we are going away- Respite care for Mum?

julieann15

Registered User
Jun 13, 2008
2,012
Leicestershire
Hi,
We are eloping to get married- just me, my fiance, 3 kids and 2 witnesses. We have not told Ian's mum as she would want to be there and would fret about what to wear etc etc. One of the reasons we are eloping is to avoid taking her out of her comfort zone which is very small and putting her into a position that is strange and new with lots of people she does not know. While we were away last she let in 2 strangers to her flat (things are now missing) but she has no recollection of them- building auxillary saw her taking them into flat that is how we know! she got in a right mess about paying a cheque into her bank (sorted out by her lovely cleaner after 2 hours of calls to her from abroad).mum has care going in am and pm but she never seems to know what has happened between or even some days if the care workers have been in at all without getting the care book out. She very rarely manages to get herself sorted in the day to go out unless the proverbial rocket is used! She does live relatively independently but in order that we don't have a repeat of the last holiday we were wondering about respite care- perhaps selling it to her as a holiday break? Mum has a daughter who lives away, not that far who comes down to visit on average 3 times a year. She does not return mums calls- mum phones and leaves messages and and gets a reply after about 6 messages have been left. My fiance works away during the week in Cheshire and so the first port of call if there is a problem and she cannot get hold of Ian is me.We have an 8 month old,a 10 and a 15 year old so I am busy too. Please advise as to what we should do?

Julie
 

christine_batch

Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
3,388
Buckinghamshire
Dear Julie,
Congratulations for the forcoming wedding. Gretna Green???
Have you a Social Worker?
There is local Alzheimer's Branch, Crossroads, Help the Aged, The Princess Royal Trust that are very helpful.
Explaining to your Mum about it being a little holiday could help but you know your Mum best.
Unfortunately, family members in dealing with AD/Dementia normally do a runner and it is always left to one person.
Do hope you get some help.
Best wishes
Christine
 

julieann15

Registered User
Jun 13, 2008
2,012
Leicestershire
Eloping to Isle of Man- We have a social worker- the respite care would be for our own peace of mind and probably not a requirement on health/safety reasons so think it would be declined. I feel she thinks mum is coping with the care workers am/ pm/ daycentre one day / age concern for 3 hours another.But she is not the one picking up the pieces and trying to sort things out from abroad when things go wrong. This mornings post has brought chaos- change in care plan/ direct payments/ age concern- expecting at least 4 calls today on this! "this does not require any action" but she is going to call them to check?

Got to go- phone again!

Juliex
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
We have a social worker- the respite care would be for our own peace of mind and probably not a requirement on health/safety reasons so think it would be declined.
If you don't ring ask your never know ,health/safety reasons should not come into it .

Try look at it like this , if you are not around to organizing all the care plan changes making sure every think is run smoothly, by popping in after hours when all care staff have gone home , weekends during the day when your mother ring you or your partner etc etc ...... your mother would not be able to live independently . you are the glue that is keeping your mother living independently.

So my point is you are entitled by law to have respite allocated in your carer assessment .

Even if you do not get carers allowance do not live with your mother ,you are still your mother carer so need a carer assessment done on your needed, to help you keep caring and respite should be included in your carer assessment plan .

Have you had a carer assessment done for your needs as your mother carer by the social worker ?

The main issue would be even if you did take respite is getting your mother to go to one .
 
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Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Hi Julie

First of all, congratulations! It should be an exciting trip!

Maggie's right, you need to have a craers' assessment. You are entitled to it, and a holiday, with respite care, is also your right.

If you haven't had one, ring your SW right away and demand it. If you've already had one, ask for an urgent review, as you need a break, and feel your MIL is not safe to be left.

Paint as black a picture as you can without being dishonest, you get no brownie points for being brave!

Good luck,
 

Lynne

Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
3,433
Suffolk,England
Margarita said:
... you are the glue that is keeping your mother living independently
SPOT ON with that comment Maggie!

