1. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    88
    Surrey
    Hi everyone I have not been around for a while as my daughter broke my lap top, I have missed being able to visit . I am no further on with Mum, hospital still reccomending Mum goes in a home, Mum still adament she is not!! I have spent weeks looking for a nice home and have found one. Doctor has said Mum still has capacity so he can not section her but he is convinced she will come to harm if allowed to go home. I have been told by SW to tell Mum she is only there for a while and she will grow to like it. She doe's not know my Mum.... Yesterday I rang the home to arrange for Mum to have a look round in the hope that she may change her mind and I was told that a nurse who works on the ward where mum is at the moment told the home mum did not waant a place so they have given it to someone else. I am going insane with all of this I do not know what to do as I have also been told that if I get Mum in a home and she decides she is going home they can not stop her.I am convinced if Mum goes home she will be drinking again very soon and could kill herself. I am also feeling very guilty about taking Mum away from her home which she loves so either way what ever happens I am going to feel bad!!!
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,661
    Kent
    Hi Panda,

    What a lot you`ve got on your plate. It seems you can`t win either way.

    You are trying your best If your mum is not yet sectionable and refuses to go in a home, what more can you do?

    I know that doesn`t solve the problem and the responsibility, but your hands are tied.

    I really feel for you, but that won`t solve your problems either.

    Take care.
     
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Panda

    How difficult this is for you!

    I can't understand why the NH took the word of a nurse that your mum did not want to go. Surely they should have checked with you?

    I don't know what you can do. I can understand that they can't section everyone who has a drink problem, but surely when it is combined with dementia?

    Could you perhaps convince your mum that the NH is only for convalescence? I realise that would only be postponing the problem, but the longer she is without drink the better.

    Sorry, not much help, I'm afraid. But I do sympathise. Let us know how it goes.

    Love,
     
  4. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #4 Margarita, Apr 26, 2007
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2007
    Talk about interfering nurse, she can go home at the end of the day while its you that’s left with it all.

    From my own experience, when my mother had to go into emergency respite, for the duration of the time I was looking after my brother at home with me. My mother was adornment that she would not like the care home she was going to , the only other time she had been in a care home was because I had to sort out my auntie funeral in Gibraltar so she went in for a week respite .

    So what I did was to arrange an appointment with the home so mum could look around it, she was not at all happy about it, and complained about it I felt guilty, but thought no way should I.

    So mum went in complaining when she was going home all the time.

    So now again you have to look for NH , just tell the nurse , to please stop interfering , don’t mean to sound rude , but really its none of your business what happen to my mother after she left the hospital and if you undermine me again I am taking it further .

    and when you do find another home what hazel said sounds good
    Then when your mum in NH go from they , about worrying that she may try going home


    Good luck , I do feel for you
     
  5. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi Panda
    Don't know if this helps much but when mum had her first stay in respite I told her it was for a holiday because I needed to go away for a few days.....I emphasised the good points.....it was a good "hotel", she'd be with people her own age, if she didn't want to mix with others ...that was ok...the "hotel staff" would be available 24/7,she'd have her meals cooked , etc etc....
    I realise respite is a different thing to full time care but perhaps if you could lead your mum into thinking it isn't a permanent move to begin with?
    I don't like lying....but I think a few fibs along the way help everyone concerned?
    Love Wendy xx
     
  6. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,661
    Kent
    Hi Alfjess, It sounds as if you are beginning to come to terms with things now. I hope so.
     
  8. janed

    janed Registered User

    Jul 28, 2005
    45
    cornwall
    Gosh how difficult for you, I was in a similar position 3 years ago, mum was drinking heavily and smoking a lot continualy burning things with her cigarettes, no one seemed to care except me and it was so hard to get her ay help as she was resistant and refused to believe there were any problems, I dont know what to say to help, but I am here if you need to chat, J
     
  9. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi GrannyG

    I am trying, still not looking forward to the inevitable day when it all happens, but I know it is for their own good and I hope they will have more stimulation than I can provide here.

    Thanks
    Alfjess
     
  10. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Panda

    You must be tearing your hair out by now with frustration.:eek:

    Personally I would go along with the little ‘fibs’ already suggested. If you can secure another place again for mum in the NH, suggest that her move there is just for a ‘holiday’ whilst you are away. If you can get her in, and you stay away for a couple of weeks, she may just settle. Then of course, you can always be ‘having work done’ on her place to string it out for another two weeks after that, and just see what happens.

