Was this the light bulb moment?

[iworry]

Thanks to this forum I visited Mum (late stages) and Dad (carer) fully armed with reasons why Dad should/must start to accept outside help. (You can guess this was not my first attempt).

My case/argument got off to a good (bad?) start finding mum in the toilet (Dad on the phone) and there was a awful site of excrement covering the outside of the toilet - again not the first time :-(

The key to my sit down discussion with Dad (old school / does not need help / his Mum suffered with dementia and no services helped) was the impact it is having on me,my sister and our respective families.

It is selfish of Dad to refuse help as we are all stressing/worrying crazily about the situation.

I said -

1. It's an illness that's not curable like forms of Cancer, Parkinsons, MS - All of the later you wouldn't think twice about getting care for someone so why refuse it for dementia

2. Mum is not washing and she smells. Dad agreed and said cannot figure out how to make her wash - I said you won't know - we are not experts on this disease but professionals will know keywords and approaches that could improve the situation

3. You want to stay in the house together for as long as possible and I think that's the best course BUT DO NOT WAIT FOR THE DISEASE to creep up and floor everyone and we do not know what to do. Get into the social care system now so when the day does arrive (which it will) people know about us and the next steps will already be planned

4. If Mum is suddenly taken ill / breaks a leg etc. she will end up in Hospital where they will see she is not eating correctly then you will find your control over what happens to her may well be taken away from you

5. Power of Attorney - There are 2 types. Dad has organised his finances and my sister and I are attorney's. The second type is Health and Welfare which he has not organised and we should do this now

6. Cleaning - There is no cleaning in the house and I said you run a high risk of contracting something

7. Outside people - We know Mum is going to go crazy having strangers coming into the house but she her though process is entirely irrational and 'Dad, she is bloody awful to you already so what have you got to lose' ... plus 'You know it will be terrible but you also know other days she will be nice as pie and welcome the people in'

There's more as I kept going and I could see Dad getting upset but I had reached the end with creeping around him ..

.. finally .. he admitted ..."I think I should do something......."

So I said you don;t have to do anything - my partner and I will organise everything so here is out plan

1. Cleaner once a week - 2 hours focus on bathroom and living area
2. Power of Attorney - Organise Health and Welfare agreement
3. Careers Allowance - Dad - you are entitled to funding for looking after Mum!
4. Social Services Assessment - Get these guys in to assess mum and dad
5. Home Visit - Organise initially a once a week home visit

OK - You can tell I'm pretty hyped after this breakthrough and still have it all to do BUT I wanted to share

Need to make this happen now - and 'Dad - New Year , New Start OK?!'

 

[Lizzybusy]

Thanks to this forum I visited Mum (late stages) and Dad (carer) fully armed with reasons why Dad should/must start to accept outside help. (You can guess this was not my first attempt).

My case/argument got off to a good (bad?) start finding mum in the toilet (Dad on the phone) and there was a awful site of excrement covering the outside of the toilet - again not the first time :-(

The key to my sit down discussion with Dad (old school / does not need help / his Mum suffered with dementia and no services helped) was the impact it is having on me,my sister and our respective families.

It is selfish of Dad to refuse help as we are all stressing/worrying crazily about the situation.

I said -

1. It's an illness that's not curable like forms of Cancer, Parkinsons, MS - All of the later you wouldn't think twice about getting care for someone so why refuse it for dementia

2. Mum is not washing and she smells. Dad agreed and said cannot figure out how to make her wash - I said you won't know - we are not experts on this disease but professionals will know keywords and approaches that could improve the situation

3. You want to stay in the house together for as long as possible and I think that's the best course BUT DO NOT WAIT FOR THE DISEASE to creep up and floor everyone and we do not know what to do. Get into the social care system now so when the day does arrive (which it will) people know about us and the next steps will already be planned

4. If Mum is suddenly taken ill / breaks a leg etc. she will end up in Hospital where they will see she is not eating correctly then you will find your control over what happens to her may well be taken away from you

5. Power of Attorney - There are 2 types. Dad has organised his finances and my sister and I are attorney's. The second type is Health and Welfare which he has not organised and we should do this now

6. Cleaning - There is no cleaning in the house and I said you run a high risk of contracting something

7. Outside people - We know Mum is going to go crazy having strangers coming into the house but she her though process is entirely irrational and 'Dad, she is bloody awful to you already so what have you got to lose' ... plus 'You know it will be terrible but you also know other days she will be nice as pie and welcome the people in'

There's more as I kept going and I could see Dad getting upset but I had reached the end with creeping around him ..

.. finally .. he admitted ..."I think I should do something......."