Julie, from what you have told us, Mum (in-law) is JUST managing - with your help and (apparently) that of a guardian angel who has kept her from harm when her judgement-lapses could have landed her in trouble :eek:.

You and she both need an up to date assessment. And as Skye says, worst-case scenario is the order of the day, without actually telling any lies. The building auxiliary & Mum's cleaner can confirm what has happened in the past.
Also I wonder if your local Age Concern have any sort of befriending service going, such that someone could call in daily for a cup of tea & a chat, just to make sure she's OK.

And last but not least, Congratulations to you & Ian on the forthcoming nuptials. The Isle of Man is a lovely place to be going, very peaceful outside the TT Races fortnight (over now). I wish you all a calm ferry crossing, good weather and a good start to your marriage.
 

julieann15

Registered User
Jun 13, 2008
2,012
Leicestershire
I am not officially mum's carer so are Ian and I in a position to ask for respite care?? I call in once midweek or more often if I think something needs dealing with urgently or mum is having a really bad day and over the weekend(this time with Ian).Most of the other bits i deal with are over the phone which is often repetitive and tedious as I go over something for the 20th time, think mum has grasped the answer and then get a call" Julie it's mum have I spoken to you today about........" If someone is specifically coming to see mum then I always make sure I am there. i live 20 miles away from mum too. I also attend all doctor/ hospital visits to keep "tabs" on things. does this make me a carer and entitled to respite care? This is a whole new situation for me- having lost both parents in their 60's to cancer this disease to me is not as straight forward. What is the definition of a carer to social care as this has not been raised with me by social care??

Only had 4 phone calls today- may have been more but I went to the park!!

Julie and Ian
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Hi Julie

I'm presuming your MIL lives alone? And that you are the person who has to sort out any problems, appointments, etc?

In that case you are her primary carer, and so entitled to respite. It's not an official appointment, and you don't have to live with her.

Do you or Ian have power of attorney? If not, that's something else you need to sort out as soon as possible (after the wedding!)

Good luck,
 

julieann15

Registered User
Jun 13, 2008
2,012
Leicestershire
mum lives alone- ian and his sister have enduring power of attourney not me but not in place yet as mum "seems" to be managing finances well. most of extras like hospital. doctors etc fall on me as i live nearest (20 or so miles) so can I still apply for respite?? erin is getting harder to manage esp when i have to be at early appointments with mum
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
so can I still apply for respite??
Yes you can. it does not matter that you are not controlling your MIL finances or that she doing it herself , you still are her primary carer like Halzel ( sky ) said .

read this link.


http://www.carersuk.org/Information/Helpwithcaring/Carersassessmentguide

The law says you have a right to an assessment if care for someone for 'a substantial amount of time on a regular basis'. The relevant legislation here is the Carers (Recognition & Services) Act 1995 and the Carers & Disabled Children Act 2000.You may be a carer living with or away from the person you care for , caring full time or combining care with paid work - you will still have a right to a carer's assessment.
Then go to this link


How do I get a break from caring?



http://www.carersuk.org/Information/Helpwithcaring/Takingabreak


Residential care

Residential care homes and nursing homes can provide short-term care for the person you look after so that you can get a break. If you can, it may be useful to visit beforehand to make sure that it can cater for the needs of the person you look after.
Talk to your mother ( MIL ) social worker about it , let us know what she says
 
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Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
I care for my mother full time she has VD/ AZ

My brother also has a mental llness his in low level housing, but has a hight level of carer support helping him the local authority control his money , but they still class me as his primary carer so they want to do a carer assessment on me as they class me like I said as his primary carer , as I still over see all his care needs making sure he get the services his entitled to.

My mother come under the elderly team in my area, where my brother come under the mental health team seeing that I have already had a carer assessment for caring for my mother. I don't see any point in getting another carer assessment for caring for my brother . Then that my choice, but I may just do it to see what the mental health team can offer me in what the elderly team are not offering me already while caring for my mother .

They encourage family's or a friend to be carers to people as its good mentally for they client to still have contact with they family or a friend looking after them also with the help of social services .
 
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