    You are doing your very best for your mum, and that is all you can do.

    If mum totally refuses, then sadly there is nothing you can do. I would suggest you don’t mention it again for a little while, just leave her settle in at home on her own. I found with my own mum, the more I wanted her to do something, the more adamant she was not to!! You may just find that she mentions it to you along the way, she has had company and been looked after in hospital, you may just find the reality of being back home is not as rosy as she imagined.

    Cate
     
  11. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    88
    Surrey
    Hi everyone thank you for the ideas, another home that I had put mums name down at rang and said they had a vacency she is going today for a visit. I have told her it is an inbetween going home and hospital thing. The SW wrote and complained about the nurse taking things into her own hands and now the hospital are being very nice to me. Mum even got her hair done yesterday, she has not washed it in the six weeks she has been there!!! Keep your fingers crossed for me that she likes it I know this is only the beginning but for the first time in two years I feel more human and it is great to be able to relax for a while love to you all xxxxx
     
  12. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Good news, Panda. Let's hope the NH is a good one, and that your mum settles. It will be such a relief for you.

    Keep us posted.

    Love,
     
  13. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Panda, just so glad things are moving in the right direction for you at last! Hope things continue to improve for you and for your Mum. Please keep posting to let us know how you get on.
    Thinking of you.
     
  14. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    88
    Surrey
    The peace did not last long, Mum moves from the hospital to the home tomorrow. She has just been on the phone to tell me she can go home tomorrow and I have had to explain again that she has got to stay in the home for a while (I hate lying but am begining to realise it makes life a bit easier for all involved) Mum got very nasty and abusive again...Recently I found out that my youngest daughter was attacked by a man twice her age she is only 14 and she held in her feelings from me because of the stress I have been under looking after my other disabled daughter and my Mum. I was mortified to realise that my own child could not come to me and this has helped me realise that my children have got to come first, Mum is not well I know but she has caused a lot of her own problems with the drinking. I can no longer run two households and work full time while giving my children the care they need, while running up to Mums every five mins because she wants me there. In six weeks the home will decide if Mum has settled If she creates like I think she will and has to go home I will no longer be on call. It has taken something really awful to make me realise I am not super woman and help me sort my priorities out but I am feeling more human again because I have made a decision now. I dont know if this will make sense to any of you.
     
  15. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Panda, it makes perfect sense.:)

    You have been coping with too much for too long. I do hope your daughter is all right. Don't blame yourself that she didn't come to you, she was just showing the concern for you that you have shown for your mum.

    You're right, your children need you now, and your mum can be cared for by professionals, they can't.

    I do hope your mum sttles in the NH, and she'll be able to stay there permanently.

    I hope tomorrow goes well (or as well as possible)! Let us know how it goes,

    Love,
     
  16. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,661
    Kent
    Dear Panda, there`s only so much one person can do and you`ve been doing more than your share.

    Your children are still your dependants and must come first.

    As Skye/Hazel said, provision can be made for your mum, but your children are your sole responsibility.

    Take care of yourself and them and hope for the best for your mum. Six weeks will give you good breathing space and give her time to settle. I hope she does.
     
  17. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,418
    Ditto to what Hazel and Sylvia said. Something else you might want to consider: telling the home in question (and social services) that you can no longer take responsibilty for your mother. I know this sounds hard and uncaring, but they might be more motivated to make this arrangement work if they realise that you are not going to be there to provide backup.

    Jennifer
     
  18. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9,222
    Panda, your situation just made me gasp and think, Good grief, my sorrows are as nothing compared with all that! Totally agree with previous advice. You've done the right thing and well done for what you have achieved so far. Kind regards
     
  19. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Nothing to add except that I am totaly supportive of you. You are coping with so much more than any one human should have to. {{{{HUGS}}}} for you and for your daughter too.
     
  20. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Panda

    I totally agree with Jennifer, the only way to go now is to ensure Social Services appreciate that to move mum back home, would put her at risk, because you cannot be there now.

    Fingers crossed for you that it all goes well, and you can get back to being a full time mum and enjoying your children without the stress of looking after mum on a day to day, crisis to crisis basis.

    Cate
     

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