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Newcastle
The memory group went well yesterday as my wife went with me willingly, enjoyed it when she was there and said a definite 'yes' when the nurse who runs it asked if we would be going back next week. We have some take away material to remind her that we did attend and what we did.

The visit of the SS lady later today may be more of a challenge and I have not mentioned it yet.
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,730
0
Ireland
It is very difficult, isn't it? I was fortunate in that my husband was a very keen gardener, but we have well over half an acre of gardens here, and he was just not able to keep it all up. The mowing, weeding, planting, etc. So I hired a man "to help with the heavy work" and that worked well. They happily pottered about the garden for a couple of hours twice a week while I went to my part time job. As time went on, there was less gardening done, and more time spent indoors. They played "chess", which got simplified as my husband's abilities diminished, they watched dvds, the guy read articles and news to William, they fixed snacks and lunch together. It worked very well, until William went to a nursing home. Later, as I needed extra help with washing & dressing him, a male care assistant was introduced, which he wasn't happy about, but was more accepting of than he would have been of a woman. The Community Care office had first sent a woman Care Assistant, and I had to refuse, because William was an extremely private man, and there was no way he was going to have a strange woman coming in and undressing him!

I think gradual introductions, and if possible, make it seem as if they are the ones helping, either helping you by letting this person do some of the work, or by letting this person get some work experience and giving them some "training"!
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
4,415
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Newcastle
The SS lady's visit went off quite well and so far there have been few repercussions. She was very pleasant and friendly. My wife was equally polite and appeared to be listening to what she said. But as usual we went around in circles, with her saying one thing at one moment, the opposite the next. What the SS lady seemed to be offering - getting my still active wife involved in activities (in particular walking) - seemed superficially attractive but did not bear close inspection as it seemed to underestimate the limitations caused by her dementia. She clearly understood my need for some opportunities to have a few hours break from constant caring but my wife's attitude was that, as nothing is wrong, I could just get on with leisure activities without any need to worry about her or make any special provisions to keep her occupied and (above all) safe.

After giving me a few leaflets the SS lady left, saying that she had enough information to complete formal assessments of both me as carer and my wife. It was not clear to me whether I would be made party to the assessments or any recommendations that might follow from these, but I'll certainly ask her if I don't hear any more fairly soon.