So I said you don;t have to do anything - my partner and I will organise everything so here is out plan

1. Cleaner once a week - 2 hours focus on bathroom and living area
2. Power of Attorney - Organise Health and Welfare agreement
3. Careers Allowance - Dad - you are entitled to funding for looking after Mum!
4. Social Services Assessment - Get these guys in to assess mum and dad
5. Home Visit - Organise initially a once a week home visit

OK - You can tell I'm pretty hyped after this breakthrough and still have it all to do BUT I wanted to share

Need to make this happen now - and 'Dad - New Year , New Start OK?!'

Hi your conversation with you dad sounds just like the one my sister and I had with our dad a few years ago. He was caring, with our help, for our mother with vascular dementia. He even said at one point if you get carers in I will leave. In the end we found a great carer and he loved her coming to help. She even helped him too with small personal tasks. Mum was upset at first but quickly came to visibly enjoy the carers visits. The carer could get her to do things we found difficult because she knew how to. Good luck with it all, you are doing the right stuff.

 

[chris53]

Hi iworry thank you for sharing this with us, i too went through a difficult situation with my dad who, like yours,was very "old school" however he was also agoraphobic so it made things a little bit harder but dementia is not going to go away and it is wise to get things in place sooner rather then later..even if there is at first resentment or resistance...yes very much a light bulb moment please let us know how things are working out.
Take care
Chris

 

[PeggySmith]

Well done for moving your Dad forward. Just checking that you know your Mum will qualify for attendance allowance and, if her GP agrees that her dementia has advanced enough, a discount on their council tax.

 

[marionq]

Great start. Get the ball rolling with an assessment for your Mums needs and a carers assessment for your Dad. Complete an Attendance allowance claim form with help from SS and when it is in place a reduction in council tax form.

This will help with the costs of care.

 

[matchstick]

Iworry on your point 5 i urge haste,get the health and welfare POA asap.

 

[iworry]

Thanks everyone for your feedback - all points noted.

 

[garnuft]

Thanks to this forum I visited Mum (late stages) and Dad (carer) fully armed with reasons why Dad should/must start to accept outside help. (You can guess this was not my first attempt).

My case/argument got off to a good (bad?) start finding mum in the toilet (Dad on the phone) and there was a awful site of excrement covering the outside of the toilet - again not the first time :-(

The key to my sit down discussion with Dad (old school / does not need help / his Mum suffered with dementia and no services helped) was the impact it is having on me,my sister and our respective families.

It is selfish of Dad to refuse help as we are all stressing/worrying crazily about the situation.

I said -

1. It's an illness that's not curable like forms of Cancer, Parkinsons, MS - All of the later you wouldn't think twice about getting care for someone so why refuse it for dementia

2. Mum is not washing and she smells. Dad agreed and said cannot figure out how to make her wash - I said you won't know - we are not experts on this disease but professionals will know keywords and approaches that could improve the situation

3. You want to stay in the house together for as long as possible and I think that's the best course BUT DO NOT WAIT FOR THE DISEASE to creep up and floor everyone and we do not know what to do. Get into the social care system now so when the day does arrive (which it will) people know about us and the next steps will already be planned

4. If Mum is suddenly taken ill / breaks a leg etc. she will end up in Hospital where they will see she is not eating correctly then you will find your control over what happens to her may well be taken away from you

5. Power of Attorney - There are 2 types. Dad has organised his finances and my sister and I are attorney's. The second type is Health and Welfare which he has not organised and we should do this now

6. Cleaning - There is no cleaning in the house and I said you run a high risk of contracting something

7. Outside people - We know Mum is going to go crazy having strangers coming into the house but she her though process is entirely irrational and 'Dad, she is bloody awful to you already so what have you got to lose' ... plus 'You know it will be terrible but you also know other days she will be nice as pie and welcome the people in'

There's more as I kept going and I could see Dad getting upset but I had reached the end with creeping around him ..

.. finally .. he admitted ..."I think I should do something......."

So I said you don;t have to do anything - my partner and I will organise everything so here is out plan

1. Cleaner once a week - 2 hours focus on bathroom and living area
2. Power of Attorney - Organise Health and Welfare agreement
3. Careers Allowance - Dad - you are entitled to funding for looking after Mum!
4. Social Services Assessment - Get these guys in to assess mum and dad
5. Home Visit - Organise initially a once a week home visit

OK - You can tell I'm pretty hyped after this breakthrough and still have it all to do BUT I wanted to share

Need to make this happen now - and 'Dad - New Year , New Start OK?!'

I love this and even though I have been through it all with my Mam, I shall print it out to help my partner whose Dad (88) has dementia and his Mum (92) is hoping it will all go away.
It is a very useful list of points, whether it works or not is another matter but it is a very good list of bullet points nonetheless. Thanks.